Tag Archive | "economy"

Brazil’s Economy Skyrockets in Soccer Tournament; Millions of Wallets Stolen


The 2014 FIFA World Cup event will be a beneficial factor that will help Brazil with its not-so-good economy, at least that’s what Hispanic skinhead, Pitbull, had to say about it.

Hispanic, cancer man later went on to gibber on how mysteriously wallets were being stolen from foreigners. After questioned if this was the work of his 370 little, Hispanic children army, domestic violence father responded by nervously chuckling and securing the closet in which one child was hanging from a rope. Read the full story

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Over 86% Of Statistics Are Confusing Say 44% Of Public


A report from the National Research Center reveals that 44% of the public are confused by 86% of statistics published. The vast array of statistics being brought up has generated mass public confusion.

Many modern structures are built, not out of dung, industrial waste and random bits of minerals found along the roadside, but actual constructions materials, thus proving the North Korea is the greatest country that has ever existed, all hail to the pudgy triumvirate.

For more on this breaking news we head to the studio, where 100% facts are generated.

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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US suicide rate jumps; unemployment rate falls


The suicide rate among middle-aged Americans was much higher in the previous two months than the government first estimated. The suicides reduced the unemployment rate from 7.6 percent to a four-year low of 7.5 percent.

The report from the United States Department of Labor was a reassuring sign that the U.S. job market is improving despite government budget cuts, ill-timed tax increases, and suicide prevention efforts.

“This is a good report,” explained Wells Fargo chief economist John Silvia. “There’s a lot of emotional trauma… It’s good for the economy. It’s good for people’s income.” Read the full story

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Oil Down on No News


With a lack of signals coming from analysts and virtually no news that could have an impact on crude prices, oil has again suffered moderate setbacks today.

Confounding investors who lack any fundamentals to trade on, Wall Street again witnessed a pull back affecting US crude oil prices.

Analysts say absolutely any news is good for supporting oil. When unemployment figures rise, crude offers a safe haven for investors fearing an economic slowdown, while any improvement in the economy signals potential for increased demand. Read the full story

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Layoffs Rampant, Fired Employee Knows Solution (COMIC)


We’ve all worked in this kind of office. You know the solution is so simple it’s right in your face, but you’d be crazy to come right out and say it… well, this guy did.

Click image to enlargify and see in full resolution.

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE COMIC FULL SIZE

5-economic-stimulus1

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Lew’s Treasury Secretary Position Secured, Economy Not


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We need more debt, please!


My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him a favor for marrying my sister, so I agreed to publish the following interview with him:

RIGHT: Penin Diaz has a plan to end the recession. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Scientists Dismayed As BP Throws More Oil-Absorbent Cash at Gulf


Since the 2010 explosion on the Deep Water Horizon offshore oil rig, which killed 11 people and spilled 205 million gallons of crude oil, British Petroleum has been pumping billions of oil-absorbing dollar bills into the Gulf of Mexico and Mississippi Delta.

The BP money has become a symbol of the company’s continued effort to restore the ecosystems decimated by the spill. However, according to environmental scientists, the oil-absorbing cash isn’t helping as much as BP predicted and in some cases, is even exacerbating problems in the affected areas. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, World NewsComments (1)

Romney Goes Economy, Obama Fires Gun in Final Election Pitch


GlossyNews.comYOUNGSTOWN, OH and NASHUA, NH – Both United States Presidential Candidates made one last pitch to the American people before Election Day though in pretty shocking and pretty shockingly different ways.

Winding down a vicious election cycle, Former Governor Mitt Romney (R-MA) spent his day crisscrossing the all-important battleground states of Pennsylvania and Ohio, speaking about his vision for a stronger economy; while incumbent President Barack Obama (D) personally executed a detainee from the Guantanamo Bay prison on live television from New Hampshire to show his resolve on national defense. Read the full story

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Unemployed Former Aerospace Engineer Says: “Stop calling me that!”


