Tag Archive | "athletes"

Text Walking to Become New Olympic Sport


Rio de Janeiro – Text walking will become the newest sport to be part of the Olympic Games starting in Rio in 2016. The act of texting while walking has never been considered a sport but since so few people get killed while performing the act, Olympic officials assume there must be some skill involved in the activity.

Although still a relatively new activity in some parts of the world, millions of people navigate their daily lives while having their eyes and attention diverted to their handheld devices for hours on end. Miraculously, only a small number of these self-absorbed people end up in the hospital or worse from the activity. Read the full story

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Pittsburgh Pirates On Record Pace to Reach 53-Win Limit


PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Pirates are out to their best start yet, already having secured 51 of their 53 maximum allowable wins at just the halfway point of the MLB season.

To put it into perspective with regard to the rest of the National League, the Pirates currently have two wins more than the Cardinals, five wins more than the Reds, and 49 wins more than the they themselves are contractually allotted to achieve for the rest of the season. Read the full story

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Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China


LONDON – Reaching a mutual agreement with overseas executives Tuesday, The United States Olympic Committee has thrashed out a deal that will see 30% of Team USA’s Olympic medals outsourced to China.

The deal was first brought into the public eye after reports that Team China had themselves landed gold medals in the women’s 48kg and 58kg weightlifting events, and later in two diving events, which were once dominated by the USA. Read the full story

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NBA Hard Pressed To Find Player To Hawk New Condom Line


The National Basketball Association has just introduced its latest merchandising scam, …er…, product line – assorted condoms denoting all the professional American basketball teams. Each condom is colored with a team logo.

“With these babies you can really tell if the wearer has team spirit or not!” states NBA Merchandising Agent Hard Forsports. “There’s no mistaking your loyalties here!” Read the full story

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