Tag Archive | "arrested"

This Old Man Arrested On Ten Counts of Child Molestation


72 year old Gunther Schnell was arrested this afternoon for 10 counts of child sexual molestation after it was revealed he was performing “knick knack” on various parts of children’s bodies.

“Currently we have ten victims”, said arresting officer John Schmidt. “It would appear Mr. Schnell performed this atrocity on everything from a little girls thumb to the sexual organs of both boys and girls”.

It would appear Schnell kept the children quiet by threatening to “paddy whack” them if they told their parents. He even kept his dog quiet by giving him a bone after the dog witnessed each encounter.

The first victim, a 5 year old gitrl, said Schnell said he played knick knack for several hours on her thumb.

Schell’s fifth victim revealed he played “knick knack on her hive” which would indicate her vagina.

The sixth victim was a little boy who stated that Schnell played “knick knack on my stick”, indicating his penis.

Law enforcement authorities say Schnell may be facing up to 30 years behind bars which, given his age, will probably mean life.

“If he gets out of prison alive we can rest assured this old man will be in a wheelchair and come rolling home!” said officer Schmidt.

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Posted in Human InterestComments (5)

Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People


ORLANDO — A Jesus look-alike was arrested today for violating the Orlando city ordinance against feeding homeless people. Jesús Christos, 33, of Kissimmee, is now being held in Orlando City Jail.

RIGHT: Also suspected of turning water into wine for his underage friends. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Orlando Police said that early yesterday afternoon Christos began speaking to a small group of twelve friends in Lake Eola park. Slowly, a crowd gathered to listen to Christos’ message of love, forgiveness and social justice. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, ReligionismComments (2)

NYC to Name “New Yorker You Least Want to Run Into” Award After Alec Baldwin


New York City – The New York City Visitor’s Bureau has decided to begin handing out an annual award designed to reward a recipient, while at the same time alerting the public to a person who, should they see him or her in public, should be avoided at all costs. The first winner of the new award has been announced and the winner is Alec Baldwin.

RIGHT: Baldwin vs. Paparazzi. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Baldwin has built quite a reputation in ‘The Big Apple’ as someone who is always one remark away from becoming a mass murderer. His hair trigger temper is not to be toyed with as the beloved actor can explode without warning and without provocation. Simply asking if the actor is having a nice day can potentially land a person in full traction at the hospital. Read the full story

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Posted in EntertainmentComments (3)

Pakistani Jazz Band ‘Cock Disturbance’ Jailed for Blasphemy


ISLAMABAD – Pakistani police have arrested all four members of an Islamabad based jazz band named Cock Disturbance for blasphemy. The group was arrested after performing an impromptu concert in a mosque where they called for the resignation of Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari.

Cock Disturbance now faces a maximum punishment of death if convicted. The four will be sentenced later this week. Their arrests are attracting attention around the world as a sign of Pakistan’s increasing intolerance of free expression. Read the full story

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Posted in World NewsComments (2)

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