Tag Archive | "doomsday"

Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes

Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.

Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, “Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to the fact that zombies lack muscle tissue.”
Read the full story

Posted in Health, World NewsComments (9)

Maybe the Mayans were right. Religious scholars say gay marriage a sign the end is near.

Experts in ancient Mayan culture recently prophesized that the world would come to a cataclysmic end in 2012, give or take a year or two. They based this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation last year that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, even if they were off by a couple years, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon. Read the full story

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, SocietyComments (0)

“Scientists”: This Year Officially Does Not Exist

In an announcement which may not come as a shock to readers from the United States, Barack Obama has declared that there will be no such year as 2013, which will now instead be referred to as 2014a.

“The issue at hand is our national triskaidekaphobia,” the President explained at an earlier press conference. “Many of our citizens are so scared of the number thirteen that there is no Room Thirteen in the majority of hotels, and buildings of sufficient height very often skip straight from the twelfth floor to the fourteenth. Continue Reading

Posted in Human Interest, Strange PeopleComments (0)

Aztecs Slam “Typical Stupid Mayans” When World Fails to End

Many Aztecs throughout North and Central America rejoiced at the stroke of midnight December 22nd, 2012, as the world failed to end, in accordance with Mayan prophecy.

“Those stupid [beeping] Mayans. They’re just wrong about everything,” said Miguel Quattel, an Aztec living just south of Mexico City. “They were wrong about agriculture, they were wrong about the Spanish, and once again they came up stupid.” Read the full story

Posted in Society, TechnologyComments (3)

So Long, Farewell, Adieu! The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too!

Greetings dear Readers!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the advice of what later turned out to be a con artist, this article was not reviewed for publication prior to the end of days deadline. We had been assured that the world was ending, and as such we ceased editorial efforts and all got hooked on heroine instead.

As a result, this article is coming out late, my skin itches and I think I need to take that thin film of skin off my eye. I haven’t decided yet.]

As we all know the legendary 21st of December is almost upon us which means that according to the Mayan Calendar tomorrow we are all going to croak in horrible ways.

On behalf of myself and the rest of the Glossy News staff I just wanted to take this time to say thanks to all our readers and that it has been a fun ride. You have been a swell audience and we have certainly had some fun laughs together. Read the full story

Posted in Sports EventsComments (1)

Mayans Were Right? Religious Scholars Say Gay Marriage Sign End Is Near

Experts in ancient Mayan culture have been prophesizing the world will come to a cataclysmic end in 2012. They base this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation earlier this summer that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon. Read the full story

Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (1)

SatireWorld to give out free Mayan Calendars To Celebrate The Apocalypse

(SatireWorld.com) – One of the web’s leading satire sites has broken new ground in promoting its site by offering a free gift to readers… In this case a free Mayan Calendar!

Since December 21, 2012 is the supposed end of all mankind according to several religions and is also the end of the Mayan Calendar, the coincidence has allowed many to think the ancients had a forewarning of a rather bleak Christmas season to come. It has also sparked fear amongst the paranoid, and hopes among those who wish the world as we know it a speedy and violent end. Read the full story

Posted in SocietyComments (0)

Sony Blames Harold Camping for Prolonged PSN Outage

The weeks of the Playstation Network being down was frustrating for many gamers. What was even more frustrating was the constant reassurance that the network would be back up soon, with that date being pushed farther and farther back.

Many gamers voiced their frustration at Sony for continuously moving back the date for when the network would be back online. Responding to the gaming community’s frustrations, Sony released an announcement explaining the situation. Read the full story

Posted in Entertainment, Gadgets & GizmosComments (0)

Crap, I Totally Blew Off the Day of Doom

Well, I had every good intention of giving the End of the World* my undivided attention.

Unfortunately, I had several things on my to do list that took precedence and, before I knew it, the day was upon me. Looked at my watch and it was half past midnight on the 21st of May.

Oh sure, I know I have until 6 p.m. to get something written about the world coming to an end today, but honestly, my day is pretty much packed with other stuff to do. Read the full story

Posted in Religionism, Serious CommentaryComments (1)

Forget Doomsday Prophecies; Beer Prices are Skyrocketing

SOMEWHERE, USA (GlossyNews) — Another Friday the 13th came and went without incident. It’s as if the Universe doesn’t take itself seriously anymore. Mars can run retrograde and Saturn can be humping Venus (relatively speaking of course) and still life goes on without so much as a blip.

Until now. Quietly staying behind in the shadows was the bad news of the century waiting its turn to slap the face of every serious beer guzzler out there. Thursday’s business section, August 12th, jumping the gun on every conceivable Friday the 13th doomsday scenario, “The price of a pint may be going up 40%!” Read the full story

Posted in Human Interest, TelevisionComments (0)

21/12/2012: Oprah-Geddon Approaches

2012 is coming – approaching fast. A time to be afraid – very afraid – as the threadbare cliché goes. Actually I’d advise you to be more than very afraid – shit-scared would be more appropriate, in point in fact.

21/12/2012 – the end of the World as we know it – and all thanks to Oprah Winfrey. Read the full story

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, TelevisionComments (0)

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