CHICAGOLAND, Illinois
(GlossyNews) –

The horror! The horror!

This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.

The horror! The horror! Read the full story

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Delores Delgado, Under Assistant Secretary for the Obvious today held a joint news conference with NIH director Dr. Gary Carey, to announce results of a five year research project many found alarming and disturbing.

Per the $180 Million study, it appears that people don’t enjoy being without jobs, and are highly pissed about it, Read the full story

Chicago, IL – For the third time in as many days, Chicago Police Department forensic analyst Ted Hatcher confessed to being unable to magically extract high definition pictures from damaged, out-of-focus, and low resolution images.   Hatcher’s failure was met with disbelief and disappointment by police detectives and crime scene investigators standing around him in his unreasonably dark forensics lab. Read the full story

What is left of the city of Detroit was dismantled and shipped to Illinois this week. The Motor City, long beset by declines in the automotive industry and general economy, has given up the ghost as a separate city entity and will be rebuilt as a new suburb of Chicago called ‘Floyd’. The once proud Midwestern City that saw its heyday as the center of American automotive might has long languished from the onslaught of foreign cars that are smaller, more compact and reasonably priced, much like the foreigners themselves.

The whole endeavor is a slap in the face to the remaining Detroitonians. Read the full story