Tag Archive | "astrophysics"

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse


In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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The Universe Is F*cking Ridiculous, Say World’s Leading Astrophysicists


STOCKHOLM, Sweden—Last week, researchers from MIT, Cambridge, The Swiss Federal Institute of Technology, and other renowned institutions met at the World Astrophysics Conference in Stockholm, where many of the greatest minds in astrophysics debated the properties of dark matter, the existence of multiple universes, and what happens to matter as it passes a black hole’s event horizon. Read the full story

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Economy Causes Jupiter Cloud Downsizing


Boat-Upon-River, Oxfordshire, England, Great Britain (GlossyUKNews) — Professor Percy Hyde-Warf spoke from Oxford’s esteemed Council on Planetary Stuff this week on the planet Jupiter’s recent atmospheric changes. The CPS Director told reporters, “In short ladies and gentlemen, it’s those bloody Greeks that forced this on us.”

Hyde-Warf reiterated the basic principles of Econogravitationalphysics, wherein the Sun’s mass fluctuates in proportion to Earth economic stability.

“Look, I could show you all the computer models, but you wouldn’t understand them anyway, so just write down what I say. At least since the time of Galileo the planet Jupiter has had two primary cloud bands. Now it has only one. That’s because the lazy Greeks want to retire at age thirty with a full pension, and some twits were stupid enough to let Greece in the EU.” Read the full story

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Economy Forces Downsizing of Solar System


The mood was somber at Oxford’s esteemed Council on Planetary Stuff this week as yet another solar system down-sizing was announced. CPS Director Percy Hyde-Warf opened the press conference with a display of his famed wit. “I know you reporter chaps are dolts, so I’ll keep this simple. Neptune will likely have to go soon.”

Hyde-Warf went on to shed light on an obscure branch of astrophysics, and detail its near-term impact. “Newton was right, but the past decade has revealed Earth economics affects our Sun’s gravity. Read the full story

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