Tag Archive | "duct tape"

Duck Dynasty Christmas Not All It Was Quacked Up to Be


Christmas at the Robertsons’ homes wasn’t as merry and bright as it could have been had it not been for the family’s patriarch, Phil Robertson, spouting off about what he truly believes.

Apparently Mr. Robertson didn’t get the memo declaring that although the Duck Dynasty clan were to star in their own reality show, they had to check their real reality at the door.

Ironically, the only thing that is duck related but not produced by the Duck Dynasty dynasty is duck tape, but the family is furiously working on a deal to buy the entire Duck brand in the coming year.

Son Willie Robertson says spending a few billion dollars to buy out the Duck brand is gonna save us a helluva lotta money in the long run and this way, we’ll never have to worry about daddy or Uncle Si de-railing our gravy train again.”

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New Video from Al Qaeda Claims Idiot Bomber Not Theirs


Somewhere in Cave – A new video has been released by Al Jazeera that they claim has come directly from Osama bin Ladin in which bin Ladin emphatically states that in no way was the recent attempted NY bombing the work of one of its operatives.

Bin Ladin specifically refers to the way the “bomb” was put together by saying that the training their operatives receive don’t involve the use of that much duct tape. In fact, bin Ladin goes so far as to say that if he didn’t know better, he’d think this guy got his training by watching the American show “America’s Dumbest Criminals.” Read the full story

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Randy Jackson Packing Duct Tape for American Idol Shows


Trouble on the American Idol set already? It’s rumored that Randy Jackson let slip a little secret. He had asked his lawyers to add rolls of duct tape to the usual list of things in his contract he’d need while sitting through some of the worst singing of his life. He also asked for specially designed ear wires that work to take away distracting background noise so that he could focus on the task at hand. Read the full story

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Duct Tape to Preserve Political Careers


Washington, D.C. – It was announced today by a Republican Party spokesperson that commencing immediately, rolls of duct tape will be made available, at the entrance to the House and Senate chambers, to those Republican lawmakers who cannot seem to control themselves. “While healthy debate is encouraged in most instances, we find it necessary to impose a form of restraint at this point in the juncture on those lawmakers who are so passionate as to dishonor Congress,” said Lucy Lipsingships, Secretary of the House Decorum Committee. Read the full story

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