SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — October 5, 2010, was as any other day in San Francisco. Tenderloin beat cop Mike McKenna stepped into his routine that morning, patrolling the stretch of Leavenworth that starts at Market Street and ends somewhere before the hills get too steep for the crack-heads to climb. Nibbling a cheese Danish, he explained to his partner Dan O’Maley, “I don’t like donuts, but these are great.” Then a fateful call came over the radio, ordering a response to the methadone clinic across from the YMCA. Read the full story

The newest Jihadists have been instructed in a rare, word-of-mouth Al Qaeda fatwa to begin learning the most important teaching of their future suicidehood — that of preparing themselves for their final reward, the 70 black-eyed virgins. So-called “fighters” are being told to marry the widows of those who have fallen before them. They need to prepare physically for the arduous task after their suicides, how to keep 70 virgins happy in the afterlife. Read the full story

THE HAGUE, The Netherlands — (GlossyNews) — Humor news media titan Glossy News announced today a lawsuit expected to redefine international intellectual property rights law, and possibly win the war against terror.

According to a brief filed in New York’s 4th District Court, while simultaneously brought before the WTO, and the Permanent Court of Arbitration, Al Qaeda has gone too far this time. At issue is the fanatical, murderous organization’s initial publication of a glossy paged news periodical. Read the full story

SNOHOMISH, Washington (GlossyNewsSA) — It remains uncertain whether legendary correspondent Blake Pennywhistle is alive or dead, but recent developments at least hold reason for hope. A DVD was left taped to the coffee machine at Glossy News NYC headquarters, sometime between Thursday evening and Friday morning. Read the full story

Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around. Wait until they get his little preppy murdering butt into Lurigancho, that’ll serve him right.

See? Our cousin Arturo was in Lurigancho over a miscarriage of justice several years back. Some evil person probably from Al Qaeda hid $75,000 and four kilos of Cocaine in the gas tank of Arturo’s ride. So we know from him what that prison is like. They have conjugal visits every day, but no girls allowed, ha ha ha. Arturo still sits down slowly! Read the full story

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Incensed Islamic extremists issued a fatwa early this evening against an American Muslim poodle named Crystal accused of breeding with an infidel St. Bernard named Herb. “Crystal has been seeing Herb at a local dog park on and off for several months,” said the courtesan canine’s owner, who strenuously requested anonymity. “One afternoon I lost sight of her… one thing led to another and, well, you know…” Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young man seated before him:

Mahmoud el-Zarwarti: I wish to apply for the internal explosives unit.
Interviewer: Prior experience?
el-Zarwarti: Uh, fondness for Mexican food.
Interviewer: Current occupation?
el-Zarwarti: Fisherman
Interviewer: Accepted. Would you prefer your 72 virgins in one lump sum or doled out over five years?
el-Zarwarti: Neither. I am not interested such pleasures.
Interviewer: Your reward, then?
el-Zarwarti: 72 sturgeon. Fresh caught.
Interviewer: Done. Next man.

AUSTIN, Texas – A Spokesman for the international terror and hedge fund Organization al-Qaeda has moved swiftly to claim responsibility for the Texas Kamikaze bombing to strike fear into conservative-Texas hearts, at least those of the Texans inside the building at the time. Read the full story

President Obama today announced that in line with the Rothshite Zionist-dictated edict that the United States is not allowed a Middle East or foreign policy separate from – or in conflict with – Israel’s, he will be dispatching an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan to reinforce the ones those nasty Taliban keep snuffing. Read the full story

The United States military hawks have thrown their hands up and cried “Time Out!” as they hotly deny accusations of having played a role in a deadly terrorist suicide bombing in southeast Iran.

“We condemn this act of terrorism and mourn the loss of innocent lives – honest – cross my heart and hope to die,” State Department spokesman Sheldon Weaselberg declared – just before dropping stone dead – in a statement to a group of media reporters who looked stupid or gullible enough to still believe anything the US government says. Read the full story

Washington — In an escalation of the conflict between the Central Intelligence Agency and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a CIA source has provided the New York Times a tape of what he maintains is a July 2007 meeting attended by Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Rep. John Murtha. Read the full story

A source in al Qaeda’s inner circle tells Al Jazeera that hardliners oppose Osama bin Laden’s decision to alter the organization’s tactics in response to President Barack Obama’s overtures to the Muslim world. Read the full story