Tag Archive | "al qaeda"

Republicans and al Qaeda face Conundrum of how to Continue their Escalating Evil

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—With its escalating insanity in the choice of its presidential nominees, from Reagan to George W. Bush to Donald Trump, the Republican Party has borrowed a strategy from al Qaeda to maximize terror in the American public, according to some political experts.
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Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven

The three Islamic assassins who killed French citizens at Charlie Hebdo and a Jewish delicatessen arrive at the destination they had given their lives for, the Jihadist heaven promised them.

An angel greets them as they arrive.

“Welcome gentlemen. I hope your journey was peaceful.”

“Hardly!” stated Said Kouachi sarcastically. “We got our shit shot to pieces.” Read the full story


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Malysian Air Shoots MH17 Down in Bold Strategy to Forget All About MH370

Just when you’ve seen enough out of the Malaysian people, this crazy stuff happens.

Malaysian Airline MH17 was shot down, forced to make a crash landing in the Ukraine, killing off passengers by the dozens. It’s a surprise no middle eastern extremists tried applying for a job, knowing they always have the tendency of crashing planes into stuff. Read the full story


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Obama defends U.S. alliance with al-Qaeda

It’s not easy to get an interview with the U.S. President. I had to pretend I was compliant journalist David Gregory, but it worked. Here is our conversation.

Barb Weir: Thank you for granting me this interview, Mr. President.

Obama: I owe you, David, after you suggested that Glenn Greenwald should be charged with a crime for interviewing that spy, Edward Snowden. How could that traitor reveal that the U.S. government is spying on the American people? I know you would never report something like that. We need more journalists like you.

RIGHT: Undercover reporter Barb Weir interviews President Barack Obama. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story


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How to get rid of enemies and excess allies

Yesterday’s report in the Los Angeles Times about the U.S. plan to rid itself of uncomfortable allies in Syria illustrates once again that drones are the answer to almost any problem. This is because – except for tsunamis and volcanoes – people are almost always the problem, and drones (AKA Unmanned Aerial Vehicles or UAVs) are designed to eliminate them.

RIGHT: Drone sales are exploding through the roof. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story


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The Budding U.S.-al-Qaeda Reconciliation

The US and al-Qaeda find themselves on the same side again. Ayman al-Zawarhiri, the top leader of al-Qaeda has issued a call for a religious war against Syria, as has Hilary Clinton, the US Secretary of State. I caught up with them at an undisclosed high security location where the food is kosher and the hosts are supportive of regime change in Syria.

RIGHT: al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton meet in a secret location several months prior to the 2012 U.S. elections. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story


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Navy SEALS Book: Bin Laden Had Nude Pictures of Pippa Middleton on his Computer

Islamisbad, Pakistan – (SatireWorld.com)

Computer experts have being pouring over the treasure trove of intelligence data taken from the Osama Bin Laden compound raid in Pakistan last year.

Recent data downloaded from the hard drives and thumb drives show extensive pornographic material, again proving the al Qeada leader was a dirty old man as well as a homicidal maniac. Read the full story


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Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. Read the full story


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Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — October 5, 2010, was as any other day in San Francisco. Tenderloin beat cop Mike McKenna stepped into his routine that morning, patrolling the stretch of Leavenworth that starts at Market Street and ends somewhere before the hills get too steep for the crack-heads to climb. Nibbling a cheese Danish, he explained to his partner Dan O’Maley, “I don’t like donuts, but these are great.” Then a fateful call came over the radio, ordering a response to the methadone clinic across from the YMCA. Read the full story


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Jihadists Taking Pre-Marital Classes to Prep for 70-Virgin Afterlife

The newest Jihadists have been instructed in a rare, word-of-mouth Al Qaeda fatwa to begin learning the most important teaching of their future suicidehood — that of preparing themselves for their final reward, the 70 black-eyed virgins. So-called “fighters” are being told to marry the widows of those who have fallen before them. They need to prepare physically for the arduous task after their suicides, how to keep 70 virgins happy in the afterlife. Read the full story


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Glossy News Sues Al Qaeda

THE HAGUE, The Netherlands — (GlossyNews) — Humor news media titan Glossy News announced today a lawsuit expected to redefine international intellectual property rights law, and possibly win the war against terror.

According to a brief filed in New York’s 4th District Court, while simultaneously brought before the WTO, and the Permanent Court of Arbitration, Al Qaeda has gone too far this time. At issue is the fanatical, murderous organization’s initial publication of a glossy paged news periodical. Read the full story


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Video Surfaces of Missing Glossy News Journalist

SNOHOMISH, Washington (GlossyNewsSA) — It remains uncertain whether legendary correspondent Blake Pennywhistle is alive or dead, but recent developments at least hold reason for hope. A DVD was left taped to the coffee machine at Glossy News NYC headquarters, sometime between Thursday evening and Friday morning. Read the full story


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Dutch Guy Murderer? Well, Duh…

Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around. Wait until they get his little preppy murdering butt into Lurigancho, that’ll serve him right.

See? Our cousin Arturo was in Lurigancho over a miscarriage of justice several years back. Some evil person probably from Al Qaeda hid $75,000 and four kilos of Cocaine in the gas tank of Arturo’s ride. So we know from him what that prison is like. They have conjugal visits every day, but no girls allowed, ha ha ha. Arturo still sits down slowly! Read the full story


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Islamic Extremists Issue Fatwa Against American Poodle

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Incensed Islamic extremists issued a fatwa early this evening against an American Muslim poodle named Crystal accused of breeding with an infidel St. Bernard named Herb. “Crystal has been seeing Herb at a local dog park on and off for several months,” said the courtesan canine’s owner, who strenuously requested anonymity. “One afternoon I lost sight of her… one thing led to another and, well, you know…” Read the full story


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Al Qaeda Suicide Bomber Interview Captured on Video

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young man seated before him:

Mahmoud el-Zarwarti: I wish to apply for the internal explosives unit.
Interviewer: Prior experience?
el-Zarwarti: Uh, fondness for Mexican food.
Interviewer: Current occupation?
el-Zarwarti: Fisherman
Interviewer: Accepted. Would you prefer your 72 virgins in one lump sum or doled out over five years?
el-Zarwarti: Neither. I am not interested such pleasures.
Interviewer: Your reward, then?
el-Zarwarti: 72 sturgeon. Fresh caught.
Interviewer: Done. Next man.


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Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Texas Crash

AUSTIN, Texas – A Spokesman for the international terror and hedge fund Organization al-Qaeda has moved swiftly to claim responsibility for the Texas Kamikaze bombing to strike fear into conservative-Texas hearts, at least those of the Texans inside the building at the time. Read the full story


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