After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming.

As the head of a team assigned by Congress, Dr. Dietrich managed over a dozen mathematicians and scientists tasked with estimating the mean temperature in 2035 by extrapolating world temperature data from the last 80 years.

It took Dietrich’s team five weeks to prepare the report, after which it was sent to Congress and then made public. It was several days later, on August 2, that Carl Bombelli, a concerned citizen, noticed that some of the numbers in the report seemed a bit off. After investigating for several hours with a pocket calculator and a whiteboard, Bombelli discovered what he believed to be evidence that Dietrich had been using completely imaginary numbers. Bombelli reported his findings to the FBI.

On August 5, after advisement from the FBI, Congress convened the Congressional Investigation Committee (CIC) which did a full investigation into Dietrich and his report. After considerable inquiry into the matter, the CIC found that Dietrich referenced the square root of negative one in three of his equations. After finding that no such number exists the CIC concluded that Dietrich did in fact intentionally and maliciously use completely imaginary numbers. The CIC made an official recommendation that Dietrich resign and further promised to consider criminal charges in the coming weeks.

67% of the three people we polled were appalled and outraged but not really surprised that the damn liberals have resorted to using completely imaginary numbers.

We caught up with Dietrich at an ice cream shop in Dallas and asked him, “Did you really use imaginary numbers in your report on global warming?”

“Yeah, so?” answered Dietrich, licking his chocolate covered waffle cone.

“Was it an accident?”

“Of course not!” Dietrich crunched on his waffle cone.

“So it was malicious.”

“What!?”

We left it at that because Dietrich seemed a little confused and a bit agitated. Plus we we wanted to finish our ice cream before it melted.

Word has it that old Beelzebub is furious these days over being blamed for everything from pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s hoohah to Anthony Weiner’s bulging BVD’s. He claims that he’s tired of being a catchall for mankind’s failure to control their sexual desires.

“Why is it when I open the paper and read yet another story about a well-liked politician who’s been caught with his hand in his drawers, there is always a reference to some kind of evil making them do it?” says Satan. Read the full story

Insiders have always watched Tennessee elections closely. The reasons for this scrutiny are varied. Partly, it’s the famous axiom ‘As Tennessee goes, so goes Kentucky usually.’ More than that though, the Volunteer state has always provided America with a cornucopia of self-serving, condescending twits.

From Lamar Alexander to Al Gore, it’s statistically undeniable that the next brain numbingly boring person to seize the national spotlight will hail from the rocks and hills of Tennessee. So it’s understandable that in tumultuous 2010, all eyes turn to the state’s gubernatorial contest. Read the full story

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – Ex-Vice President, internet wizard, and noted global climate expert, Al Gore, has unveiled a unique total-green automobile offering that could change the way Americans drive.

In collaboration with Tata Motors of India, Gore has invented a revolutionary vehicle that runs entirely on body odor and emits only a fraction of polluting hydrocarbons. Gore has named the first model after himself, who, according to at least one licensed massage practitioner, has an untapped “wealth of body odor.” Read the full story

At a recent dinner event, Vice President Joe Biden not only gave away classified secrets to the press, but claimed he’s taking credit for inventing intercourse along with Al Gore!

According to a Biden Spokesman, ” Intercourse pretty much goes along with the Vice President’s feelings on increasing taxes too.”

To make things worse, Biden is also claiming the electronic game Wii is also a result of his inventive skills. Read the full story

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Ever since Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2007, he’s been looking for a good investment and now he thinks he’s found it. He’s opening a chain of Reiki salons in Washington, DC. Among the reasons he’s giving for making such a bold business move, Gore came up with these:

*I like the “laying on of hands” concept of Reiki. The magic is in the palms.

*I’ve always been turned on by the phrase “holistic.” Read the full story

PORTLAND, Oregon (GlossyNews) — Police in Portland, Oregon are reopening their investigation into allegations that Al Gore groped and forced himself onto a masseuse at a local hotel in 2006. While not much has been made public about that incident, the one piece of information that continues to come up in news reports is the fact that the masseuse described Gore’s behavior as “acting like a crazed poodle.” Read the full story

BALLSTON, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon. Read the full story

BOSTON, Mass. – Former vice president Al Gore will tell the American Library Association’s (ALA) midwinter meeting here this weekend that he invented the toilet cam. In a draft copy of the vice president’s address that was leaked to Glossy News late yesterday, Mr. Gore declared: “I developed the toilet cam originally just to mess with Tipper and the kids. It (the toilet cam) was something I did in my spare time after I had gotten the Internet up and running.” Read the full story