Tag Archive | "armageddon"

Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down


Accumulating a huge mass of knowledge in its 17 years of existence, the Internet giant Google has officially made itself the greatest source of knowledge in the entire universe, surpassing even that of Douglas Adam’s giant planet computer in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

In a surprising move as a result of this development, God has stepped down as the Supreme Force of the Universe. Asked to make a public statement about this unexpected change, God refused at first to answer reporters’ questions. Read the full story

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NASA Scientists Warn; More Asteroids, Comets and Meteors On The Way to Destroy Earth


NASA scientists have revealed that the recent meteor explosion in Russia, the flyby of asteroid 212 DA 124, the strange meteor shower over Florida and the mysterious fireball spotted over southern California are simply precursors of the devastation yet to come.

“Essentially”, said NASA spokesperson Jennifer Conspire, “we are advising people to enjoy their lives now because Armageddon is coming!”

Conspire stated that the end of the world is coming and there is little that can be done about it.

“Eat fatty food, drink, get laid, smoke, take a trip around the world on credit or do any hair brained things you can think of because it all won’t matter in a few months”, Conspire declared. “Unless you’re one of those religious people who believe in karma or something”.

NASA administrator Charles Bolden refuted Conspire’s clams. “There’s a few meteors headed our way but everything is going to be just swell! Don’t listen to that crazy lady! I’m going to fire her!”

Later that day Bolden was seen cashing in all his stocks and booking a flight to Aruba.

NASA scientist Joel McKenzie agreed with Conspire’s declaration. “Some of them we can see coming whereas others we can’t. In any case, we don’t have enough nuclear weapons to destroy them all or even divert them. We’re doomed!”

16 year old Jake Mulligan and his 15 year old girlfriend Jenny Stratalucci are planning on having sex this weekend to make sure they are not virgins when the end times come.

Chicago businessman Peter Manklevitch says he is going to spend all his money on prostitutes and beer this weekend. “I sure as hell hope this ain’t just a rumor”, he stated.

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Posted in Environment, Science & TechnologizzyComments (3)

Aztecs Slam “Typical Stupid Mayans” When World Fails to End


Many Aztecs throughout North and Central America rejoiced at the stroke of midnight December 22nd, 2012, as the world failed to end, in accordance with Mayan prophecy.

“Those stupid [beeping] Mayans. They’re just wrong about everything,” said Miguel Quattel, an Aztec living just south of Mexico City. “They were wrong about agriculture, they were wrong about the Spanish, and once again they came up stupid.” Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon


GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell. Read the full story

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News Of The World–Year 2020 (Man Are We Screwed!)


EUROPE AND THE WORLD IN 2020

News highlights- Reuters- April 1, 2020.

SWITZERLAND-

The once wealthy nation of Switzerland, still refusing to join the EU, has suffered yet another downturn in it’s economy.

At one time the jewel of Europe and one of it’s wealthiest countries in the world, this small land is suffering its blackest financial year yet as the last bulwark of its economy. “The Swiss Cuckoo Clock Factory has had to lay off 50% of its employees,” said a company spokesman who prefers to remain anonymous. “Those damn digitals have finally done us in!” Read the full story

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Mayans Were Right? Religious Scholars Say Gay Marriage Sign End Is Near


Experts in ancient Mayan culture have been prophesizing the world will come to a cataclysmic end in 2012. They base this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation earlier this summer that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon. Read the full story

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13 More Reasons I’m Glad FlashForward was Cancelled


I’ve been given ample amounts of grief for my review and assessment that FlashForward being cancelled was a good thing, and so I’ve gone to the library to get the full DVD goodness… having watched it again, I’m still as glad that it’s been cancelled as I am that I didn’t pay to see it, and here are five more reasons as to why. Read the full story

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Posted in TelevisionComments (6)

Doomsday Prophet Admits Using LOST to Predict Rapture


Harold Camping, whose prediction about the Rapture failed to materialize, has admitted using clues gleaned from the now canceled ABC series LOST to calculate the date. “I don’t know what went wrong,” he lamented, wiping the tears from his eyes with hundred dollar bills. “The clues were all there.  My math was right. I’m not sure exactly what the hell happened!” Read the full story

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Mayans, Nostradamus Agree on Donald Trump Armageddon Scenario


Machu Picchu, dusk – GlossyNews.com: After ten seconds of reciprocal nodding over candlelight, Nostradamus and Mayan elders have announced they are in complete agreement with their Donald Trump apocalyptic destruction prophecies.

“I clearly mentioned that guy in the 3rd verse of the 4th Quatrain,” declared Nostradamus, whose only failed prediction was his own death in 1566. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Strange PeopleComments (24)

This Friday the 13th Predicted to be Astronomical Doozy


VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — Several astronomers are coming right out and telling people to be extra careful this Friday the 13th due to the fact that in addition to the 13th falling on a Friday this month, another more sinister event will be happening in the skies that night—a triple conjunction with the moon lining up with Venus, Mars and Saturn all in close proximity that night. Also known as the “smiley face” effect, the occurrence is rare but has always been associated with significant happenings in history. Read the full story

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Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Earth


HOLLISTER, California (GLossyNews) — Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.” Read the full story

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Doomsday Clock Sold on eBay to Anonymous Bidder


CHICAGO, IL — Spendrift T. Hwart, science historian for the Doomsday Clock group, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, held a press conference today to announce that it would move the hands of the clock from five to six minutes before midnight. Amidst a virtual tumultuous applause from throughout the developed world, Mr. Hwart bowed and smiled as he acknowledged that he virtually imagined the resounding notice. Read the full story

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Ask Hank – Battle over Basement Bunker Becomes Brouhaha


Dear Hank,

I have a serious issue that needs addressed. I’m a conservative, belong to the NRA and have just finished my bunker cause we all know what’s coming in 2012. My damn wife wants to decorate the damn thing and take down all my desert storm pictures. We will be sharing the space with our son who is two right now and our cat Sherman, but I can’t give up my plaid couch and plasma T.V. We’re heading for a divorce after 15 yrs. of marriage over this! I need help!

-Lost in Arkansas! Read the full story

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21/12/2012: Oprah-Geddon Approaches


2012 is coming – approaching fast. A time to be afraid – very afraid – as the threadbare cliché goes. Actually I’d advise you to be more than very afraid – shit-scared would be more appropriate, in point in fact.

21/12/2012 – the end of the World as we know it – and all thanks to Oprah Winfrey. Read the full story

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