Tag Archive | "Bank"

Major banks agree to principle reduction, lower interest

U.S. homeowners struggling to make payments on mortgages worth as much as three times the value of their home were astonished to learn that their banks had decided to offer principle reduction and lower interest.

“We’ve been negotiating for years and the banks have been unwilling to budge” said Deepa N. Dette from Salem Quick, Wisconsin. “Now this? What does it mean?”

To answer this question, I spoke to Hugh Reilly-Kairs, spokesperson for the American Banking Oligarchy: Read the full story


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Consumers Wowed by PNC “Free iPad” Promotion

Consumer circles are going wild over a new promotion being offered by PNC Bank to first-time clients who opt to open an account with the nationwide financial company.

Anyone who pays a non-refundable, $700 bank fee under the promotion is eligible to receive an Apple iPad, absolutely free of charge.

“What we are shooting for here is great value in every new customer’s experience with PNC Bank,” said Mark Maners, PNC’s chief marketing operative. Read the full story


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We Need More Debt, Please

My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him a favor for marrying my sister, so I agreed to publish the following interview with him:

RIGHT: Penin Diaz has a plan to end the recession. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story


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Fed Announces Major Wealth Creation Plan to Aid Wealthy

U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has announced a new plan to stimulate the economy by using public funds to buy up toxic mortgage-backed securities. “Nobody else will buy this crap,” said Bernanke, “so let’s get the American taxpayer to do it.”

The Bernanke plan also guarantees that public funds will be made available to qualified borrowers at rates of between 0 and ¼ percent for at least another three years. To qualify, you must be a too-big-to-fail bank with at least $100 billion in assets and pay no taxes. “It would make no sense for banks to borrow from their own taxes, would it?” asked Bernanke. Read the full story


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The Kindness of Banks Thanks to Soul Modification

A dear friend of mine, Penin Diaz, sent me this distressing report that I felt compelled to share with you. – Barb Weir

Our family is going through hard times, and we’re trying to cut expenses, so I asked my bank about mortgage loan modification.

“We’re here to help you, Mr. Diaz,” said the loan officer. “How far behind are you in your mortgage payments? You don’t qualify unless you’re pretty destitute.” Read the full story


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Superman Fails to Stop Bank Robbery Due to Not Being Real

New York police were left red-faced after Superman did not turn up to save the day.

When responding to what seemed a routine bank alarm call out, three police cars pulled up outside Steel Cheques Bank to find a real armed robbery taking place.

Rather then risk their lives for the money of fat business men, the police decided to wait it out in their cars until Superman arrived to help them tackle the thieves. Read the full story


Posted in CrimeComments (3)

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