Tag Archive | "deficit"

Tea Party Representatives to Support Work and Education Centers for Poor


The debate over entitlement, drug testing of children who receive food stamps and student loans took surprising turn on the House floor.

Representative Ted Cruz (R-TX) said, “We were debating the issue of drug testing when somebody said, ‘What would it take to round them up and make them work?’ We had a good chuckle, but someone else said, “No really. Read the full story

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Fiscal Cliff Progress: Obama, Boehner Agree 16,375,434,000,001 “a Real Number”


As President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner continue “fiscal cliff” negotiations, preliminary reports say that despite the inability of the human brain to conceptualize 16 trillion units of anything, both men have agreed to pretend that’s how much debt the U.S. has incurred.

The news comes as a relief to many Americans who have been worrying that division along party lines is preventing any real resolution to the country’s economic woes. Read the full story

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Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank me – Conclusion


Previously, I shared several brilliant ways we can pay down the nation’s debt. But I was just getting started. I saved my best ideas for last.

Mount Rushmore: $8.2 billion. Comes with lifelike sculptures of three of our greatest presidents (plus Theodore Roosevelt). There’s even room for one more face. What better way to show your father you love him next Father’s Day than by carving his likeness right next to Honest Abe’s.

For just $3 billion more, you can even replace Thomas Jefferson with your own likeness (this offer not available to recently dethroned African or Middle Eastern Dictators). Read the full story

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Nation’s Debt Crisis Solved – No Need to Thank Me


Here’s a number that might scare you: $14,132,959,955,340. That’s 14 trillion dollars, give or take a few hundred billion. That’s the current estimate of our national debt according to the OMB (Office of Management and Budget). Here’s a slightly smaller but equally frightening number: $1 million. Read the full story

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Tea Party’s Bold Plans to Eliminate the Debt Completely by December 17th


Last summer, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default.

People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

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Is GlossyNews Editor Brian K. White Secretly a Moderate?


An ultra-conservative friend of mine recently wrote to me saying that he’s read my stories, but secretly suspects that I might not be as left-leaning as I come across in some of those articles. To him, I said “you’re probably right,” and wrote this open letter in response.

And for those of you scoring along at home, I’ve included copious amounts of links and citations. Feel free to check my work.

Is Editor Brian K. White Secretely a Moderate?

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Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn


New York, NY– On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s initial inception of the Invisible Hand. Ever since Smith coined the term in his work The Theory of Moral Sentiments, economic policy makers have captured the Invisible Hand and subject it to what is known in the meteorological field as “the shadow test.”

Al Roker explains “The [shadow] test is one of the most hallowed scientific institutions of all time. Groundhogs prove to be the most useful in meteorology, but a wide array of shadows can be used to determine a number of different unforeseen outcomes. Unfortunately for Wall Street, the Invisible Hand has seen its shadow quite regularly for the past decade.”

It has been reported that the primary reason for Austan Goolsbee’s inability to properly ascertain rises and falls in the economy, ultimately leading to his resignation, was in most part due to his disbelief in this sacred practice.

“Austan’s a smart guy, but there are some things that just work,” explains Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning Professor of Economics at Princeton University.

“The shadow test lets us build a road map for the year to come. Without it, we would all be pretty much shooting in the dark. How in the hell are we supposed to know what people are going to do with their money? Just the other day I bought a Kindle when I already had a Nook, who does that?”

Economic policy makers in the White House have already been hard at work to limit the effects forecast by the Invisible Hand, but has met stern opposition from Tea Party members. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) has been one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics. Ryan asserts that “Obama can’t possibly think he’s powerful enough to take on the Invisible Hand of Economics. I mean, it has built and destroyed empires. The Invisible Hand will always prevail against socialist tyrants, all hail the Invisible Hand.”

Despite the ominous warnings issued by the 18th century metaphor, Americans seem to be optimistic. A recent Gallup Poll showed that only 3 percent of Americans believed that they believed the hand’s predictions to be true while the other 97 percent responded “invisible what? Is it like a stranger?”

So far, reports have not been confirmed that another shadow test will be administered any time soon. Krugman continued, “This is science, you can’t just try it over again to see if you get different results. That’s not how reproducible observation works. That would be like using a Magic 8 Ball.”

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Republicans Claim Inheritance Tax Owed on Deficit Inherited from Bush


Republicans continue to assure the wealthiest Americans that no new taxes will be levied against them. However, with the Tea Party breathing down their necks and threatening to withhold votes if something isn’t done to get the budget under control, top Republican strategists have come up with a plan they believe will take on the appearance of bringing in some much-needed revenue. Read the full story

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Caddy Breaks Silence on Obama-Boehner Debt Ceiling Golf Match


Breaking now to The Daily Trough: a caddy in the important Obama-Boehner June golf meeting at Andrews AFB has come forward with information on the current impasse between both leaders.

This caddy strongly resembles Paul Krugman but said this appearance is entirely coincidental. “No,” he said. “My name is Joe. Joe Steigwitz.” Read the full story

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Federal Workforce May Have Topped 3-Million, or Maybe Not


Washington DC – GlossyNews.com – According to the most recent government data available, Uncle Sam’s civilian workforce may have topped 3 million as of March 1, 2010, says spokeswoman Audrey Slaberman.

“This is a truly remarkable achievement,” says Slaberman, “that over the course of the worst economic downturn in eighty years the federal bureaucracy continued to put on fat just as it did in the previous upturn. Presidents come and go all claiming they will slenderize this insatiable beast but it just grows and grows.” Read the full story

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Tax Refunds Revealed as Giant Ponzi Scheme


Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Investigators have uncovered a multi-trillion dollar financial fraud so massive and widespread it has victimized nearly every household in America for decades.

According to investigators the so-called “Tax Refund Pyramid” employs many of the same techniques as other financial frauds, but on a much larger scale.

“On one level, this monumental scheme simply gives people back some of the money it already collected from them,” said one investigator. “But the parent organization’s finances are so shaky it has to resort to heavy borrowing and even print its own money just to do that.” Read the full story

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New York Governor Plans to Make You Pay to Poop


New York, NY 10017 (GlossyNews) — At a press this morning, Governor David Paterson unveiled a drastic overhaul to the operation of New York public restrooms meant to reign in spending and generate new revenue for the debt ridden state.

“I’ve pretty much cut every nickle from every aspect of government, so now it’s time to get really creative,”  Read the full story

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Debating Progressives


Question: With the CRU files leak, do you still believe the climate science is not settled?

Response: You (expletive deleted) son of a (expletive deleted). Did you learn that from Glenn Beck? That (expletive deleted). Anybody who can’t see the science is settled is a flat earther. Are you stupid? No, I don’t have any facts to back up my argument. However, I do have a copy of the IPCC report that I use as a door stop and I watched Al Gore win the Oscar. Read the full story

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