Tag Archive | "depression"

Scientists Discover Modern World “May Be Bad For You”


A recent scientific discovery claims that modern conveniences are having negative side-effects on the mental and bodily health of many first-world inhabitants.

Scientists from around the globe report today that modern conveniences, such as the luxury of remaining stationary and sitting on your ass at home; sitting on your ass at work; sitting on your ass at a bar, a restaurant, at school, or at game; taking a break from being stationary and sitting on your ass in a motor vehicle; or sitting on your ass while defecating may all actually have many potential negative consequences—with the most common cases resulting in obesity or depression due to a lack of stimulation. Read the full story

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Stupid Non-Depressed Roommate Walking Around, Doing Stuff


SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Area man and local depressive Adam Holt reported that his “stupid roommate is just, like, walking around… doing stuff.”

“How can he do that?” wondered Holt.

Holt took advantage of his ideal observation point on the living room sofa, where he had been watching a Three’s Company marathon at an inaudibly low volume for “about six hours.” Read the full story

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If Your Girl Feels Down, Make Her Feel Important (comic)


Come on guys, we’ve all been there. Your girl is feeling down, you want to be supportive and encouraging, but sometimes your animalistic male nature takes over and you just have to be yourself for a minute.

We all get down sometimes, but when your girl gets down, that doesn’t mean she wants to “get down” with you to make it all better. Sure, it cures almost all ails that woe us dudes, but chicks are tricky, and well they should be, they’re totally worth it. Read the full story

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US suicide rate jumps; unemployment rate falls


The suicide rate among middle-aged Americans was much higher in the previous two months than the government first estimated. The suicides reduced the unemployment rate from 7.6 percent to a four-year low of 7.5 percent.

The report from the United States Department of Labor was a reassuring sign that the U.S. job market is improving despite government budget cuts, ill-timed tax increases, and suicide prevention efforts.

“This is a good report,” explained Wells Fargo chief economist John Silvia. “There’s a lot of emotional trauma… It’s good for the economy. It’s good for people’s income.” Read the full story

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Report: Man Fails to Give Damn


OCEAN CITY – Family, relatives, and friends are in mourning after a man announced he does not give a damn about life, the universe, or anything.

Morgan Carlyle, 46, made the announcement as he left his job at Burger Blast on Saturday, and has since been cooped up in his apartment by city hall, where he is attempting to avoid speaking to the press.

Recorded audio of the fateful moment reveals Carlyle’s blunt message to the country. “The simple reality is, I just don’t give a damn anymore. Nothing is going to change that — not even ecstasy.” Read the full story

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Pick a Peck of Pilgrim Pepper


Supermarket chains across the United States have agreed to forgo advertising depicting happy families gathered together in celebration and good cheer this holiday season.

Although researchers insist an increase in suicide attempts during the holidays has proved largely a myth, the unusually altruistic business decision was reached during the Thanksgiving holidays after HELP! hotlines reported a sharp spike in calls by persons emotionally distressed following a television ad depicting the tribulations of a paired Pilgrim salt and pepper shaker set tossed about by the type of joyful family only Norman Rockwell could love. Read the full story

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Angsty Northern Indiana ‘Wishes It Could Be As Pretty As The South’


FORT WAYNE, IN – In an apparent emotional outburst Saturday, the angsty northern half of Indiana lamented that it “was no way near as pretty as The South.”

Assessing its many unsightly industrial towns, The North admitted it was jealous of places such as French Lick and West Baden Springs, insisting that it would “never in a million years be able to look as opulent and grand.” Read the full story

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Divorcing a Person Suffering From Depression — My Personal Views on This Subject


My advice to a woman who is about to divorce her husband who is suffering from depression.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Here I am quoting the very famous, beautiful, wealthy, upper-middle-class Virginia Woolf, whose husband was probably walking in your shoes at the time.

“Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of these terrible times again, and I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices and can’t concentrate. So I’m doing what seems to be the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I know that I’m spoiling your life and without me you could work, and you will, I know. You see, I can’t even write this properly. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me. And incredibly good. Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”

And another few lines, this time from one of the most famous psychologists in the history of the West: Carl Jung. “The root problem to all human suffering in this world is our unwillingness to face the necessary amount of pain in order for us to grow.”

I am a firm believer in this quote.

There is the truth that I always like to see the potential in everyone, even in the Black and Latino kids I taught for many years, most of whom, statistically, can’t make it into college. And even amongst despaired, depressed, delusional people, I see potential. I believe that this is our difference, and we have to draw a clear line here.

