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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 9


9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED – Part 9 (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The door closed, the room hushed. General Tromsa had an innate feeling as he has had only a few times in his life at critical moments when he intuitively knew that something was about to happen that would leave his life channeled into another direction from what it had been previously.

Cheney walked a few paces ahead of him, then turned and gazed piercingly into his eyes. He knew he was to show this man respect, and he did, but he did not like him.

He recognized him as a powerful person, but also as one who never did anything that did not benefit himself or his own position in life. The General would need to be obliging, but also careful in dealing with the man who had too much power suddenly dropped into his hands.

“General Tromsa, would you be so kind as to sit next to me. This will concern you most of all.” asked Cheney covering up the microphone.

Cheney carefully weighed what he was about to say, choosing a specific tone of voice to carry it over- “Gentlemen, we need a new agency that goes a step beyond what the CIA, the FBI and the NSA does. We need an organization that can watch out for all terrorist threats to this country and specialize on that.“

“Sir, I’m sure the CIA, NSA and FBI can be counted on in those regards. They have many years of experience.” put in General Tromsa.

“The situation is, General, that these rag heads and any of a bunch of other such hoodlums have proven that even cavemen like them can get in and bomb US, (he tapped his chest for effect) that is you and me and that we were in no way ready for it.”

Tromsa could hear the subtle irritation in Cheney’s voice. He knew the man thought of himself as beyond all others in knowledge and regarded even he, a four star general, as a lesser-ling.

“US, General, the people who run this goddamn country! It not like they went after bumfuck Nebraska, they went after us- Washington, New York, the Pentagon; the real nerve centers of the country.

“The people who really run this show. And three weeks ago they got the President of the United States and turned him into sausage. They pulverized the CEO’s of eight corporations at the Twin Towers.

“We need something that will iron clad us, I don’t care how much of the Treasury we have to rob to get it going! Gentlemen, this job will be yours. Of course, I will oversee it and will be the ultimate approver of it.”

“This is a matter I want to make the greatest priority along with finding and eliminating the organization that was behind this attack. Our new agency will be the one to do it.”

Cheney’s eyes shot around the room for any sign of dissent. Not finding any he continued. “I will turn this over to my advisers for questions and answers. I shall return shortly as there are other matters pending that I must attend to.”

“We are going to need a new body to watch out for us. One that embodies and oversees all other intelligence agencies. That is my goal and quest to form that body of intelligence.”

The assembled politicians and military personnel all cast covert looks at each other. Tromsa knew it would be a huge job. He could also see that Cheney was already fully into his role of President. Perhaps he had been for a long time already.

The Senate subcommittee was the next day. It was not as easy going as General Tromsa had been about the previous gathering.

They called the President into a meeting of Senators and Legislators to get down to the meaning of this new organization. Officials from the FBI and CIA were also there.

“The matter is simple- there is no need for another intelligence agency Mr. President. We already have three competent, battle proved agencies whose track record everyone knows.

“We do our job, Mr. President, and frankly, I think we do it very well. There are no shirkers here at the FBI. And I am sure that my colleagues at the CIA can make a similar boast.”

Cheney spoke calmly, little belaying that he was upset by this insubordination.

“As the enemy progresses in sophistication, so must we. We are now dealing on too many fronts with people who would damage us and limit us if they can.

“The CIA and FBI are foremost organizations and, of course, exemplary of what America can produce. But for these new threats we need a new force, a new pair of eyes, different sets of muscle.

“We need an organization that can perceive a threat and take ready action against it. It also cannot be limited by the restraints that the other law agencies must endure. We need an organization that can work around limitations and step in where the other two cannot not.”

“What is the need Mr. President? It would be a huge waste of government funds. The taxpayers have been howling for so long that we are spending too much.”

“I believe the taxpayers are more concerned about what happened at 911 and that this what is crucial on their minds. The American people want to feel safe. The new agency I wish for would concentrate directly on keeping all within our borders safe.”

“At any price, Mr. President?”

“At any price. Safely and security are the top priorities.”

“What will this agency do that the FBI and The CIA cannot do?”

“The new agency, which will be code named ‘Homeland Security’ will be just that. They will exist for that sole purpose- protecting the homeland, America, against all aggressors and all invasions down to the individual.

“They will oversee all incidents relating to internal and national security and they will aggressively eliminate all threats to them. We will begin with installing agents of this organization at all ports of entry to this country to oversee that all persons, luggage and material entering this country will be subject to extreme surveillance so that no threat shall enter these borders be they human or material.

