Tag Archive | "Duck Dynasty"

New Study Shows Small Men Prefer Big Trucks


The Size of One’s Vehicle is Directly Proportional to the Size of Genitalia

A new study conducted by the National Research Panel has concluded that men who drive large trucks, SUVs, and automobiles have smaller genitalia than men who drive small to medium sized vehicles.

The study, conducted on 350 males nationwide, lasted for three months. For the purpose of the study, the national average genitalia scaled in at 5 1/2 inches. Read the full story

Posted in Human Interest, ScienceComments (0)

Duck Dynasty’s Robertson Slams Gay Footballer Michael Sam


There were plenty of tears flowing when Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player, was drafted Saturday afternoon in the 7th round by the St. Louis Rams.

RIGHT: Phil Robertson and his latest duck call. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Some were tears of joy for Sam historically breaking the rainbow colored ceiling and achieving diversity in a macho sport like football, but some were tears of sorrow for the direction even the NFL is taking in an era of inclusiveness and acceptance of the LGBT community. Read the full story

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Kentucky Derby Horse ‘Uncle Sigh’ Doesn’t Really Give a Damn About Race


Churchill Downs – As the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby nears, one fact about one of the horses in the running this year is clear: ‘Uncle Sigh’ just doesn’t give a damn.

The horse is already pissed about having to shave his beard for the race but insisted on his jockey being allowed to carry his signature green cup of special tea during the race.

“I mean, I’ll race. I got no problem with that, Jack. But I’ll be damned if they’re gonna make me leave my tea cup somewhere during the race just so someone can steal it. No way, man.” Uncle Sigh remarked. Read the full story

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Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup


Anyone who watches the A & E reality hit show Duck Dynasty, is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.

The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler. Read the full story

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New Photo Surfaces of Early Duck Dynasty Clan Beach Party


ccShown are Willie, Jase and Jep with wives Missy, Kori and Jessica

Shown are Willie, Jase and Jep with wives Korie, Missy and Jessica.

photo credit: JeepersMedia via photopin

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Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls


Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

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Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26


Cable TV results are in for W/E 1/26 and Duck Dynasty at 6.6 million viewers easily beats out its cable reality competition.

World Wrestling Entertainment came in at 5.2, 5.0 and 4.3 million for its three Monday shows and Pawnstars clocked in at 5.2 and 4.7 for its Thursday programs.

“Lizzy Borden Took an Ax” had a surprisingly good showing at 4.4. Read the full story

Posted in Entertainment, TelevisionComments (1)

Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*


Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has revealed production for the Duck Dynasty Season 5 finale has resumed and will be titled “The Camo Knight”.

Not all elements of the anticipated episode are known but it has been learned it will prominently feature patriarch Phil Robertson dressed as a crusading Knight Templar.

Robertson battles a mysterious figure dressed in a hooded dark cloak whose only visible clue is a long, blood stained beard. Each time Robertson loses a limb to the challenger Duck Dynasty drops 2 million viewers.

As his last leg hits the ground Robertson shouts “You fight like a sodomist, heathen pagan chicken! I keel you now!”. The figure walks away saying “It is finished” removing his cloak and revealing himself to be none other than Jesus Christ.

Posted in Entertainment, TelevisionComments (4)

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling


Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates.

McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of Dennis McGuire took nearly 25 minutes and was criticized by many for its apparent lack of efficacy, since the inmate gasped and gurgled for breath for what seemed an eternity. Read the full story

Posted in Health, Human InterestComments (5)

Is Duck Dynasty’s Goose Finally Cooked?


The once-popular A&E Reality Television show Duck Dynasty is slowly sinking into oblivion as more and more people are coming out of their down-filled slumber and realizing the show does nothing more than glorify redneck values. (Hey, wait a minute. If that were the only thing to bring down a reality television series, Jerry Springer would have found himself standing in the unemployment line a long time ago.) It must be something else, read on… Read the full story

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Duck Dynasty Being Sold Down the River by Ming Dynasty


Hey, Duck Dynasty. China called. They want you to pick up the boatload of crap souvenirs you ordered last month.

Duck Dynasty paraphernalia isn’t flying off Walmart shelves anymore, which means that the warehouse that had once housed only (made in America) commando duck calls is now filled ceiling to rafters with unsold Duck Dynasty souvenirs made in China.

Duck Dynasty may be second only to the United States government in owing more than its worth to Chinese banks.

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Duck Dynasty Cancelled! A&E Introduces New Reality Show


New York City – Amid the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson and the reality show, Duck Dynasty on A&E, the network has decided to pull the plug on the once popular series in favor of a replacement that lead executives say will have less poultry and more Kruk, John Kruk that is.

