Tag Archive | "bailout"

We need more debt, please!


My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment). I unfortunately owe him a favor for marrying my sister, so I agreed to publish the following interview with him:

RIGHT: Penin Diaz has a plan to end the recession. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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GlossyNews.com Interviews Paul Ryan on Equal Rights and the Personhood of Fertilized Corporations


The U.S. Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Paul Ryan, is often portrayed as a person of little compassion. However, he sees himself as expanding equal rights to new classes of persons. Here is how he responded to my questions on these subjects:

GlossyNews.com: Congressman Ryan, you’ve said that human life is precious to you, so why do you insist that even if a pregnancy endangers the life of a woman, she has no right to end it? Read the full story

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Romney: Screw It, I’ll Give $300k to Everyone Who Votes for Me


WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to win over the average working American, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to give away his entire wealth to the American people, declaring: “enough with politics: I’ll give three million freaking dollars to everyone who votes for me in November.”

This offer is only good for voters in swing states, but if you live in Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia, Florida or Colorado, this simple vote could be your easy ticket to the upper-crust. Read the full story

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Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries


ATHENS, GREECE – As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country’s potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression. Read the full story

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Bono and Geldof ask Africa to save Ireland


Soweto: Irish pop stars Bob Geldof and U2’s Bono have announced their latest African tour for October of this year. The tour, aptly named “DebtAid” is set to raise funds and prevent famine in the recession-stricken Irish Republic.

“This time we’ve changed things slightly and decided to tour Africa in an effort to eradicate poverty in Ireland,” explained Bono, whose nation is sitting on a sovereign debt disaster, IMF loans totalling 85 billion Euro, Read the full story

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111th Congress Declares Bankruptcy, Asks For A Bailout


The 111th Congress of what is supposedly the richest and most powerful country in the world, the United States of America, has declared bankruptcy. Following years of self inflicted, major party apartheid, selling out to corporate and higher class interests and general diddle-daddling about issues that should have been taken care of decades ago, the Federal body known as Congress has run through its allotted funding and declared Chapter 7 filing. Our greatest legislative entity has been declared indigent and will soon be foreclosed upon. Read the full story

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Irish in Feverish Leprechaun Hunt to Rescue Economy


DUBLIN, Ireland – In the wake of some of the worst economic news to hit Ireland for decades, record numbers of Irish people are laying traps hoping to catch the elusive leprechauns and make them hand over the gold in their possession.

Some claim that the stores of gold held captive by the country’s leprechauns is enough to not only bring Ireland out of the financial mess but to make it the richest country in the world. Read the full story

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Economy Ramps Up – But Workers Have All Starved To Death


STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had either starved to death or were homeless and couldn’t be found.

“It was surprising to us.” said Chief Investor Charles Fatbelly, speaking at the ‘Back On Top’ banquet for top Wall Street executives while munching on pheasant under glass. “I thought there was supposed to be a trickle down of some sort. Oh, well, we’ll just import some people from India.” Read the full story

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U.S. Auctions States to Pay Off Mounting Deficit


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — The national debt in the United States has reached a record $10 trillion, with the deficit continuing to mount as efforts to stimulate the economy out of recession grow. To pay off this enormous amount, the federal government has embarked on an innovative overseas real estate auction. “It’s true,” said embattled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “We’re selling individual states to foreign debtors.” Read the full story

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Old Man Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender, Bailey


BEDFORD FALLS, IN (GlossyNews) — Five more financial institutions were closed this week by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 140, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. OneWest Bank was the first casualty of the morning. More surprising was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the Bailey Savings & Loan in Bedford Falls. Read the full story

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Goldman Sachs Execs Actually Appreciate “Gold Man Sacks” Jabs


Goldman Sachs is arguably best known as the firm that created the most wealth for the most clients over the longest sub-decade period of prosperity in modern history, though they’re as well known as the people who created the equally dismal downturn. Now, with the rise of satirists like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, they’re better known as the men with “Golden Man Sacks”, and that’s apparently a joke they’re just fine with. Read the full story

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Special Ring of Hell Created for CEOs


God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present world-wide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a uniquely unpleasant theme park: Read the full story

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Wall Street Declares Itself An Independent Nation


Wall Street, in a surprising move today, declared itself a separate governing republic and detached from the US. Always considered a bulwark of staunch capitalism, the recent bailout has changed the economic thinking of it’s leaders. Upon succession Wall Str. renamed itself “The Socialist Republic of Wall Str.”. Hugo Chavez sent them a telegram of congratulations.

Critics of this development suggest that having achieved independence Wall Str. would not have to return the $700 billion handout. Read the full story

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“Cash for Cockers” Channels Billions to Beleagured Spaniel Industry


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Obama’s Admin Creates Jobs in Neverland


Now here’s a breaking news story to warm the cockles of your heart and make you proud to be American.
Oh yes, enough to inspire you to shout out loud from the rooftops and declare “See, I told you we were spot on switching to Democrat and voting for the Kenyan guy!”

And why is this so? For the Obama administration’s financial bailout package – all mega-zillions of dollars-worth of it – has – in the midst of this quagmire of a global recession – saved ‘and’ created thirty jobs in Arizona’s 15th Congressional District – simply by laying out a measly $761,420.75c in federal stimulus spending. Read the full story

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Greedshite Bank Bids to Buy All United Kingdom’s Roads


A radical avarice-inspired plan to rake in £100 billion by privatising the UK’s motorway and trunk road networks has been exposed – blowing wide open the criminal details of a series of covert sneaky attempts to corruptly influence ranking members of the three main political parties by the NM Greedshite Bank. Read the full story

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