“When they grow more into their roles then they will also be injected into other lands.”

“Sir, I truly believe the two we have already can do that already.

“This new agency will also be overseeing the other two.’

There was a dead silence in the auditorium.

Disbelievingly, Director Micheals spoke. “This Homeland Security will be over seeing the CIA and the FBI?”

“That is correct, Director Micheals.”

His statement lit a spark that now engulfed the room. Angry talk and discussions rolled throughout the air. The Director rose out of his chair in anger. “This is an outrage!

“A fledgling organization, fresh born, will oversee two agencies that have proved themselves in battle over decades! That is an insult! What in the world are you thinking?”

“I have conferred with my aides and they see eye to eye on this. We need an oversight organization.”

“This is a form of treason, President Cheney! This is incredible! Who would this Homeland Security answer to?”

“To me personally.”

“Ahh, I see. To you personally! So that would give you de facto control over all three organizations. How smart! How dictatorial!”

Irritation grew in Cheney’s nerves, giving his eyes a wolf like glow. “It is something that needs to be done, Micheals. We can’t be fooling around with these terrorists. We need to have an iron protection around this country.”

“And that is what you will have Mr. Cheney, an iron control over this country. And I think that is what you want.”

Cheney’s blood pressure was spiking. ‘I am doing what I believe to be necessary for the country, Mr. Micheals. Nothing more.”

Micheals leaned forward in his chair and fastened a direct eye upon the new President. “Tell me something, Mr. Cheney- Were these new terrorists a threat only to our military personnel or to ordinary civilians, would you be going to this much trouble to make a new organization?”

Cheney felt a glowing anger sear through his brain. It was his time for bold faced lying. “I am only doing what I believe necessary to protect the people of this country. I do not see why I need to be condemned for that. I believe our conference has come to an end, gentlemen. Good day.”

A muted gasp went up from many of the reporters assembled followed by angry muttering. Many flashed dark glances at the President as they put together their papers for leaving.

“Good day indeed… “ Muttered Micheals under his breath as he collected his papers in his briefcase and stormed out. The tension in the room was unbearable.

To be continued…

– – – – – – – – – – – –
The entire book of 9/12/2001 is available on lulu.com.

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 8 – The Top Dog Meeting


9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED – Part 8 (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7.

The atmosphere in the meeting room was the tensest of any since 911. It was also the most secretive. Cheney had watched closely the actions of his secret service men and had made a special section within them who would answer directly to him and not to their chief.

They had autonomy from the rest of the secret Service. They now guarded, under a form of secrecy never seen before in the White House, a ‘Green Zone’ within the periphery of the meeting. What was unusual was that other politicians were excluded and to be kept in the dark about the assembly.

The other unusuality was that the majority of those in the group were from outside the political sphere, CEO’s, industry representatives and other non-coms were ushered into a meeting that would prove to be as historic as The Yalta Conference- were historians ever to learn of it.

Cheney came in late. All rose in proper respect. But he would not be the main one speaking. He was not the top dog here. The top dog was not even there.

The honor of being the prime speaker would be Marshall Koheso, representative for the Unalgo Petroleum Consortium. He would be speaking on behalf of the President of the Corporation, Johnathon Meyers.

Mr. Meyers had deemed it wise not to be there himself. Even with the tight security he feared that a leak of his presence there would be disastrous both to him and to the company.

So, thereby, Mr. Koheso being little more than an intelligent mouthpiece, got to be King For A Day at the conference.

Mr. Koheso walked up to the podium. He wasted no time in getting to the point. “So, gentlemen, welcome! We have a lot to go over and it would be wise to keep our time here to a minimum and to get as much said in done in as few words as possible.

I am hoping that everyone has their cell phones turned off and, I most sincerely hope that no one is wearing a bug because we are monitoring for such. I don’t need to mention the embarrassment that would occur if we were to interrupt this meeting because someone was wearing one.”

He stopped for a moment and gave a sharp eyed look around the room for anyone looking uncomfortable with that announcement.

“We might as well jump into it. World oil production had reached its peak. The chance of finding more large oil deposits is diminishing. China and India are moving up in their energy usage.

