Here’s a little guide to help ensure that you’re driving like the rest of America.

DON’T BE AWARE!

While driving, keep in mind that everyone else on the road should be looking out for you. Therefore, there is no reason for you to be aware of your surroundings. A perfect example of this would be not checking your blind spot when trying to change lanes. Read the full story

San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — Piggybacking on the protests over Arizona’s new immigration law that demands proof of citizenship from people dressed in pointy cowboy boots, polyester shirts, tattered sombreros and riding old girl’s bikes, an army of drunken drivers are furious over current DUI laws they believe target their right to drive like kooks and kill anyone in their paths.

The loosely organized group, known as, “I Drink I Drive,“ or I.D.I.D., whose platform includes a whiff of libertarianism, has fired off several letters to the President and Governors of various states and are planning a semi-orchestrated protest that involves driving thousands of cars into state capital buildings Read the full story

Nolanville, VA-Every weekday morning at 3 a.m., 45-year old George Ross puts on his pants for the third time, combs every strand of hair separately and plucks any wayward nose hairs. He measures one teaspoon of sugar into his carefully prepared cup of coffee then pours it out, washes the cup and sink twice, and starts the process all over again. After exactly 16 false starts out of the house, in which he returns from the driveway to check the doors and windows, as well as the coffee maker and iron, he is ready to head off to work as the community crossing guard for Billy Bob Thornton Elementary School. Read the full story

American drivers nationwide gave a collective cuss of relief when the US Department of Transportation announced its approval for a building project that would add designated asshole lanes to all the nation’s freeways by 2010. Read the full story