“A lot of people were disappointed when we first announced the cancellation,” said Executive Producer, Bill Abraham. “But once we announced the show’s replacement starring national icon, John Kruk, fans immediately jumped on the bandwagon and are looking forward to the premiere in January. For heaven’s sake, we sold out of ‘Kruk This’ t-shirts within nine minutes!” Added an exuberant Abraham.

A&E’s new show, Kruk Dynasty, will follow the many faces of John Kruk, from his days as an extraordinary Major League Baseball player to his current role as a popular Baseball Analyst for ESPN. The new show will aim to win back disgruntled fans, annoyed with Robertson’s homosexual comments and those unaware that Louisiana was part of the United States.

“I was about to boycott A&E, but then they announced this little miracle and I’m back onboard!” Said longtime television buff, Harry Michaels, who claims that he once watched Kruk hit a homerun and consequently nicknamed him “Kruk Kommander.”

Kruk Dynasty will premiere on Tuesday, January 7th at 9:00 p.m. and plans to air 16 weekly episodes during the inaugural season. John Kruk’s agent was unavailable for comment, but Kruk posted on Twitter (@KrukHunt) “Excited for the new series! Sorry about the ducks!”

Posted in Entertainment, TelevisionComments (8)

Duck Dynasty Delusions & American Social Cohesion in Jeopardy, Experts warn


Dateline: WEST MONROE, LA—Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s Duck Dynasty, got into trouble with his politically incorrect comments about homosexuality being un-Christian.

For financial reasons, A&E stood by Mr. Robertson, Duck Dynasty will continue filming, and conservative groups have applauded the network.

However, shockwaves from the swirling winds created by the clash between conservative and liberal delusions are still propagating and culture critics warn that they threaten to destroy America with a mega tornado of bluster.
Read the full story

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Duck Dynasty Christmas Not All It Was Quacked Up to Be


Christmas at the Robertsons’ homes wasn’t as merry and bright as it could have been had it not been for the family’s patriarch, Phil Robertson, spouting off about what he truly believes.

Apparently Mr. Robertson didn’t get the memo declaring that although the Duck Dynasty clan were to star in their own reality show, they had to check their real reality at the door.

Ironically, the only thing that is duck related but not produced by the Duck Dynasty dynasty is duck tape, but the family is furiously working on a deal to buy the entire Duck brand in the coming year.

Son Willie Robertson says spending a few billion dollars to buy out the Duck brand is gonna save us a helluva lotta money in the long run and this way, we’ll never have to worry about daddy or Uncle Si de-railing our gravy train again.”

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The Joker’s YouTube Video Fails to Trend


The Joker flew into a rage following failure of his new YouTube video to go viral. Efforts to sedate him similarly failed due to his high tolerance to anti-psychotic drugs.

According to psychiatrists at Arkham,” Hell, his half-assed effort to appear sane was about as successful as current gun-control laws and half as batshit crazy as Duck Dynasty. We figured it might just fly!” Following are excerpts from The Joker’s rambling 3-hour video.

Good evening Arkham! I’m the Joker and all I’ve got to say is I WAS FRAMED!!!! I’m not that vilified fictional character, slandered for decades in film and comics. I’m a real person and much less of a menace than that guy behind you in his Hummer talking on a cell phone.

I’m not homicidal unless you cut me off in traffic. And I may be deliriously misguided but even I know that privacy is an illusion. I’m the embodiment of skewed views, sure, but I’m also the antithesis of unrestrained, uninformed opinion, irrelevant dialog and inaccurate depiction. I’m a false impression designed to be extrapolated to disaster. Or I’m a vehicle for satirical discourse, nothing more. But, I’m probably more like you than you think.

I’m locked away here in Arkham, a victim of selective societal censorship and unpopular conjecture. In other words, they shut down my “pyrotechnic art display”. What’s it take to get some recognition in this town? So after being hidden away here in Arkham for a while, it occurred to me that maybe I need to get a grip on the anger issues. So I’ve done some reading in the library and decided to explore expressing myself in ways other than a homicidal rage. Dr. Crane suggested I start a blog. He also suggested I “fear him”, so the blog seemed like the better alternative.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Why should I take the blame for my own actions? I’m a scapegoat for the failure of others, placed here by the Batman (who is only an idea, nothing more). We all have a Batman in our midst, the same Batman that puts us all in cages, frightening us into silence from the darkness.