My friends, the world is only so big. There is only so much oil. We need to grab our share while we can. Now we have our chance”

”Ten years ago we engaged in a war to free Kuwait from Saddam Hussein’s domination. We succeeded. And by succeeding we gained the trust and a good percentage of the oil reserves of Kuwait and Saudi Arabia. But we made a bad mistake. We should have taken Iraq as well.

We had them by the tail and we intentionally let go. With oil supplies dwindling it would have been logical to keep Iraq with a quarter of the world’s oil supplies under our thumb.”

“Now the advent of the Afghanistan war has given us another opportunity. Iraq is right next door. This is a golden chance. Everyone thinks the worst of Saddam Hussein. It wouldn’t take much to make it look like he was involved in 911.

Not much at all. If we were to prove convincingly that he was, then we would have an excuse to march back to Baghdad. And it would be the same cake walk that it was the last time.”

“We have been conferring confidentially with military and financial experts about the possibility of launching a strike on Iraq. Most agree that it is a feasible undertaking.

If it were to be done Blitzkrieg style with little announcement, rapid deployment and little interference from outside powers, we could have command of the Iraqi oilfields in a week.”

A murmur of comment sounded throughout the room.

“What would seal the initiative would be if we were to say that Hussein had the ability to launch weapons against us or Europe and make it stick. That would be the clincher.” He waited to let this sink in.

“If we could convince Americans that Iraq could blow them out of their pajamas in the dead of night, Iraq would be ours for the taking. If we could convince at least a good portion of Europeans the same, so much the sweeter.”

He stopped and looked around the room, gauging how they were taking this. He saw reflective, pensive and thoughtful faces, all mulling over what he had just introduced.

He sensed a hesitancy, an unwillingness to go this far. He would have to hammer the last nail in the coffin.

“It is only a matter of time before the oil starts to run short. Do we want the Chinese to get the majority of it? Think of how much they would squander if their 2 billion all got autos. India has one billion people. Between the two of them that is 9 times as many people as are in the United States.“

He let this sink in. “I will put it bluntly gentlemen- if we are to survive we need Iraq! If we take Iraq now, we will thrive at least through our generation.”

He let the hammer fall. “And lets be honest folks, all we really care about it our generation. What happens after we are gone is someone elses problem.”

He went on at length to explain the inaccuracies of the situation to a rapt audience.

Spirited discussion broke out all around him. Some of it was fearful, some aggressive.

While the chatter was going on and the attention was scattered, Koheso carefully worked his way to the edge of the podium, then engaged in some fake dialogue with a colleague at the end of it.

A couple of secret service men in plainclothes surrounded him appearing to engage in conversation, then, when no one was looking, spirited him away through a false panel out of sight of the audience.

Two of the normally garbed secret service agents escorted him up the hidden walkway and out an unmarked exit, making sure he made it to his car unmolested and out the gate.

His disappearance was a major psychological factor of the presentation. His partner Lance Jainson would be left to give a set of predetermined answers to whoever asked. And the answers were all oriented towards war in Iraq.

NEWS FLASH! – “The Pentagon maintains that Iraq has weapons that could cause massive destruction against the United States, Europe and Israel. Officials say that satellite photos have given officials enough evidence to support the theory that the country has missiles with the capability of reaching the United States.

“It is also believed that Saddam Hussein has received the instructions needed to build an atomic warhead from Palestinian agents within his country. Top military Generals are saying that we might need a greater troop buildup in Afghanistan in case things start to get difficult in Iraq.”

— – – – – – – –
To Be Continued…
— – – – – – – –

The complete book of ‘9/12/2001’ is available from lulu.com.

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – the Iraq Factor


9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – The Iraq Factor
(A serial book excerpt)
After President Bush is killed when Flight 93 strikes the White House on 9/11, Vice President Cheney ascends to the throne. Things begin to change quite radically:

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.
– – – – – – – – – – – – –

Part 7 – The Iraq Factor

McGurty was ushered into the office. Cheney stood up to meet him. Read the full story

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened -Part 6


9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED
Part 6
(A serial book excerpt)

In previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 Read the full story

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 5


9/12/2001, THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED – Part 5 (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.

From there he oversees the demolition of what remains of the Twin Towers.

Part 5

The first estimates were 5,000 dead at the Twin Towers, 400 at the Pentagon and 34 at the White House. The Twin Towers they might never know the exact number given how many visitors and tourists were there at the fateful moments.

Head companies located therein were already sending the FBI their personnel files of who was working that day. Police phone lines were jammed with worried relatives asking about their kin who worked there.

