Tag Archive | "airport security"

TSA Agent Impregnates Passenger


In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the ‘TSA Grope’.

“It’s the only way I could have become pregnant, really,” Ms. Ackerman said, breastfeeding her two-month-old son during our interview.

“The woman obviously didn’t change her gloves between me and the last passenger she examined like she’s supposed to, or she engaged in some sexual act with one of her male colleagues while wearing them, so when she thrust her fingers into my vajayjay multiple times, she must have carried sperm into it from those gloves. I mean, I’ve never had a partner and I’m still a virgin, so I couldn’t have become pregnant any other way.” Continue reading

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Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell


Washington is ablaze with fury after one of Satan’s lieutenants accidentally leaked the conditions of punishment for TSA agents in Hell, which include cavity searches that never ever end.

Buroz Baliferous, a lower demon who works under Satan in the Department of Purgatory Projects, mistakenly emailed details of how the federal workers are treated when they pass through hell’s front gate after a life of pan-molestation to Congressman Hank Johnson’s office. Read the full story

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Snow Miser put on ‘No Fly’ list


Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list.

Mr. Miser, who was trying to get back to his home in the Arctic, didn’t find out that he was on the terrorist watch list until he tried to check in at New York’s Kennedy airport. “You got to be snowballing me”, he said bitterly when informed of the news. Read the full story

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Airport Screenings to Include CT Scans, MRIs, Dental Cleanings


WASHINGTON, D.C. (Glossy News) — Last December, following a foiled terrorist airline attack, airports implemented full body scans, prompting many air travelers to wonder what additional security procedures they would have to endure. The wondering can stop. Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a comprehensive battery of new health care-friendly airport screenings. In addition to full body scans, air travelers will now be able to get free CAT scans, MRIs, dental cleanings and even yearly physicals while going through security. Read the full story

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Med Breakthrough! Airport Body Scans Have Effect “Similar to Viagra”


Washington, DC (BNSE): Department of Homeland Security and Transportation Safety Administration officials gathered today to announce what they call “a stunning medical breakthrough.”

The agencies, tasked with the safety of the United States mainland and passenger air travel, claimed that despite having little or no budget for medical or health care research, “[They] have managed to find valuable secondary benefits to new security surveillance policies and procedures that not only make it safer to fly, but provide hope for those suffering from one of the agencies’ fastest growing medical conditions… male impotence.” Read the full story

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