Tag Archive | "BP"

Freedom Industries Explores Its Freedom to Pollute W. Virginia Waterways


Freedom Industries, the more-important-than-humans industry conveniently located next to the major river supplying water to nine counties of a rural portion of West Virginia, has contaminated the drinking, bathing, teeth brushing, clothes washing water of thousands of people with a coal foaming agent that leaked out of their plant. Read the full story

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Scientists Dismayed As BP Throws More Oil-Absorbent Cash at Gulf


Since the 2010 explosion on the Deep Water Horizon offshore oil rig, which killed 11 people and spilled 205 million gallons of crude oil, British Petroleum has been pumping billions of oil-absorbing dollar bills into the Gulf of Mexico and Mississippi Delta.

The BP money has become a symbol of the company’s continued effort to restore the ecosystems decimated by the spill. However, according to environmental scientists, the oil-absorbing cash isn’t helping as much as BP predicted and in some cases, is even exacerbating problems in the affected areas. Read the full story

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BP Offers Disaster Response Expertise to Failing Nuke Reactor


Media release: Monaco, 0800hrs, Energy giant BP, (formerly British Petroleum) has announced an offer of support to the Japanese government overnight, pledging to fully rebuild the nation’s damaged nuclear reactors on undisclosed but “very favorable” terms. Read the full story

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BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill


MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.

These include:

  1. Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
  2. Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.
  3. Read the full story

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BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat


CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses. Read the full story

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Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe was uttered on June 17, but after seven days and several subsequent apologies for apologies, Barton’s comments continue to sour public opinion, further jeopardizing the Republican Party’s chances to capture additional seats in Congress this November. And today, fellow Republican Joe Scarborough dragged the incident right back into the limelight. Read the full story

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US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve


WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that occupies most of northern Alaska adjacent to the oil wells in Prudhoe Bay, the Southern Petroleum Reserve will serve as an ongoing source of oil in the case of a national emergency. Read the full story

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Obama Picks Judge Judy to Decide Oil Spill Claims


NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Ever since President Obama and BP announced that BP is putting up an initial $20 billion to pay for any legitimate claims that are filed as a result of damages incurred as a direct or indirect result of the Horizon Gulf oil disaster, people have been wondering who will decide the fate of their claims.

Well, wait no longer. This morning, President Obama announced that he tapped one of the best minds in the legal business, Judge Judy, to take on the task of sorting through the myriad of claims being filed and determining what is and isn’t legitimate. Read the full story

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Obama Ready to Open Big Can of Whup Ass


NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) -– Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in his desk drawer and unleashing it on whoever is responsible for the oil spill. Read the full story

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BP Solves the Catastrophe by Creating a Disaster


HOUSTON, Texas (GlossyNews) – 10,000 barrels of crude burning per day. In a move typical of the greed and gluttony of Big Oil, British Petroleum began to burn thousands of barrels of crude oil DAILY captured from the leak in the Gulf which they caused on Earth Day.

BP which caused one of the biggest man made ecological disasters in the history of the planet, in their rush to make billions of dollars, will solve that partially by burning 10,000 barrels of crude a DAY. Read the full story

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Country Kills Thousands to Steal Oil then Chokes on its Own


Norfolk, VA (GlossyNews) — FUTURE NEWS – Legend has it that a country called the United States, once described as a modern day Atlantis, was just wrapping up an horrific incident where it killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people to steal their oil, when it choked to death on its own oil reserves that spewed uncontrollably from the ground.

In 2003, an aggressive War Lord with the mentality of a spoiled out of control alcoholic, who had little intelligence or sense of history, robbed the enormous coffers of the wealthiest country on Earth. He then used the spoils to overcompensate for his failure to find oil in his youth and appease his wealthy father. The War Lord paid honest young men, with other people’s money, to go to a foreign country thousands of miles away and burn women, children and even dogs and chickens to death with terrible chemicals and mutilating bombs. Read the full story

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Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts


Acme Corporation is reporting a huge profit upswing this month. Acme is the chief supplier of underwater doo-dads for BP Corporation, the sponsors of what is now the largest oil spill ever. BP has been buying heavily from Acme in its attempts to up cap the renegade oil well.

Acme CEO Wile E. Coyote, interviewed by Fly By Night Business Magazine, has expressed his delight at his company’s good fortune.

“I use to be Acme’s biggest customer of products. Their inventory has always been amazing. They had everything imaginable: long and short fused explosives, rocket cars, anvils, guided missiles, bazookas, spring loaded shoes and a great variety of specialty booby traps. We intend on maintaining that great tradition.” Read the full story

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Louisianan Upset that Oil Spill is Killing Animals Before He Can


Tee Toos Landing, LA (GlossyNews) — Coonass Marty Boudreaux, who spends the bulk of his spare time drinking Dixie beer and shooting anything that moves, is pretty darned angry these days. That’s because a giant oil slick is coming on shore and wiping out the animals before he can get at ‘em.

“I tol you wat,” says Boudreaux, “if der ain’t won ting dat gets to me from dis hole mess dat’s goin’ down out heyah, is dat all dem birds and shit dat’s gettin’ kilt-dem wuz mine to shoots offa my front porch Read the full story

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Obama Inspires Oil Spill to Clean Itself Up


Smelly Corners, LA (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s recent visit to the Gulf Coast was billed as a chance for the Commander in Chief to assess the damage caused by the massive oil spill, but a top White House aid says that there may have been another reason for the trip.

“He went there to whip the oil into shape and rouse the leak into closing,” the aide said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He figured if he could get Republicans to vote for him in 2008, a health care bill pushed through during 2009, and ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ repealed in 2010, he should be able to talk an oil spill back into the ground.” Read the full story

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Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill


Washington D C (GlossyNews) — In a stroke of political genius, President Obama has figured out a way to kill two birds with one oil blob. He has offered full American citizenship to any illegal immigrant who brings a mop, bucket or leaf blower down to the Gulf Coast and helps clean up the giant oil spill washing ashore.

In a hastily arranged press conference, President Obama could hardly contain his excitement. “It looks like the good Lord has provided us with a solution and given us an army of the best of the best when it comes to cleaning up a mess. The first line of defense will be 20 million Mexicans with leaf blowers who will attempt to change the course of the spill by blowing it into a neighboring country. Read the full story

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Mexican Recovered from Gulf Oil Spill


Grand Isle, LA (GlossyNews) –A team of marine biologists recovered 120 specimens of wild life from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Wednesday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, volunteered to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. While cleaning feathers and fur with dish detergent, Anne Fullerton, a student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, discovered what turned out to be a Mexican attempting to enter the U.S. illegally. Read the full story

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