It was already known that a number of emergency personnel, especially firemen, had been crushed when the towers collapsed. The intentional demolishing of the towers would be kept a top secret.

There would be too much misunderstanding of a necessary action. Large segments of the populace would definitely see it the wrong way.

It could probably not be hidden forever, but hopefully would hold for a while until some order was restored.

The combined effort of the CIA and the FBI were already coming up with a profile of suspects on the fated planes. A disturbingly high number of Saudi Arabian nationals were on all the flights.

That alone was enough of an answer for many. It was probably an Islamic terrorist attack. Suspicions were also thrown in the direction of Saddam Hussein’s corner, but it was doubted that he would do such a low budget form of revenge and with so many planes.

It was not his style. Already conspiracy theorists were having a field day with the aggressors being everything from Irish separatists to the Vatican.

More serious and studied minds put their feelers out towards domestic saboteur possibilities, Libya’s President Gaddafi, the Red Army and Palestinian vengeance. Of those four, only the Palestinian idea held any real likelihood.

But the real, the looming, the almost obvious suspicion was the heart of the Mideast discontentment- Al Queda or any one of the dozens of wanna-be terrorist groups who wished to be taken seriously and vented aggravations both real and imagined against the United States and Western society in general.

The entire scope of the U.S. Intelligence community was working on the solution.

The East wing was made the center of operations for the White House. Little could be salvaged from the Oval Office. What instruments were lost there had been quickly replaced.

The Lincoln Bedroom was now the substitute for the Oval Office. The great Emancipators bed had been pushed to a corner and a rather ordinary oak desk was the subsistence for Bush’s antique one.

Of course there had been a big to-do about this in the newspapers with numerous photos of Cheney taken while working. The photos were always accompanied by another photo of the wreckage of the West Wing for psychological impact.

A large conference table had also been maneuvered into the the room. Today it would be well used for this would be the first Cabinet meeting of President Cheney’s leadership.

Cheney kept the meeting of the first Cabinet meeting to the point. Everyone was on edge anyway because of the bombing and the unexpected changes it brought about. One thing he could count on was they were all instep with him.

They were Bush’s choices. A few of them would be slowly moved out. They had worked well with the hick from Texas, but Cheney was going to have to be Wyoming with them, and a couple would not make that cut.

He wanted a sleek machine. One that didn’t give him “No.” for an answer. One that did as he ordered. That was one thing he picked up from the military that he ruled but did not serve. Giving orders and expecting them obeyed.

“The first order of business will be to put a tab on every damn Muslim in this country. I don’t care if he is a babe just getting delivered, they need to be watched.

“We will keep most of it secret, but I am sure the liberals will come up with some lovey-dovey reason for being touchy feely with them. We cannot put up with that BS. We need to immediately round up anyone who is even a little suspicious. This goes for their teenagers too.

“We don’t want them passing through the sieve only to light a fire under our beds the next morning. We don’t want concentration camps like we did for the Japanese in WWII, but we want as close to that as we can come and get away with it.”

“The eggs who show any real suspicion we will hold in one maximum prison. I am thinking of ADX in Colorado. It will be easy to watch them there. If they escape they’ll stick out like sore thumbs.” He gave his own half-joke a half smile. The crowd laughed nervously at it.

“We will keep the whole affair as secret as we can, which of course is impossible. But right now we have the worlds’ sympathy. The only ones that will strongly object are the other Muslim countries and, of course Russia and maybe the Mainland Chinese just to be pain in the asses.

“Any European country with a sizable Muslim population- Germany, England, France, will be nervous too and back us up. And they are the ones who matter. But we will say we are doing it to protect them from retaliatory violence. We could probably even get away with saying we were doing it to shield them from the bad Muslims. “

“This is also a great chance to grab as much power as we can. Everybody is behind us either out of anger at what happened or fear of what could happen. We’ve got to act fast to line up things in our favor as much as possible before the feeling ebbs.

“Even the Democrats for God’s sake are stiff as boards. We yell boo and they’ll jump a foot. We’ve got the citizens by the balls if we grab them right.”

Cheney soaked in their enthusiastic applause when he finished. He was especially pleased that there was not an once of rebuttal against anything he had said.

“McGurty,” Cheney reached out and grabbed his arm before he got too far away, “I need to talk to you for a moment.”

He could see that the new head man was serious. He gave him his full attention.

