Tag Archive | "disaster"

Dozens Trampled Over Obamacare Holiday Sale


In what is already being called the worst accident since Walmart’s Black ThurFriday Sale, dozens of people were trampled when crowds broke through library barriers trying to take advantage of Obama’s “Buy One Get One Free” holiday health care plan sale.

The holiday deal which runs through the end of December was meant to buoy flagging sales of health insurance plans.

Several witnesses present at the scene were left confused over the rush since the website can be accessed by anyone with a computer and an internet connection. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments (2)

NASA Scientists Warn; More Asteroids, Comets and Meteors On The Way to Destroy Earth


NASA scientists have revealed that the recent meteor explosion in Russia, the flyby of asteroid 212 DA 124, the strange meteor shower over Florida and the mysterious fireball spotted over southern California are simply precursors of the devastation yet to come.

“Essentially”, said NASA spokesperson Jennifer Conspire, “we are advising people to enjoy their lives now because Armageddon is coming!”

Conspire stated that the end of the world is coming and there is little that can be done about it.

“Eat fatty food, drink, get laid, smoke, take a trip around the world on credit or do any hair brained things you can think of because it all won’t matter in a few months”, Conspire declared. “Unless you’re one of those religious people who believe in karma or something”.

NASA administrator Charles Bolden refuted Conspire’s clams. “There’s a few meteors headed our way but everything is going to be just swell! Don’t listen to that crazy lady! I’m going to fire her!”

Later that day Bolden was seen cashing in all his stocks and booking a flight to Aruba.

NASA scientist Joel McKenzie agreed with Conspire’s declaration. “Some of them we can see coming whereas others we can’t. In any case, we don’t have enough nuclear weapons to destroy them all or even divert them. We’re doomed!”

16 year old Jake Mulligan and his 15 year old girlfriend Jenny Stratalucci are planning on having sex this weekend to make sure they are not virgins when the end times come.

Chicago businessman Peter Manklevitch says he is going to spend all his money on prostitutes and beer this weekend. “I sure as hell hope this ain’t just a rumor”, he stated.

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Posted in Environment, Science & TechnologizzyComments (3)

Should the Federal Government Help New York & New Jersey Rebuild?


The northeast was recently devastated by super-storm Sandy and the local government has found that, unlike in other natural disasters, federal action and relief has been slow coming.

To some it appears a matter of the politics of fiscal responsibility, while others cry out that catastrophes are non-partisan. Should the government respond? How should the government respond? Are we even asking the right questions? Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, PoliticsComments (1)

Rampant Mourning: Obama Conspires with Hurricane to Steal Election


In what has been the most polarizing campaign since our nation was torn apart by Pepsi’s shocking defeat of Coke in the Pepsi Challenge of 1975, it appears that thanks to an ingenious last-minute October Surprise maneuver, President Obama has stolen the 2012 presidential election, defeating America’s (and God’s) preferred candidate, Mitt Romney. Read the full story

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Japan to Stop Using Nuclear Power, Get Giant Monster Insurance


TOKYO- The Prime Minister of Japan, Yoshihiko Noda, announced that his country will be discontinuing the use of nuclear energy and will also be shopping for giant monster insurance policies.

The decision was widely expected after the disastrous earthquake that left the Fukushima power plant a veritable spawning pool for giant radioactive monsters. Read the full story

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“Unstoppable-Radioactive-Tsunami-Earthquake” Reports Initially Dismissed as Bizarre Charlie Sheen Quote


Tokyo, 730am. The global community was reeling in shock today after multiple disasters struck the Tohoku region of Japan in the North West Pacific Ocean. An earthquake followed by a tsunami, followed by a nuclear meltdown. As local Tohoku farmer Tonka Asahi put it, “We Nippon used to tsunami and earthcrake and radiation. But all thlee at once? Give us a blake!” Read the full story

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Posted in World NewsComments (24)

Coast Guard Fights Huge Leak in SeaWorld Whale


ORLANDO, Florida (GlossyNews) — Wearied by weeks of fighting the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the U.S. Coast Guard mobilized today to battle a large leak from a giant whale in a SeaWorld theme park.

“This is massive,” said Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen. “An animal this size naturally produces a very big leak.”

As of this morning the leak was still spreading, Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, ScienceComments (3)

Miners in Ghana Feared Dead or Taking Dives to Protest Working Conditions


ACCRA, Ghana (GlossyNews) — According to local officials in Ghana, at least 32 miners from Dunkwa Akyempim are feared dead after the gold mine they were working in collapsed from torrential rains. Although the accident occurred on Sunday, rescue efforts were hindered by flooding. International excavation experts say that because the mine was constructed as a pit, the influx of water would likely have pooled at the bottom and drowned the men within hours. Read the full story

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Oil Exec Tossed from New Orleans Restaurant


New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) -– Oil executives returned back to their home-away-from-home in Louisiana after a grueling week in front of a Senate investigative panel to answer tough questions about the ongoing oil spill problem in the Gulf of Mexico. They decided to unwind at a favorite local dining establishment, the Bayou Bourgeois Bistro that evening.

The Bayou Bourgeois Bistro, situated on the water in the small town of Thibodaux, Louisiana, is a favorite among locals and tourists alike for its ability to serve up some of the best authentic Cajun cooking in Louisiana Read the full story

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Dozens of Psychics Warn ‘Something Big’ About to Happen


Somewhere (GlossyNews) — Wednesday was a hotbed of psychic activity as readings poured in from all over the country from psychics warning that “something big” is coming down the pike. They could not hone in on exactly what it was, but said “it is big, really big.” Read the full story

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Posted in Strange PeopleComments (6)

Famed Aviator Capt. Clarence Oveur Dead at 83


POMONA, CA (GlossyNews) — Captain Clarence Oveur, an aviation legend, has died of a heart attack. He was 83.

Oveur was one of the heroes responsible for the successful landing of distressed Trans American flight 209 to Chicago in 1980. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity GossipComments (1)

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