Media release: Monaco, 0800hrs, Energy giant BP, (formerly British Petroleum) has announced an offer of support to the Japanese government overnight, pledging to fully rebuild the nation’s damaged nuclear reactors on undisclosed but “very favorable” terms.

Former CEO Tony Hayward, who was deposed after the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, has returned to the company in the newly created position of Chief Explortation Officer, bringing with him years of unrivaled disaster management expertise.

“Although nuclear technologies are not at the forefront of what we do, remember our name isn’t ‘British Petroleum’ any longer, but instead ‘Beyond Petroleum’, and nuclear energy is certainly that.

“In my years as the CEO of BP and owner of a racing yacht, I have compiled vast resources for dealing with any sort of natural disaster, or man-made ones like PR,” he explained.

“For instance, prior to last Spring, we hadn’t the foggiest idea of how to even think of fixing an oil spill, but we’ve learned a bit. It is the same proven adaptive management systems that I bring to the nation of Japan.”

Asked if his offer was prompted by past environmental guilt, Mr Hayward paused before dissembling, “British Petroleum is only looking towards the future.”

Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan, who currently oversees a combo platter of natural disasters, a shrinking economy and a record national debt of more than 200% of GDP, had no hesitation in welcoming the gesture from BP. “Not only do we, the Japanese people, accept Mr Hayward’s gracious offer, I personally look forward to working with him as soon as practicably possible.”

Mr Hayward indicated an emergency rapid-response team would be assembled to address the possibility of a full-scale meltdown “possibly by July or August.”

NOTE: This disaster is still unfolding, and the toll of dead, missing and injured is truly staggering. Please consider making a contribution, even a small one, to an organization like The Red Cross or UNICEF.

MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.

These include:

1. Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
2. Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.

Read the full story

CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe was uttered on June 17, but after seven days and several subsequent apologies for apologies, Barton’s comments continue to sour public opinion, further jeopardizing the Republican Party’s chances to capture additional seats in Congress this November. And today, fellow Republican Joe Scarborough dragged the incident right back into the limelight. Read the full story

WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that occupies most of northern Alaska adjacent to the oil wells in Prudhoe Bay, the Southern Petroleum Reserve will serve as an ongoing source of oil in the case of a national emergency. Read the full story

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Ever since President Obama and BP announced that BP is putting up an initial $20 billion to pay for any legitimate claims that are filed as a result of damages incurred as a direct or indirect result of the Horizon Gulf oil disaster, people have been wondering who will decide the fate of their claims.

Well, wait no longer. This morning, President Obama announced that he tapped one of the best minds in the legal business, Judge Judy, to take on the task of sorting through the myriad of claims being filed and determining what is and isn’t legitimate. Read the full story

NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) -– Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in his desk drawer and unleashing it on whoever is responsible for the oil spill. Read the full story

HOUSTON, Texas (GlossyNews) – 10,000 barrels of crude burning per day. In a move typical of the greed and gluttony of Big Oil, British Petroleum began to burn thousands of barrels of crude oil DAILY captured from the leak in the Gulf which they caused on Earth Day.

BP which caused one of the biggest man made ecological disasters in the history of the planet, in their rush to make billions of dollars, will solve that partially by burning 10,000 barrels of crude a DAY. Read the full story

Norfolk, VA (GlossyNews) — FUTURE NEWS – Legend has it that a country called the United States, once described as a modern day Atlantis, was just wrapping up an horrific incident where it killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people to steal their oil, when it choked to death on its own oil reserves that spewed uncontrollably from the ground.

In 2003, an aggressive War Lord with the mentality of a spoiled out of control alcoholic, who had little intelligence or sense of history, robbed the enormous coffers of the wealthiest country on Earth. He then used the spoils to overcompensate for his failure to find oil in his youth and appease his wealthy father. The War Lord paid honest young men, with other people’s money, to go to a foreign country thousands of miles away and burn women, children and even dogs and chickens to death with terrible chemicals and mutilating bombs. Read the full story

Acme Corporation is reporting a huge profit upswing this month. Acme is the chief supplier of underwater doo-dads for BP Corporation, the sponsors of what is now the largest oil spill ever. BP has been buying heavily from Acme in its attempts to up cap the renegade oil well.

Acme CEO Wile E. Coyote, interviewed by Fly By Night Business Magazine, has expressed his delight at his company’s good fortune.

“I use to be Acme’s biggest customer of products. Their inventory has always been amazing. They had everything imaginable: long and short fused explosives, rocket cars, anvils, guided missiles, bazookas, spring loaded shoes and a great variety of specialty booby traps. We intend on maintaining that great tradition.” Read the full story

Tee Toos Landing, LA (GlossyNews) — Coonass Marty Boudreaux, who spends the bulk of his spare time drinking Dixie beer and shooting anything that moves, is pretty darned angry these days. That’s because a giant oil slick is coming on shore and wiping out the animals before he can get at ‘em.

“I tol you wat,” says Boudreaux, “if der ain’t won ting dat gets to me from dis hole mess dat’s goin’ down out heyah, is dat all dem birds and shit dat’s gettin’ kilt-dem wuz mine to shoots offa my front porch Read the full story

Smelly Corners, LA (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s recent visit to the Gulf Coast was billed as a chance for the Commander in Chief to assess the damage caused by the massive oil spill, but a top White House aid says that there may have been another reason for the trip.

“He went there to whip the oil into shape and rouse the leak into closing,” the aide said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He figured if he could get Republicans to vote for him in 2008, a health care bill pushed through during 2009, and ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ repealed in 2010, he should be able to talk an oil spill back into the ground.” Read the full story

Washington D C (GlossyNews) — In a stroke of political genius, President Obama has figured out a way to kill two birds with one oil blob. He has offered full American citizenship to any illegal immigrant who brings a mop, bucket or leaf blower down to the Gulf Coast and helps clean up the giant oil spill washing ashore.

In a hastily arranged press conference, President Obama could hardly contain his excitement. “It looks like the good Lord has provided us with a solution and given us an army of the best of the best when it comes to cleaning up a mess. The first line of defense will be 20 million Mexicans with leaf blowers who will attempt to change the course of the spill by blowing it into a neighboring country. Read the full story

Grand Isle, LA (GlossyNews) –A team of marine biologists recovered 120 specimens of wild life from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Wednesday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, volunteered to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. While cleaning feathers and fur with dish detergent, Anne Fullerton, a student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, discovered what turned out to be a Mexican attempting to enter the U.S. illegally. Read the full story

Jackson, WY (GlossyNews)b– “Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton’s very real involvement in the construction, and ultimate destruction, of the oil platform owned by British Petroleum were the liberal news outlets. And we know what that means…liberals are always looking for a way to bring down Dick Cheney. Read the full story

New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) -– Oil executives returned back to their home-away-from-home in Louisiana after a grueling week in front of a Senate investigative panel to answer tough questions about the ongoing oil spill problem in the Gulf of Mexico. They decided to unwind at a favorite local dining establishment, the Bayou Bourgeois Bistro that evening.

The Bayou Bourgeois Bistro, situated on the water in the small town of Thibodaux, Louisiana, is a favorite among locals and tourists alike for its ability to serve up some of the best authentic Cajun cooking in Louisiana Read the full story