“This is confidential. Only you and me are talking, OK?”

“Got it.” It made him nervous, but long political experience gave him a poker face to cover all his range of emotions, especially fear.

“I’m going to need to get rid of Hastert.” He stopped to let this sink in. It looked like it came to James as a surprise, but not as a shock. “He’s not going to work for me. I need someone with a little more spunk. I don’t want a VP who is just going to sit on his hands.”

‘Who do you want for this?” asked James.

“I want Tom DeLay. He has the sort of brashness that I will need. I need someone who can be a plow and not a picnicker.”

“That will take some doing. It would be easier if Hastert had done something we could throw mud at. Is there anything?”

“Nothing that would make it stick. I think the conservatives would go with us just to have a strong candidate.”

“We sill have to move quick before Hastert gets too cemented into his job.”

“Let’s get moving on it then. I want DeLay in the White House as quickly as we can.”

“Yes sir. I’ll get on it.”

Cheney went on his busy was, leaving McGurty standing there to figure out exactly how he was going to pull this one off.

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 4


9/12/2001 THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments –
After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned,
Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
From there he overseas the demolition of what remains of the Twin Towers. Read the full story

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 3


9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened

Prelude- On 9/11/2001 Flight 93 crashes into the White House as was originally planned. Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
– – – – – – – – – –

PART 3

The streets were quieting down. Traffic was a fraction of what it normally was. There was still the noise of everyday city life, but it was lessened, muted.

An apprehension lay in the air. The sky suddenly seemed much bigger now that one knew death could fly down from it. For the first time in two centuries a major attack had been launched on the bedrock of America and it had left major fractures in it. Read the full story

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9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)


9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

In Part 1 Flight 93 has accomplished its goal of smashing into the White House, apparently killing President George W. Bush. Secret Service men are now searching for Dick Cheney who is the new President by default.

– – – – – – – – – – –

PART 2

Dick Cheney was a very lucky man. The Fates seemed to favor him. He was at the east end of the White House, furthest from the impact point. He had been standing, immersed in the incoming news of planes hitting the World Trade Centers in Manhattan when the impact threw him against a wall of books, then to the ground. Read the full story

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9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened


(A book serial excerpt)

What would have happened had events occurred differently on 9/11?

The aircraft nosed through the mid morning sky. Outside the fuselage it was a sleek bird jetting its way through the air, its wings leaving contrails over the Midwest landscape far below it. It made for a peaceful picture. Or at least from the outside it did.

The plane wobbled occasionally. Lesser experienced hands were at the helm. Still it sailed on majestically, the way it was designed to. Inside there had been a disturbance that could have altered all that, but it was settled now. It sailed onward towards its destination, a new one.

Shortly it came in sight of the metropolis that it sought and began its long descent. The radar was turned off; eyes alone would be controlling its flight at this point.

The low altitude of the plane gave it a magnificent view of the whole city. One could make out the famous landmarks if one knew what to look for. Obvious was the Potomac.

A careful eye could pick out the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian , the Washington Monument.

Shortly the pilots saw their destination. They began a controlled dive. And a chant in a language that those within earshot would not have understand had they still been alive.

Their goal was right before them. The words from their mouths were prayerful and hushed. A moments breath later the plane tore into the White House which a second before had been such a beautiful, majestic building.

“News Update! September 11, 2001 – A fourth passenger airliner has crashed into the White House probably killing President George W. Bush and an as yet unknown number of staff and visitors there.

Flight 93, originally flying over the Midwest to San Francisco, veered back east, crashing intentionally into the center of the White House. All on board are assumed dead.

Witnesses say they saw the plane veer down, taking a low altitude over central D.C., then crash directly into the Presidential building. A huge explosion rocked the structure moments later and now a thick flume of smoke rises from it.

A few survivors managed to get out of the East and West Wings relatively unharmed, but badly shaken. The President, who was to have gone on a trip to Texas, had to cancel at the last minute and is known to have been in the White House at the time of the horrific crash.

It is believed that a terrorist group is responsible for the attack and that it is most likely the same group is responsible for the crashes at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.”

To the astute security personnel left alive in the vicinity of the White House it was obvious that their head boss was dead. Security turned the situation over to the Secret Service, those who were left and still functional, to find their new leader and get him to safety.

The search began for Dick Cheney.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Justifiable Justice – Making the Punishment Ergonomic with the Crime


Punishments for crime have become rote in our modern society.

