Tag Archive | "alcoholism"

John Boehner Finishes Another Pint of Whiskey


John Boehner (R-Ohio) said Tuesday that he wants to have a “conflagration” with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats over the government shutdown and deadline to raise the debt ceiling.

“I wanna half a conflagration, I’m not drowl… drowning any lines in the sand,” he said at a press conference, barely managing to stand alongside fellow members of the GOP leadership. “There’s isn’t any boundaries here, muffins off the table, butter there’s a lil-little something under the table! Hah!!” Read the full story

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Study: Men Will Say Anything for Sex Opportunity (comic)


If you’ve ever tasted alcohol, you know what it’s like to crave a sub-desirable person of the opposite sex, and if you’ve ever gotten to know them well enough, you know what it is to lie about who you are, what you want and where you’re going in life just to get a taste of them.

I’m not condoning the practice, but I am acknowledging it. It happens on both sides of the gender aisle. He’s cute enough but dumb as a post. She’s morbidly obese but still technically has a vagina. It’s the same thing either way. Read the full story

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Alcoholism and Mommy Issues Meet in the Crosshairs (comic)


If you’ve ever had the opportunity to tele-commute, you surely know the joys of being drunk at work. Today, our resident cartoonist Brian K. White takes it to a new level by adding it to a whole ridiculous layer of parental forsakenness.

My mom loves grand-daughters. Loves them to bits. Takes them to Disney Land, keeps them overnight, you name it. Even the 2yr-old daughter of a girl I once dated was taken to California… but my sons? No such luck.

Click on the image to see it full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Posted in Comics, Strange PeopleComments (0)

The Biggest Boozer Tossed After Two Episodes


It’s official: the Biggest Boozer has been canceled. This whale puke of a summer replacement only made two pilot episodes before producers mercifully pulled the plug.

“We know the contract says you get paid for 6 episodes. Just take the money and stop filming this crap!” screamed one producer during negotiations for a permanent spot in the fall line-up. Read the full story

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Posted in EntertainmentComments (7)

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite


INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, ReligionismComments (1)

What I Did During the First Debate (Spoiler: I didn’t watch it)


8:01: Made myself a Boulevardier, which I highly recommend.

8:07: Opened up my three-year-in-progress novel, of which I have completed one chapter to date. Wrote seven additional words that I erased and rewrote four times. Net gain – four words. At this rate the next Great American Novel will be finished by December of 2023. Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Get Drunk… It’s for the Children


A lot of different communities have started a recycling program, commonly called “Cans for Kids.” The concept is to collect and recycle aluminum cans and have the proceeds go towards things such as children’s education.

Many of these programs have had a significant impact on education, providing college scholarships, funding arts programs and providing better quality education materials. Read the full story

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Posted in Education, HealthComments (0)

Glossy News Journalist Missing in South America


San Vincente, Bolivia (GlossyNews) — Reporters Without Borders spokesperson Kay O’Varian today announced fears about the fate of legendary Glossy News writer Blake Pennywhistle. “We all know Blake. He’s like an Edward R. Murrow in our profession, except half-drunk all the time and with the vocabulary of a developmentally challenged twelve year old. And we all know his bad breath could knock over a statue, but this just isn’t like him, dropping off the radar suddenly and completely.”

Ms. O’Varian went on to address the prevalent rumor swirling around the famed journalist’s abrupt disappearance. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Lindsay Sues Lohan for Suing E-Trade Over Commercial


LOS ANGELES, CA (GlossyNews) — Troubled 23-year-old celebrity Lindsay Lohan has filed a lawsuit against E-Trade for allegedly using her name in its latest commercial about a boyfriend-stealing baby with a substance abuse problem. The substance in question being milk. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity GossipComments (7)

College Freshman and Brewing Company Discover Social Anxiety Disorder Cure


LOS ANGELES, CA — Martin Freneticksburg, a college freshman, found himself diagnosed with social anxiety disorder last September after he pledged to a fraternity only to crumble under the ridicule and embarrassment of the customary hazing. Martin is not alone. Doctors say this experience is becoming more common in young adults, especially females. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, ScienceComments (2)

UK Stimulus Requires Peasants to Get Booze Licences


In what may well prove to be the most stupid law to be introduced since their last stupid law caused a public outcry and political brouhaha the EU’s fascist ‘Triple Six’ Department for Total Control has decided – in their infinite wisdom – that in a time wasting bid to curb binge drinking, all boozers will have to get a licence to enjoy their favourite tipple – and could lose it if they overindulge and get right blitzed. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, Human InterestComments (0)

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