Tag Archive | "cats"

Welcome to CatMatch.com

Exciting news from Match.com, the world’s largest online match-making service. Since our launch in 1995, our goal has been to help men and women find their perfect someone.

To date we have found matches for several million people – and successful matches for over 50 of them.

But why should humans be the only ones supported in finding their soulmates? That’s why we are proud to announce our newest service: CatMatch.com, the first online matchmaking service for cats. No longer will your favorite feline need to prowl the alley for a suitable mate. Read the full story


Posted in Entertainment, Human InterestComments (1)

Study: Indoor Cats Also Present Owners w/ Gifts (comic)

Indoor/outdoor cats are famous for bringing back trophies to their owners. Maybe it’s a dead bird, a half-eaten squirrel, or just a random noun from the yard, like bark or a tattered bit of tennis ball.

A recent study has found that even cats living exclusively indoors can present prizes to their owners, but much like the assorted trash or carcii the outdoor tabbies deliver, it’s also far from welcome. Read the full story


Posted in ComicsComments (0)

Artist Refuses to Admit Art is Terrible (comic)

Okay, you guys have given me enough grief. No, these creatures don’t look like cats, but come on, I have no background in art. I’m the humor guy… oh, I’m not funny either? Well bummer for me.

Even the cats themselves can admit when they’re not as pretty as they should be. Take some comfort in that, because it’s a tacit de-facto admission of my lack of skillz. You win, interwebz. You win. Read the full story


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Specialty Cats Bred Exclusively to be Creepy (comic)

If you’ve ever dated a girl with a cat, it’s likely you know how creepy and personal they can be all up in your business. If you’ve ever dated a woman with six cats, it’s likely you were doing charity work, and that you were the first woman in ten years she’d make it to second base with.

Cats are funny, fickle creatures. They know how to get in your head and they know how to creep you out. Sometimes it’s by jamming the kitty-star in your mouth while you’re watching TV. Sometimes it’s by watching you while you pee, shower, check them for ticks, or masturbate. Yes, they watch you, and with great intent. Read the full story


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Cat-Rehab Clinics Sprouting Up Around the Nation (comic)

Addiction is no laughing matter. I tried to get high with my cat the other day, but the Nip we bought was apparently bunk, since it did nothing but give me a bit of a headache. Then I look over, and he’s saaaaailing. Guess it half-worked.

But what happens when Snuggums takes one hit too many? What happens when he goes from adorable, goofy furball rolling on the carpet, to evil, addicted killing machine? Read the full story


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Dog Likes Cat, Promptly Shamed (comic)

I once had a cat. I was too little to remember it. I had siblings though, and we fought like cats and/or dogs and/or cats & dogs. Normally it was fine, but sometimes it was… well let’s just say it was interesting.

But what would actually happen if a dog admitted to liking a cat. Sure, we’ve all seen the critters cuddling up on Reddit, but surely they have to be sedated to be so friendly. I know that’s what it takes to get me to cuddle, and while I’m catty, I’m also a dog. Read the full story


Posted in ComicsComments (0)

Scientific Study Proves Cats Have No Sense of Humor (comic)

Sometimes you make a joke and it’s almost like your dog is right there with you. He doesn’t know what you said, but he’s in the moment. He gets it… the same can be said of cats precisely zero times ever in the history of the earth.

Sorry cats, but scientifically, you just you just don’t have a funny bone. This comic explains what cats actually do find funny, and how they explain it to one another. Read the full story


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Feline Study Finds Lasers Effective for Hair Removal (comic)

Cats around the world love one thing, and that’s hating that elusive red dot that sometimes appears on the carpet, the drapes, and the crotch of a soon to be ex-friend.

Cat’s aren’t crazy, they know this is just an ephemeral thing. But they are dumb, so they chase it with every ounce of their being… and when it lands on their own fur… well, they do what anyone would do. Read the full story


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Happy 4th of July, Especially if you’re a cat (comic)

‘Tis the time of year again, when children squeal with delight, parents take them to the emergency room, and medics of every stripe earn overtime pay.

But you know who really loves the fourth of July? If you said used car salesman and blowout mattress dealers, you’d be right, but only half right, because the real winner on Independence Day (not Will Smith, though I guess him too,) is cats. Read the full story


Posted in ComicsComments (0)

Editorial: An important message from your cat

[This week, Glossy News is pleased to introduce Tuxedo, a 23-pound spokescat who has requested to provide this op-ed piece, representing the views of household cats everywhere.]

Hey, owner. This is your cat. There appears to be a little confusion as to just exactly who’s in charge here. I know, I know. You pay the electric bill, pay the insurance (whatever that is), and you buy all the food. That does not make you king of my castle. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go over the ground rules one more time if I’m going to allow you to stay here. Read the full story


Posted in Human Interest, Opinion/EditorialComments (1)

Facebook Man Skips Attractive Woman’s Cat Pictures

INDIANAPOLIS – Drawn to an alluring profile picture of an attractive work acquaintance named Danielle, Indianapolis man Mark Vasey subconsciously skipped past all of the 24-year-old’s cat pictures Saturday.

Initially clicking on her latest profile picture, which shows the young marketing consultant lounging by a swimming pool in nothing but a skimpy bikini, Vasey was relatively disappointed to discover that the next three images were exclusively of her cat, Charlie. Read the full story


Posted in Strange PeopleComments (3)

Cat Subconsciously Putting Own Sensibilities Onto Humans

INDIANAPOLIS – Having carried out little research into the species in question, 2-year-old Indianapolis cat, Mickey, continues to subconsciously put his own sensibilities onto humans – specifically his 29-year-old owner Matt.

Incorrectly determining that his overlord probably enjoys the sight of an expensive photo frame or delicate candle holder falling from the the top of the living room cabinet, the Russian Blue feline tested this theory Wednesday, prompting only a bitter response from the bipedal creature also known as “daddy”. Read the full story


Posted in Society, Strange PeopleComments (2)

Curiosity Kills Monkey, Not Just Cats


Posted in Making HeadlinesComments (0)

Local Cat Blames Indoor Lifestyle for Catnip Addiction

BURLINGTON, VT—Yesterday, neighborhood cat, Nella Watson, revealed that she’s finally on the road to recovery after a long battle with Catnip Abuse.

When asked what started her addiction to what’s colloquially referred to as “Nip” in the Feline community, Nella claims that being held like a prisoner in her own home led her down the path of abuse and Nip addiction. Read the full story


Posted in SocietyComments (5)

Kudos to Writers for Not Acting Like Stupid Dodo Heads

The saying goes “There is more than one way to skin a cat.” No, this isn’t a funny story about a cat. I know, I know, for all you cat lovers out there, maybe there will be one soon, but for now, this is not where to look.

Conan O’Brien once said “During last night’s debate…Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.” It didn’t happen, of course. Edwards turned out to be even more heterosexual than we’d originally thought, Read the full story


Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Top StoriesComments (19)

Tomcat Registered as Hypnotherapist

While the age-old adage of “Even a cat can look at a King” might now be clichéd and threadbare the regulation of Nation Health Service medical staff – specifically qualified hypnotherapists – in the UK is so slipshod that even a cat can become accredited, according to a report in last weekend’s Daily Shitraker magazine supplement. Read the full story


Posted in HealthComments (0)

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