A person can murder any number of people and still be allowed to live his life out even though he is less that worthless to the society which allows him to survive.

Monsters on the international level can create atrocities for which they are not condemned.

Irresponsible pundits appear on the world stage who wreck havoc with in their own lands and yet are able to convince their fellow citizens that they are heroes. Read the full story

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4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick


Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources.

Hard numbers from a recent survey revealed that most Republicans still support Dick Cheney as Vice-President, while Barack Obama’s poll numbers have apparently gone flaccid.

In fact, Cheney’s approval numbers continue to remain rock solid despite a spat of spectacular sex scandals that rocked the GOP a decade ago. Nostalgia surrounds Republican Senator Larry Craig’s 2007 arrest in a men’s airport bathroom.

While potentially incriminating on the surface, the Idaho Senator offered a turgid alibi for his behavior, which apparently wasn’t fear of flying.

For those who have slept since then, Craig denied that tapping his right foot, blocking the stall door with his luggage and grabbing the undercover officer’s leg was a signal to engage in lewd behavior.

Craig suggested that he was merely asking for “toilet paper”.

Later providing the arresting officer with a business card that identified him as a senator, Craig does admit that telling the officer, “Excuse me while I whip this out,” may have been a little too suggestive in a men’s room setting. But he refused to apologize for expressing his fondness for Dick.

“Dick made me what I am today,” he allegedly said just before being arrested.

Senator Craig’s encounter was only one in a daisy-chain of events placing prominent Republicans in the dim spot-light of public toilets.

Also in 2007 Florida Republican Bob Allen, a champion of anti-gay legislation and notorious Dick lover, was accused of offering sex to a black, undercover officer in a park restroom because he didn’t “trust him”.

To his credit, at least he didn’t try and shoot him. As if that excuse and $20 isn’t bizarre enough, Allen also sponsored a bill to crack down on soliciting sex in public parks.

If you read between the lines, it’s apparent that Allen is an advocate of just giving it away, rendering the need to solicit a moot point. As for the $20, that apparently was for “stimulating the local economy”.

OK, most people use “Johnson” instead of “local economy” as a euphemism but we can’t really criticize him for that.

When you add other prominent Republicans like Representative Mark Foley and evangelical Ted Haggard to the strange brew of fallen, staunchly anti-gay politicians, you discover the one thing they all have in common: they all like Dick.

Sure, Cheney probably appreciates the support and a variation on the old “I Like Ike” buttons might garner special interest attention. But without the comic genius of Karl Rove, it’s going to be tough to parlay the virtual transformation of the GOP into the “Gay Old Party”.

Only Rove could exploit the biggest piece of political parody since Dave Chappelle portrayed a blind Klan leader who didn’t know he was black.

Of course, some Democrats have demonstrated willingness to reach around…I mean across the aisle and meet the GOP halfway on many issues, especially when it comes to Dick. Dick Cheney has the heart of a Hoover Vacuum cleaner and brings people from many diverse backgrounds together to pound out the tough issues.

For instance, in 2010 Democrat New York Congressman Eric Massa abruptly resigned after only 14 months on the job amid allegations that he sexually harassed an underpaid staff member at a house Massa shared with four other staffers. Using the excuse it was simply a “tickle fight” the embattled Democrat found it unpopular at the time to admit his love of Dick.

Placed in this context, it is absolutely amazing the GOP has survived intact and re-taken both Houses while maintaining the illusion of moral authority. As long as Ted Cruz doesn’t get a Boehner around Rand Paul, it’s likely they’ll continue to hold the high ground on the down low.

“There are only two ways to fix this satirical situation,” snickered, Bill Clinton’s former political strategist James Carville. “Hand jobs to your critics and keep the jerks off the news.”

Clinton himself could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly, “Reorganizing his collection of chubby-chaser jokes from the mid 90’s.” Meanwhile even Hillary reluctantly admitted, “I like Dick ever now and then!”

Most would have sworn she was partial to Bush.

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Certain ‘Forces’ Send In THE CHENEY To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.


Eager to take over the U.S. government as swiftly as possible after winning major seats in the Senate and Legislature, ‘certain forces’ within our system have called on a specialist to rid the organization of its ‘lame duck’ elements.

Operating in secrecy, these individuals called in their ace in the sleeve for when things need to get messy- THE CHENEY. Read the full story

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Wolfe Wrong, You Can Go Home Again, and It’s Probably Time


According to the title of the Thomas Wolfe novel, you can’t go home again.