Since you do not want him as your husband anymore, therefore his problem should not be your problem anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Then why are you still in so much pain?

There is a book called “The Beautiful Mind.” An young MIT woman fell in love and married a genius professor, John Nash, believing that he will bring her everything she ever desired. Years later, Nash turned out to be crazy. She divorced him in disillusionment and out-of-anger. However, later when she found out that Nash had nowhere to go and ended up on the streets without a penny, she had pity on him.

Without remarrying someone else, she opened her front door to let him into the house again and helped in treating his mental disorder. She worked hard to support the whole family and take care of this bum, who could not hold a paying job, for almost 40 years.

I won’t spoil the plot and the ending for you. Go read it on your own (or watch the Hollywood Version).

My father once wrote down something that I later discovered in his notebook, during a time when he was battling for his failing marriage with my mother: “If I can’t charge up this hill and back into her heart again, then this is the hill that I will die on.”

My parents could not be happier living and sharing their lives together nowadays after almost a decade of fighting, arguing, and under the constant reminder that there is a easier way out of this whole mess — divorce.

People are different. We all have different values while coming from different family backgrounds. And I must admit we all have to respect each others’ differences and boundaries. Coming from a stable and loving family, surrounded by unbroken promises of imperfect marriages of all of her friends, and living in such a conservative and collective society such as China, my wife does not even know the definition of the word “Divorce.”

That’s our marriage surviving! And I am grateful for this Chinese, conservative wife, who faithfully followed me through some of the worst years of my life. And I am indebted to the Chinese conservative culture where the divorce rate is so low compared to that of the West. And my wife and my marriage could not be better these days.

And I am trying to repay her for how much emotional debt I owe her for the rest of my life with heart-felt, honest gratitude of this undeserved kindness from her unconditional love for me. I am grateful for her, for not leaving me, every morning that I wake up beside her on the same bed.

I am not judging you. However, you want to hear my opinion, since there does exist an obvious parallelism here.

Here it is, fully told…

Sincerely,

Charles L. Wang.

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Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank me – Conclusion


Previously, I shared several brilliant ways we can pay down the nation’s debt. But I was just getting started. I saved my best ideas for last.

Mount Rushmore: $8.2 billion. Comes with lifelike sculptures of three of our greatest presidents (plus Theodore Roosevelt). There’s even room for one more face. What better way to show your father you love him next Father’s Day than by carving his likeness right next to Honest Abe’s.

For just $3 billion more, you can even replace Thomas Jefferson with your own likeness (this offer not available to recently dethroned African or Middle Eastern Dictators). Read the full story

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Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank Me


Here’s a number that might scare you: $14,132,959,955,340. That’s 14 trillion dollars, give or take a few hundred billion. That’s the current estimate of our national debt according to the OMB (Office of Management and Budget). Here’s a slightly smaller but equally frightening number: $1 million. Read the full story

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Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries


ATHENS, GREECE – As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country’s potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression. Read the full story

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Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess


President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up. 

WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to dig America out of the incredibly deep sh*thole it was left in by the Bush administration. Read the full story

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ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy


COLUMBUS, OH – As plastic and electronic methods continue to replace cash as consumers’ preferred means of payment, fears about the long-term impact of this trend are running high among a key segment of the nation’s banking workforce, specifically its network of increasingly obsolete automated teller machines (ATMs). Read the full story

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Milwaukee Man Loses His Beer, Will to Live


Spotted on the snow-dusted roof of his modest ranch style home, Otto Franks, south side Milwaukee auto mechanic and reportedly stable and friendly man by all neighbor accounts, had threatened to jump to his death after forgetting the location of a freshly opened beer.

Police were eventually able to talk the man down, but only after offering him a Stella Artois and guaranteeing the bottle temperature to be a crisp 34 degrees Fahrenheit. Read the full story

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Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole


Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice driver, but I realized I just have low self esteem,” said Franklin, laying down on the hood of his car. “Whenever I let people go, I always assume that their destination is way more important than mine.” Read the full story

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Darkness Therapy May Increase Depression in World’s Happiest Country


DENMARK (Glossynews.com International) –A new study currently underway in Denmark could prove that prolonged exposure to darkness may improve symptoms of merriment and cheer in people who are “entirely too happy.”

While the evidence is inconclusive, researchers say that the study is promising for therapists who are losing dozens of potential patients to the inherent joy and positive nature of the Danish people. Read the full story

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