Tag Archive | "economy"

Brazil Economists Say Brazil Loss is Victory for Brazil Economy

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (GlossySports) -– While almost every Brazilian is saddened by the stunning loss of their team to the Netherlands in the quarter-final match, economists in Brazil are celebrating unabashedly, claiming that the loss has a decidedly silver lining. Read the full story


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Obama Food Program Threatens Bush Weight Loss Policies

WASHINGTON, D.C (GlossyNews) — Americans are still too fat, but obesity rates in the United States appear to be slowing, according to newly released research.

Government data show that 68 percent of U.S. adults are considered overweight, having a body mass index of 25 or higher. A third are obese, having a body mass index of 30 or higher. Read the full story


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Obama Hires Nigerian to Enact Wall Street Reforms

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations. Read the full story


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Top 2010 Investment Tips

New York, NY (BNSE) — Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes “substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011.”

In the panel’s report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure. Read the full story


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Greece Accidentally Receives Loan for Musical

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — On May 18, 2010, the economically embattled country of Greece received 14.5 billion euros ($17.9 billion USD) in aid from what Greek bankers presumed to be the European Union.

A banking official close to orchestrating a deal with the EU announced the following day, “The 14.5 billion euros was transferred to Greece a short while ago, through an anonymous donor that we believe to be the ECB [European Central Bank].” Read the full story


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CEOs, Economists Taken Out and Shot – Economy Soars

Bronx, NY (GlossyNews) — The world side recession surprisingly ended abruptly today after the CEO’s, Investors and Economists responsible for causing the downturn by bilking investors, gouging company finances and lying to the public were taken out and shot.

Borrowing from the Red Chinese way of shooting economic criminals, the alleged ‘Captains of Society’ were lined up against a wall and mowed down. Read the full story


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Arizona Gold Strike Rumored

Tucson, AZ (GlossyNews) — The mood was buoyant at this week’s Tucson Chamber of Commerce meeting. COC director Blaine Dillray addressed the recent astronomical increase in business spending. “Just goes to show that forecasts can be wrong; can’t argue with facts. Business purchasing is a leading indicator of economic revival. With all these copier and printer orders, it looks like Arizona is poised for something really big.”

Such growth would be welcome news for the beleaguered desert state, among the hardest hit by the real estate crash and now embroiled in an immigration controversy. Read the full story


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Passengers To Clean Airline Cabins, Toilets

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — Complex merger talks now underway between United Airlines, Continental Airlines and US Airways include a landmark cost-cutting measure that will require passengers to clean the aircraft cabin and lavatories before leaving the plane.

“These discussions are all about finding efficiencies,” said an airline source close to the ongoing negotiations. “The fact is passengers are already onboard the plane. Read the full story


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New York Governor Plans to Make You Pay to Poop

New York, NY 10017 (GlossyNews) — At a press this morning, Governor David Paterson unveiled a drastic overhaul to the operation of New York public restrooms meant to reign in spending and generate new revenue for the debt ridden state.

“I’ve pretty much cut every nickle from every aspect of government, so now it’s time to get really creative,”  Read the full story


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Economy Forces Downsizing of Solar System

The mood was somber at Oxford’s esteemed Council on Planetary Stuff this week as yet another solar system down-sizing was announced. CPS Director Percy Hyde-Warf opened the press conference with a display of his famed wit. “I know you reporter chaps are dolts, so I’ll keep this simple. Neptune will likely have to go soon.”

Hyde-Warf went on to shed light on an obscure branch of astrophysics, and detail its near-term impact. “Newton was right, but the past decade has revealed Earth economics affects our Sun’s gravity. Read the full story


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Banks Foreclose on Hell — Satan Moves to Scientology Headquarters

Sarasota, Fla (GlossyNews) — Markets around the world were rocked today with news of the imminent foreclosure on Hell by a consortium of major international banks. The announcement came only after months of failed negotiations between Satan and the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions to reach an agreement with creditors on the restructuring of Hell’s dept.

“Isn’t that a kick in the teeth,” said Beelzebub, official spokes-demon for the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions. Read the full story


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LEGO City Mayor Implicated in Sex Scandal

LEGO CITY, U.S.A. (GlossyNews) — Since its founding in 1978, Lego City has suffered through a history of controversial expansion, interminable redevelopment and what most residents consider “pure chaos.” Accusations of illicit gerrymandering — executed through back door political favors and flat out bribery — have plagued the region since the first bricks were laid. The rogue’s gallery of disgraced politicians and their abettors include four city planners, a multitude of government contractors, two banks and various assembly people. Read the full story


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Fox Analyst Reverses Opinion About Recession After Losing Job

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — A former Fox News economic analyst, who only last year said the worst part of the recession was over, is coming under fire from liberals for now claiming the economy is worse than ever. When asked what exactly led to his change in opinion, Christopher Jackson said, “I lost my fucking job!” Read the full story


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U.S. Supports North Korea’s Execution of Official Who Ruined Economy

PYONGYANG, North Korea (GlossyNews) — During a time when brewing unrest and financial insolvency are destabilizing the country, North Korean officials have executed Labor Party Chief Pak Nam-ki before a firing squad as punishment for a bureaucratic blunder. Read the full story


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Recession Forces Upper Class to Flirt with Mediocrity

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — The recent economic downturn has delivered ubiquitous plight across America, but no other group has been as dramatically affected as the upper class. This was readily apparent by watching patrons exit one of New York’s top wine bars on Tuesday. Read the full story


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Texas Conservatives Vote to Make Textbooks “Right”

AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards for public schools, the Texas school board has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum that would highlight the underrated achievements of conservatives, emphasize the role of Christianity in American history and include Republican political philosophies in textbooks. Read the full story


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