But it looks like Lebron James is going to prove that saying wrong as he happily returns to the site of his first professional basketball success: Cleveland, Ohio.

More importantly, Mr. James has apparently inspired others to follow suit:

George W. Bush

Against all odds, it looks like America’s 43rd president is going to move back to Washington, D. C.

“Frankly, I didn’t think I’d ever want to go back to that godawful city,” said Mr. Bush.

“But Lebron has showed me the error of my ways. If the folks of Cleveland can forgive him and welcome him back with open arms, surely the good citizens of Washington will cheer my return.”

However, it looks as if Mr. Bush’s plans for a triumphant return have been put on hold by the Secret Service who have some minor concerns for their former boss’s safety.

Hillary Clinton

The former first lady made The White House her home for eight years but she hasn’t lived there for almost the last fourteen.

Despite that long absence and some not-so-pleasant memories, it looks like she’s decided to move back in.

“I can’t say that it doesn’t pain me to think about my husband’s infidelities in The Oval Office,” said Mrs. Clinton. “But I figure the best way to deal with those memories is to make new memories of my own.”

Mrs. Clinton is planning on a January 20, 2017 return although there are a number of Republicans and even a few Democrats who may have a say in the matter.

Dick Cheney

Mr. Cheney has surprised everyone with his recent decision to pay a return visit to Baghdad.

The former vice president is hoping for the same combination of forgiveness and joy that Lebron James is seeking in Cleveland.

“I always said that we’d be greeted as liberators,” said Mr. Cheney. “And I figure it’s time to finally prove my point.”

Unfortunately, due to the constant outbreak of fighting between various factions throughout Iraq, Cheney’s triumphant return visit to Baghdad will have to be postponed until shortly after hell freezes over.

Barack Obama

America’s current president is well into his second term and is experiencing symptoms commonly afflicting handicapped waterfowl.

Although he is obliged to serve out the remainder of his term, it appears that he would much prefer to be going home which in this case is the city of Chicago.

“Frankly, I don’t think I’m very useful in Washington,” said Mr. Obama. “Except possibly to make Tea Party Republicans see red. So if nobody really minds too much, I’d like to get back to Chicago.”

Even with the recent raft of shootings in the Windy City, the president figures he’ll still be safer living there than in Washington.

Sarah Palin

The half-term Alaska governor and unsuccessful vice presidential candidate is often mentioned as a possible Republican presidential contender for the 2016 election. Although Ms. Palin never explicitly disavows that possibility, there always seems to be some reluctance to run on her part.

“Honestly, I’m not sure I want to keep up this political life,” said Palin. “And now that Lebron has shown me the way, I think I’d just rather head back home to Alaska.” That may not be as easy as it sounds, however, as it looks like Alaska may not want her back.

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GOP Has Perfected Bush/Cheney Clone to Take Over 2016 Election


Republican geneticists have succeeded in their long term project to clone George W. Bush and Dick Cheney into a composite entity to enter into the 2016 Presidential elections.

This modern Frankenstein, born in a petrie dish and reared in secret, has been specially educated and trained to be an unswerving right wing pundit.

It has been modified genetically so that it develops to physical maturity in just a few years. The creature will never reached mental maturity, but that is nothing that the Republicans are not used to. Read the full story

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Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of Future Ann Coulter Books


Ann Coulter, that famous extreme right wing author and the wicked witch of the North East That Baum didn’t write so much about in his Oz books is forever coming out with new literary tirades against those who, unlike herself, are not raised in families where you are constantly batted over the head with conservative ideals.

She believes that everyone should be like herself: demeaning, mean spirited, acid blooded, pale and fascist. Her main claim to fortune is the ability to every year or so come out with another book warning the world of how there are liberals around much like bedbugs in your mattress out to suck every drop of blood in your veins until you are a withered, dried up corpse, much like Ms. Coulter herself. Read the full story

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Fifteen Things That Turned Obama’s Hair Grey


There are many factors within the fray,
that have turned our Presidents hair to grey.
Pundits, done-thats and patriots galore
seek to sabotage him evermore…

These are the things that have turned our fearless leader’s head from black to grey in only five short years:

15 – Having Military Generals whisper to him that ‘they would do a Kennedy’ on him if he so much as tried to close Guantanamo Bay. Read the full story

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