Tag Archive | "Conservative"

Ultrasound Shows Chelsea Clinton’s Unborn Child is a Conservative


(Great Falls, VA.) – To the horror of the entire Clinton clan, ultrasound results have proven that Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with a conservative child.

The family was overjoyed at the initial news of the pregnancy but, upon learning of the test results, have gone into a time of mourning over its political affiliation.

Mrs. Clinton was shocked when their nurse informed them of the news. “I’m speechless and don’t know what I’m going to do! How could this happen to me? Why have I been cursed?” Read the full story

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Wild Animals of America Party accuses Republicans of thinking too much


Dateline: WASHINGTON—The Wild Animals of America Party began as an offshoot of the GOP, railing against big government for interfering with the divinely ordained inequalities in nature.

“Let the natural struggle in the marketplace sort everything out,” said WAA’s founder Mark Savage. “Government’s top-down regulations are bound to be detached from reality and to make matters worse. We should let nature take its course since government can’t do anything right.” Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies


Conservatives around the nation are rejoicing at news that former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has be awarded a Doctorate of Philosophy in General Studies by Pensacola Christian College.

According to sources close to the governor, Palin began working on the program online soon after losing the 2008 presidential election alongside John McCain.

Due to her conservative credentials, Palin had about thirty percent of the 72 units required for the doctorate waved, giving her a head start in the program. Read the full story

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GlossyNews.com Is Under New Ownership


Effective as of midnight, GlossyNews.com is under new ownership. Editor Brian K. White has been relieved of his duties and a new editorial team will be shaping coverage from here out.

The sale had been in the works for some time. Media empire The Blaze Inc. is the purchaser, and while the sum paid is undisclosed, it is rumored to be in the four to five figure range. Read the full story

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Corpse Still Warm; Ryan 2016 Campaign Underway


GlossyNews.com – Paul Ryan, never one to let an opportunity to flex for a camera or let an opportunity to advance his career pass him by, has been doing more than campaigning for Romney… he’s been campaigning for himself; for 2016.

Paul Ryan is well known for running Marathon races in hours less than he actually did, having body fat much lower than he actually does, and furrowing his brow right up to his Eddy Munster widow’s peak like few others could. Read the full story

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Beware of the Partisanship Disease!


Partisanship is not a figurative expression, but quite real. It is, in fact, an actual chronic disease. If you know someone who has come down with the conservative or liberal version of this infection, take heart: there is a cure!

People who have trouble telling the difference between female law students and prostitutes don’t have to suffer any longer. Nor do people who have the compulsion to pitch tents in front of banks thinking they’re “occupying” them. Read the full story

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Onion Intern Fired for Suggesting Satire on Obama Actually be Directed at Obama


CHICAGO–An intern for The Onion, a popular satirical newspaper based right here in the Windy City, was fired last week for violating the cardinal rule of media (yes, even satirical media).

Apparently, the young “reporter” submitted an idea to his editor to actually satirize President Obama. And no, he wasn’t kidding.

“Seriously?!” exclaimed the unbelieving editor. “Everyone (well at least I thought everyone) knows when we say bring us satire on Obama, that doesn’t mean satirize Obama! It means bring us something that merely uses Obama to make fun of the idiots on the other side.”

“But I thought we were supposed to be creating and defending the satire of politics, not the politics of satire?” replied the dimwitted intern quite dimwittedly.

“You see, there’s your problem: you thought. Oh, and by the way, you’re fired.”

It seems this is not the first time this particular moron has been told to ‘hit the bricks.’ His resume shows previously employment with The Daily Show for exactly one hour and before that, SNL, for much less.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets TubesComments (3)

9 Reasons Why Reagan is the Best Liberal President Ever


We hear a lot from the conservative right praising Reagan as if he was the very baby Jesus they so desperately wish to meet again. But the truth is that Reagan, by today’s standards at least, was a flaming liberal. He stood for everything our current Pinko-in-chief stands for, yet somehow he’s the good guy, while Obama is the devil. Read the full story

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GOP Debate Recap: Non-Candidates with Non-Answers (5 of 7)


DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Even if you haven’t been following our recent series, you may know that recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans masterfully debated in New Hampshire.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, even if playing buzzword bingo as a drinking game. For your convenience, Read the full story

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Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote


Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him.

On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’ That proverb is especially validated in 2011, a landscape vastly different from the previous presidential contest. Read the full story

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Debatable: Can the GOPTea Pull 2012 Out from the Back Side? (2 of 7)


DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy As you know, seven TeaPublicans debated in New Hampshire. While the debate was held in that state, there was no intent by any participant to play to that state — rather the play was pushed to Iowa and the rest of “Real America”.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit still, even with 3 beer breaks. So here’s a shorter distillation of what each person said relative to questions that were asked, even Read the full story

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Three Things against Conservative Christianity


I personally think being a moderate in anything is the best way to live, especially being a moderate in your worldviews. Some of the teachings of Conservative Christianity just cannot measure up against cold and cruel reality of the world. These are a few examples.

(1. Prayer)
I don’t believe a God, like how the Christian Conservative churches teach, is a Universal Vending Machine to our personal prayers and that our prayers are magical somehow as Christians when prayed with enough faith of a “mustard seed” that can move mountains. Read the full story

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What if every Christian lived in a perfect Christian world?


To begin with, it would be nice initially because there would be no crime, no jealousy, hate, anger, poverty, starvation that you see all around the world… But then, each day would be just like the last — perfect.

This may sound like paradise to Christians, but it sounds very bland to me. With no challenges would I grow and develop as a person? If never faced with a problem to overcome, I know I would become complacent, even bored. Read the full story

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Liberal Becomes Violently Ill While Going Undercover at Patriot Gathering


Springfield, Mo (GlossyNews) -– The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall retching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Caught in Cat Fight Over California Senate Seat


Hall of Facebook – Palin’s Facebook page took over 2000 angry hits after a post she wrote stated that she strongly endorsed Carly Fiorina to challenge Barbara Boxer for her Senate seat in November.

The Facebook entry started out “Carly, Carly, she’s our (Wo)man, if she can’t do it, no one can,” and then went on to describe how Fiorina is uncannily almost exactly like Palin, except for the fact that she has an MBA from the Robert H. Smith School of Business, as well as a Master of Science degree from MIT. Palin, however, was quick to point out that just like herself, Fiorina did drop out of one university, the UCLA School of Law. Read the full story

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Real Republicans Angry Over Obama’s Gay Rights Initiative


Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) — “Beautiful on the Outside Couple,” Kaitlin Greely and Jonas Applebee, are all over Facebook, Twitter and cell phone networks these days. They are trying to let as many people as possible know they are furious over Obama’s latest move toward gay rights in the US that grants hospital visitation rights to gay couples.

In a recent interview with the couple, Applebee, who looks like he stepped off an Abercrombie and Fitch magazine cover, Read the full story

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