Lurking around in ways that would get me arrested. He is Version 6.0 of the Thought Police using the power of alienation to force conformity. And you have admit my purple and green combo isn’t exactly comformed dress. My entire universe is Arkham, but at least in this universe, I am surrounded by friends and other misfits. Here they call me “Jack”.

Dr. Crane also figured it would be good therapy to express myself through music, so I’d like to give a short concert with just me and my guitar. At first, I was going to play some Ray Charles on the banjo, but I just don’t see that happening now. The banjo is such a happy instrument. You just can’t play the blues on a banjo.

Wanna meet my friends? DO IT!!! I think you might know them anyway. First, I wanna give a shout out to The Riddler who couldn’t be here in person this evening because he’s undergoing shock therapy. But, he wanted me to read this little riddle for you. It sucks, but here goes…um….how is Batman like Pamela Anderson’s boobs? All three are fakes!! BUH-DUMP-BUMP. Give it up for Cat Woman on snare drum, folks…those were her boobs bouncing off of it. Yeah, she’s seen better days.

Yo, Penguin, thanks for being here. Glad to see you’re finally taking a balanced diet and dental hygiene seriously. Whassup Bane, how’s the detox going? Ah, right…one day at a time, Brother….one day at a time.

Not all of them showed up for the show. In the cell next mine is an ex-FBI agent. I talked to him briefly while they were hosing out his cell. He says UFOs kidnapped his sister and the government is covering it up. AH, HA, HAA, HAAAA! Yeah, that sucker is crazy!

Over there is a journalist who wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning expose about disinformation and the public being misinformed, deceived and led into a war. That’s not so bad…but when he takes his glasses off he thinks he’s an alien sent to Earth as an infant to rescue the world. Show him anything green and he flips out. And he discovered the hard way that he wasn’t bullet-proof after they found some disinformation he overlooked in his research. So he had no X- ray vision, either. I can’t figure out why there aren’t more politicians in here. But like beauty, insanity is in the eye of the beholder. And in the Land of the Loon, the sane man is screwed.

Then there’s me, singing folk songs, square dancing and looking like Bob Dylan with green hair. This evening, I wanted to sing a song close to my heart. But they took it away when they arrested me so I’m going to use this rubber facsimile to remind me of homicidal days long past. This is a song I wrote several years ago while I was depressed about global warming. But current events prompted me to re-write it with more relevant lyrics, lyrics which express the human condition today. It’s a song of alienation, isolation, degradation, and finally emancipation.

I…HEY! Get off the stage!!

I prefer to call it the “The Joker’s Blues” but in order to give proper credit to Gilbert O’ Sullivan…let’s call it “A Loon Again (Naturally)”.

“In a little while from now

Batman’s gonna learn how

I can gain in wealth and flirt with death

without graphics reading “Bang” and “Pow”.

I’ve selected the meds to stop,

and I’m climbing to the top

of the crime scene,

so you’ll know I mean

what I say now that I’m shattered!

Standing in the rain,

with the pain of a smile frozen

upon my face,

as white as paste.

So now no more restraining,

my dark and moody tone

because I’m on my own.

A loon again, naturally.

To think that only yesterday

people thought I dressed too gay,

and looking forward to what Batman would do

to harass me every night and day.

He’d always knock me down.

But, insanity came around

and without so much,

as a mere touch

I splintered into little pieces.

Leaving me to doubt

talk about God and His mercy

’cause if He really does exist

he still let’s Batman hurt me.

But, I’m not the only one

who’s harassed just for fun.

A loon again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world

that can’t be mended.

Left unattended.

What would you do,

if it were you?

(Guitar solo)

Looking back over the years,

I see shattered hopes and fears.

I remember I cried about wounded pride

heaped on me by my callous peers.

And by thirty-five years old

the darkness overtook my soul.

Now I understand as an older man,

all the bullsh#t I have taken.

So I intend to start

to fix a heart so badly broken

from few supportive words for me,

or kindly deeds unspoken.

That pain is gone away,

and I’m on meds all day,

A loon again, naturally.

A loon again, naturally…”

AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!

Good night, Arkham I’m here all week!!!!

All…week…long!!!!

Posted in Entertainment, Talky PicturesComments (3)

Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy


Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, unfortunately, he can’t pay his mounting debt and therefore won’t be visiting your home with lots of toys and goodies.

Due to the economic downturn felt all over the globe, Santa Claus International has been forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. A press release issued at the last minute Friday had the jolly old elf himself near tears as he announced that his beloved toy operation would no longer exist, and he would be staying put in the North Pole this year instead of delivering toys to children and adults around the world. Read the full story

Posted in Biz News, Human InterestComments (0)

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