CAPE CANAVERAL – Identifying labels apparently matter, at least to unemployed former aerospace engineer Fred Hackford, who is among the thousands of NASA workers being laid off by the space agency following its retirement of the space shuttle and its announced plans to cancel the development of new rockets and spacecraft.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Mr. Hackford objected. “Why did you just write that I’m an unemployed former aerospace engineer? I’m still an aerospace engineer, for God’s sake. It’s just that I lost my job.”

When asked whether “unemployed former aerospace industry worker” would be acceptable to him as an identifying label, Mr. Hackford replied, “Well, yeah, I guess that’s at least correct. But why do you have to keep using that word ‘former’? It sounds like my career is over. Why can’t you just call me an ‘unemployed aerospace engineer’? Besides, calling me a ‘former aerospace industry worker’ makes it sound as if I could have been just an equipment operator or a janitor.”

Unemployed former NASA janitor Neil Williams took issue with Mr. Hackford’s view, asking, “What do you mean that it sounds like you ‘could have been’ just a janitor, Fred? Shouldn’t you say that it sounds like you ‘could be’ just a janitor? I mean, okay, if you think that you’re still an aerospace engineer even though you lost your job, I’m cool with that. But doesn’t that mean that I’m still a janitor even though I lost mine?”

Others disagree with both men’s assessments, however, including unemployed former shop assistant Deborah Myers, whose retail position was among the 14,000 jobs at hotels, restaurants, stores and other Florida businesses impacted by NASA’s cuts.

“I don’t care whether you’re a rocket scientist or the guy who emptied the space shuttle’s toilets,” Ms. Myers said. “If you’re not doing it now, then you’re a ‘former’ whatever it was that you were doing.”

“Actually, you’re a former whoever it is that does whatever it was that you were doing,” said Rick Massey, Ms. Myers’ unemployed former boss.

“Sorry, but I have to disagree with that,” said unemployed former newspaper editor turned part-time freelance dog walker Andy Nelson. “I mean, there’s no way that I could still call myself an ‘editor’ now, even though it’s a very specialized profession that requires a lot of training. But a doctor is still a doctor, even if he or she loses a job in a hospital. That’s the same in Fred’s case, I think, as an aerospace engineer.”

“Thanks, Andy,” said Mr. Hackford. “Hey, which one of us is walking the Dobermans this week?”

Finally, also weighing in on the discussion was disgraced former New York governor and failed CNN host Eliot Spitzer, who commented, “Jeez. What is these people’s problem?”

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Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Mitt Romney Interview Accidentally Ruined by Candor


Recently I had a dream that one of my publications was big enough and safe enough that I could get an interview with Mitt Romney. The thought of someone having enough access and gravitas to actually ask a hard question is indeed “just a dream”, but the following interview gets pretty close.

Derek Johnstone is an Urban Outfitter-attired 30-something hipster from Seattle, and he’s the associate editor of “Like, Whatever” Magazine… the quotation marks are part of the title, meant apparently to be ironic.

Johnstone was brought in to consult the campaign on how to win over the independent vote, and what follows is their exchange.

Mitt Romney – [sarcastically] Boy, you really dressed up for this meeting, didn’t you?

Derek Johnstone – See, that’s the problem. Just like telling the people in single-use ponchos they “really sprung for the big bucks.” You failed the first test independents care about, you’re a condescending a**hole.

Romney – Look, I don’t appreciate that kind of language.

Johnstone – And you failed the second test. You’re a fuddy-duddy. Like when you called the cops on those people smoking pot on the beach.

Romney – I don’t have to deal with this guy.

Johnstone – And you failed another test. You can’t disengage just because it’s not convenient.

Romney – Are we finished here?

Johnstone – Why are you running for president?

Romney – This meeting is over.

Johnstone – Wrong. Fail. Try again. Why are you running for president?

Romney – Because I have a vision that will lead this country forward–

Johnstone–Really? Because that’s not how you’re running your campaign. You’re running like you’re entitled to be president and you’re just waiting for the huddled masses to come around and realize it.

