Tag Archive | "Breadsticks"

One Direction Alters Name in Honor of Extinct Restaurant Chain


New York City –

“Olive Garden you light up my tummy like nobody else,
The way your breadsticks are buttered gets me overwhelmed,
When I’m docile and out of pounds it ain’t hard to tell,
You don’t go,
Oh, oh,
You always know your baskets full”

These are lyrics from the band’s newest song “What Makes Your Baskets Full” as performed for the first time on Saturday Night Live this past weekend, honoring the beloved restaurant chain that featured never-ending breadstick baskets that once came complimentary with the purchase of any entree or as part of the soup and salad lunch option.

Following the appetizingly delicious performance, the band announced they will now be known as Bun Direction or BD for short, in honor of the creature that roamed the earth for more than 32 years before succumbing to extinction early last year.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Saturday Night Live’s creator, Lorne Michaels, from his New York City office he had customized to resemble an authentic Olive Garden restaurant. “I had been in touch with the band’s managers last year when the Olive Garden left our world and it was just a matter of timing as the band’s members loved putting the long and narrow items in their mouths more than anyone else,” Michaels added.

In addition to the updated number they plan on adding to their next album, Bake Me Home, expected to be released in March, Bun Direction has already been asked to perform at the Brit Awards on February 25th in their hometown of London (backyard for Niall James Horan who is from Ireland).

“Every time we sing this song, we can taste the smooth, buttery flavor on our lips,” the band said collectively in a recent interview with Alton Brown, creator and host of the Food Network show, Good Eats. “We hope this song, along with our new name, will ensure that the world will never forget,” the band added.

To download merchandise with the new logo and to download complete lyrics for “What Makes Your Baskets Full” please visit www.onedirectioninabun.com

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Posted in Entertainment, MusicComments (1)

NFL Introduces New Team Name: Matthew McConaughey Celebrates with a Footlong


Washington, D.C. – Ending a long debate over the controversial name of one of its teams, the National Football League announced this week that the Washington Redskins will now be known as the Washington Breadskins.

Originally established in 1932, the franchise has maintained the same mascot for more than 82 years.

However, a recent flurry of protests by the Oneida Indian Nation, most recently during a game on November 2nd when the Redskins played the Minnesota Vikings, helped expedite the change. Read the full story

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Posted in SportsComments (11)

Kim Jong-un: Bring Back Breadsticks Or Die


Washington, D.C. – Just when you thought the United States was safe again following the announcement that Sony Pictures had pulled the controversial movie, The Interview, from theatres, a new threat arrived from North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, early Friday morning.

In a short memo to President Obama, Kim Jong-un stated he was pleased the movie will not play in theatres, but was morbidly infuriated to learn that his favorite restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, is extinct and is no longer serving the fresh-baked breadsticks he enjoyed during his last visit. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, World NewsComments (3)

Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”


Minneapolis, Minnesota – Adrian Peterson has finally shed some light on the child abuse case brought against him last week that led to him being placed on the NFL’s exempt list.

“To be extremely blunt, I have always disciplined my kids by beating them with breadsticks,” Peterson said Wednesday afternoon at a news conference inside TCF Bank Stadium.

“Why do I choose breadsticks over a more lethal object? Because of their soft, buttery makeup, which is much gentler on the skin,” added Peterson before demonstrating his technique in front of the 200 people in attendance. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports ScandalsComments (3)

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering: Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America


Pyongyang, North Korea – Co-stars for the upcoming film, The Interview, James Franco and Seth Rogen find themselves boiling in a scalding cauldron of steamy garlic butter this week after their recent peace offering to North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, failed to compensate for the unfavorable plot in the film.

“Whenever you make a movie about killing a highly revered leader of another country, especially one that follows a Communist regime, there is going to be breadlash,” said International Film Analyst, Henry Sourdough. Read the full story

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War ZoneComments (2)

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?


Damascus, Iowa – A new line of products released by Pet Food Enterprises, Inc., that was intended to provide humor and admiration over the recent extinction of Olive Garden restaurants and the late breadsticks offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée, has completely backfired. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, Science & TechnologizzyComments (4)

Breadsticks Power Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Remake


New York City, New York – Heroes in a half shell, breadstick power! This is the updated catchphrase in the newest remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, scheduled to be released in the United States on August 8th.

The film will be the first released using 3B technology, which is very similar to 3D visual effects, except that it allows all breadsticks in the film to appear that they are being shared with the audience.

“This bread-breaking technology allows us to further promote breadstick awareness and will have audiences feeling like they are reaching into the basket every time one appears onscreen,” said the film’s Director, Jonathan Liebesman.

“There are already rumors abound of various theatres across the country changing their menus to include breadsticks as one of the film’s goals is to get audiences licking their lips, yearning for those soft, garlicky items.” Liebesman added, while adjusting the arm of a Donatello figurine to dip a breadstick in marinara sauce.

In this franchise reboot, New York City has been taken over by Shredder and his evil army with a diabolical plan to shred every last breadstick within city limits before moving to the world’s supply.

Everything is going according to plan, until four breadstick-craving brothers emerge from the toxic sewers beneath the city and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with one mission, to keep baskets filled and Shredder at bay.

With the help of a fearless reporter (April O’Neil) played by Megan Fox and the song “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” by Hall and Oates that gives the turtles special powers, their mission is full-stick ahead. However, the turtle clan soon realizes that Shredder has more than one bread knife in his kitchen.

Not knowing if they will lose the food they love or get tossed into a turtle soup or salad, they must do everything possible to clog Shredder’s blowhole with dough and breadify his evil army.

The film is expected to revitalize the franchise and includes other celebrity appearances from Johnny Knoxville, Will Arnett and Whoopi Goldberg.

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky PicturesComments (5)

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks


WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”.

“Breadsticks by their nature are humorous, just mention the word breadsticks and people laugh,” said Conference Chairperson Freeman Bradley Stix. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Internets TubesComments (16)

Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers


70 Million years ago in modern day Orlando, Florida – It is a warm, sunny afternoon during the Cretaceous Era as Breadsterastyx, a close relative of Triceratops, feasts on a large garden filled with ferns and wildflowers, while closely watching one of its offspring grazing peacefully.

Suddenly, from behind the trees comes a towering Tyrannosaurus Rex seeking a substantial meal to satisfy its insatiable hunger. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, ScienceComments (24)

Latest String of Shark Attacks Leaves Baskets Empty


Willow Grove, Pennsylvania – Wait-staff at the popular restaurant chain, Olive Garden, are suffering the aftermath from a recent string of Great White Shark attacks off the New Jersey coastline as more and more breadsticks, the complimentary item served to customers with the purchase of any entrée, have been the latest victims. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, SocietyComments (0)

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