Tag Archive | "dystopia"

Glossy News Classics VIII: Rfreed’s “Second U.S. Civil War Ends In 2017- America Divided East & West”


NEWS OF THE FUTURE- April, 2018 — Many changes have come to America in the years since the second Civil War in 2017. As you well know the increasing partisan tensions between the Democrats and Republicans, brewing in intensity for the last 50 years finally reached their zenith and prompted the great divide that split our once mighty land into two hostile parts. Read the full story

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Two More Glossy News Classics Coming! American Dystopia & Theocratic Dystopians!


For the next couple of days, you’ll see more great Glossy News Classics from our back catalogue!

First, Rfreed with a strangely prescient view of the near-future USA… Read the full story

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Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse


In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (2/3)


Last time:

“Why did you do such a damn fool thing?” asked Obama.

“Because, I am your guardian angel,” answered the man.

“What? Now I’ve heard everything!” retorted the President.

“Well, I am here trying to earn my wings by helping you.”

“I’ve had enough for one night! I wish I had never come out here. I wish I had never become President. God, I wish I had never been born!” he stated in exasperation.

“Your wish is my command!” and the little man closed his eyes and blinked in I Dream Of Jeanie fashion.

The story continues: Read the full story

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UK News Headlines: Utopia, Dystopia, Heterotopia (NSFW)


Not long ago I read, or else maybe just made up off entirely off the top of my head, some rather plausible UK headlines:

MP Sex Scandal: Cybersex Non-Mandela Selfie Embarrassment!!!
Daily Mail Moral Panic Rabble Rousers Censor Phobostratus Pig Anime!!
Extortionate Mobile Phone Deals Catch Lucrative New Labour Thinktank by Surprise… Funny, that!!!
Disneyland Paris Caught in Pincer Movement by Political Islamists and Rabid Humanitarian Liberation Supremacists!!!
Elvis Releases New Single, Radio 1 Says ‘We Refuse to Play this Mainstream Bollocks!!!’

In a short time, I managed to come up with the following rearrangements: Read the full story

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GOP/Dems: Post-Orwellian Dictionary of Humanitarian Imperialism (1/2)


Over here in Euroweenie land, they say about the Hitler-Stalin pact: “Les extrêmes se touchent.”

…Or in Universal Anglo-Esperanto, to wit, the King James of Jesus, Rush Limbaugh, John Kerry and other notable figures (-ish): “Opposites meet.”

So it’s only fair that I let Julian™ give me this sexy little number…

A leak of the new secret GOP/Dem handbook for capturing the narrative on their joint-venture humanitarian imperialist missions… Read the full story

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Second U.S. Civil War Ends In 2017- America Divided East & West


NEWS OF THE FUTURE- April, 2018 — Many changes have come to America in the years since the second Civil War in 2017. As you well know the increasing partisan tensions between the Democrats and Republicans, brewing in intensity for the last 50 years finally reached their zenith and prompted the great divide that split our once mighty land into two hostile parts. Read the full story

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