Romney – My experience–

Johnstone – Which experience? As governor, CEO or just your individual success story, because we’re not allowed to talk about any of those. You’ve got the [Salt Lake City] Olympics but you gaffed that up, not to mention that we can’t talk about it either. You just shut us down and say we’re supposed to focus on the economy.

Romney – But the economy is in serious trouble.

Johnstone – Right, and nothing you have proposed will fix that. You’ve already convinced the base, but just wishing hard enough isn’t going to convince independents that the policies that put America in trouble in the first place are somehow magically going to pull us back out of them.

Romney – But [independents] don’t know what my policies are.

Johnstone – Right, because you haven’t actually stood up for anything except the Ryan plan, which is at best a disaster and at worst a looting of the treasury to benefit the super-rich.

Romney – We need to take action, and fast, if we’re going to take back America.

Johnstone – Take it back from whom, exactly? Take it back to where? Most of us are better off now than we were when Bush left office.

Romney – We need to take it back to balanced budgets, for one thing.

Johnstone – How are you going to do that?

Romney – Well I’ll meet with top policy advisers and come up with–

Johnstone –You won’t tell us your policies? It’s kind of a big deal. It’s kind of the whole deal. You won’t tell us your policies, you won’t release your tax returns, you won’t let us talk about Bain or your time in Massachusetes. What’s left that we’re actually aloud to talk about, what you say on the campaign trail?

Romney – The media has been very unfair to me out there.

Johnstone – Grow up. They’ve been easy on you to make it look like a closer race because that sells newspapers. They haven’t called you out as a liar for your constant flip-flops and outright fabrications.

Romney – Are you calling me a liar?

Johnstone – No, I’m saying the sky is green. Get real. You lie constantly. Let me show you by asking you a favor. I’m coming into some money soon from an inheritance, tax-free, mind you. What should I invest it in?

Romney – Blue chip stocks are always a safe bet. Maybe an Index Mutual Fund.

Johnstone – So you admit that all my pennies from heaven shouldn’t be used to create jobs. The whole deal where you call rich people “job creators” is a lie and everybody knows it. Me having extra cash I don’t need and dumping it in Coca-Cola or Home Depot is good for me and my money, but it won’t create a single job.

Romney – I think we’re finished here.

Johnstone – If you can’t have a frank discussion with one independent, how can you ever expect to win the votes from any of us?

[end]

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Housewives Ruin Dinner and the Economy


Housewives forgetting vital ingredients for dinner are costing supermarket chains and the world economy billions of dollars every year. A new study released today has revealed a damaging portrayal of housewives and how they are single-handedly ruining the world economy. Read the full story

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The Economy Has Improved, Stupid


Reading through the comments on Fark Monday, I encountered the most fascinating post by a user named Hugram. It dispels from every aspect the myth that the economy is worse under Obama.

The truth is Bush made a mess and Obama, despite obstruction at every turn, has turned the economy around in fantastic fashion. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Serious CommentaryComments (6)

Bloomberg Wins Bloomberg Innovation Challenge


NEW YORK—Months of anticipation from techies and financial experts came to a close on Sunday as the results of the fourth annual Bloomberg Urban Innovation Challenge were announced. Despite the largest pool of contestants in the history of the competition, the panel of judges, appointed by Mayor Michael Bloomberg, voted unanimously for the winner: Manhattan resident Michael Bloomberg. Read the full story

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Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess


President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up. 

WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to dig America out of the incredibly deep sh*thole it was left in by the Bush administration. Read the full story

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Conservative Right Shares Plans To Revive Economy Post-Election


HOW REPUBLICANS WILL IMPROVE THE ECONOMY IF ELECTED:

• Start a new war to refocus attention off the bad state of national affairs and to bolster arm sales and allow corporate ‘service’ interests to leech money off the taxpayers to ‘support’ the military effort. Read the full story

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