Tag Archive | "airlines"

9/12 Not Remembered


WASHINGTON – Almost eleven years on from the events of the day immediately following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, millions of Americans will spend tomorrow utterly failing to remember 9/12 – a day which involved hourly repeats of the same, non-developing news story across all the major news networks.

The day, which was followed by the equally unremarkable 9/13, 9/14 and 9/15, is expected to see the nation’s 300 million residents go about their business as if nothing had ever happened. Read the full story

Share

Posted in War ZoneComments (0)

Time Indeed Flies, Airlines Unhappy


Reports that several people witnessed Time ‘flying’ have caused panic in the air-safety conscious offices of commercial airlines.

In a press release addressed to all governments and signed by all major airline unions, it has been stated that, if the sightings are true, if Time is allowed to fly without proper air clearance and regulation all airlines will ground their planes in strike.

The statement also snapped bitterly at Time, implying that the flaunting of flying time was a deliberate aggravation of the airlines pre-existent difficulties with Time.

“All airline companies have had an inability to keep a grasp on Time, often sighting that it has deliberately skipped forward three hours so that they are inundated with complaints from passengers saying their flight has been ‘delayed’. When in reality the plane has been right there on the tarmac ready for take off the whole time.” said Dr Jon Henderson who has a PHD in Time-Airline Relations (TAR).

The hastily written statement comes after several witnesses where having a fun night out in a local bar at approximately 7:35pm. Amy, 29, told us “…I checked my watch and it said 7:40pm and then when I checked again it was 9:56pm. I showed my friend Alison and by the time she looked it was 11:38pm! I couldn’t believe my eyes.”

Another witness at the scene told us he saw it in the sky ‘whizzing’ passed and felt a little ‘giddy’, “I had such a great night and for Time to fly passed was such an amazing feeling, like a whirlwind of laughing and drinking.”

Dr Hendeson speculated that the airlines are concerned about how the Time flights made people feel and that they can be enjoyed for free “…having not been able to replicate any sort of happiness within their companies, it’s tough competition for them.”

Share

Posted in TravelComments (3)

Airports to Employ Eunuchs for Enhanced-Invasive Screening


New York – GlossyNews.com – According to informed sources the government has come up with an imaginative solution to the problem of invasive image scanning at airports.

Many travelers, especially women, have complained about the fact that the new scanning technology in effect showed them naked to the TSA screening attendant. And they have been equally unhappy about the alternative, being “patted-down.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in TravelComments (0)

TSA Groping Incident Attracts New Employees to Agency


LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Glossy News) — Since the recent incident between Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), which involved the now infamous “groping” scandal, travelers are debating whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations have gone so far as to urge fliers to forgo air travel on November 24, historically the busiest day in airports across the country. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, TravelComments (1)

Airline Passengers Share Drop-Down Tray without Consulting Lawyers


Salt Lake City, UT (GlossyNews) — Delta Airline passengers Cynthia Grey of seat 7D and Ed Towson of seat 7F each laid joint tenancy claims to the drop-down tray table in the unoccupied center seat between them upon take-off from Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.

The non-verbal, unwritten agreement was established hastily and without negotiation, just seconds prior to the delivery of Grey’s orange juice and honey roasted peanuts and Towson’s Pepsi and pair of Jim Beam mini bottles. Neither party opted to consult with legal counsel. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Human Interest, TravelComments (0)

Passengers To Clean Airline Cabins, Toilets


Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — Complex merger talks now underway between United Airlines, Continental Airlines and US Airways include a landmark cost-cutting measure that will require passengers to clean the aircraft cabin and lavatories before leaving the plane.

“These discussions are all about finding efficiencies,” said an airline source close to the ongoing negotiations. “The fact is passengers are already onboard the plane. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Biz NewsComments (5)

Airlines Defend Proposed Airfare Hike for “Taking Off”


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — TIME magazine’s cover photo this week of an aged man grasping a pair of testicles was incorrectly interpreted as portraying a Vatican official. It was in fact Reuben Kincaid, American Airlines’ spokesman for the bold new PTC (Placate the Cattle) initiative. The photo was taken by America-hating, closet Islamist Annie Leibovitz. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Biz News, Celebrity GossipComments (0)

Officials Discover Al Qaeda Operating Rogue Aviation Network: Low Fares but Horrible Safety Record


TIMBUKTU, Mali – In early 2008, an official at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security sent a report to his superiors detailing the most significant development in aircraft usage since 2001: al Qaeda has been operating a rogue aviation network. Francis Baldhamer, the official who issued the report, also noted that this increased competition, which promises fares much lower than U.S. airlines, threatens to weaken the already faltering transportation industry. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Biz News, War ZoneComments (0)

Fat People Outraged at Having to Pay for Two Plane Seats


New York, NY Following the recent onslaught on fat people to pay for two seats for a one way, economy class flight, fat people all over the world have finally decided enough is enough with this anatomical discrimination.

Trent Budgwood, chairman of Full Anatomy Travellers ( FAT.org ) an organisation committed to the comfortable travel of above average girthed individuals expressed outrage at the policy being floated by a French airline.

“That episode of ’99 is still as fresh in my mind as my breakfast mozzarella Buffalo milk cheese,” Read the full story

Share

Posted in Biz NewsComments (2)

Storm has DC Scrambling for Staples


WASHINGTON, D.C.— It all began innocently enough with light flakes around noon in downtown D.C. Forecasters warned of 30 inches or more of heavy, wet snow and powerful winds. Devastating for Washington. It would become the heaviest snowfall since January 1922 in the nation’s capital. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Top StoriesComments (0)

Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial