Tag Archive | "africa"

African Dictator Unveils Plan to Combat AIDS Epidemic: ‘Let Them All Starve’


HARARE, ZIMBABWE – Following an emergency meeting with senior members of his ZANU PF Party, longtime ruler of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe unveiled bold new plans Friday to alleviate the country’s growing AIDS outbreak, declaring: “they must all starve.”

Opting to eschew more traditional methods of raising AIDS awareness through community outreach and flyering, Mr Mugabe insisted that AIDS sufferers and people found to be HIV positive should be “cut off from the food chain, so as to reduce our AIDS statistics.” Read the full story

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South Sudan Applies for Name Change


JUBA – The UN has officially confirmed that it has received a name change request from the freshly governing government of the Republic of South Sudan.

South Sudanese President Salva Kiir Mayardit has long expressed regret over what he views as the “hasty decision” regarding the country’s name. Read the full story

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Diet Craze “Famine” Sweeps Hollywood, 3rd World


Madonna has returned from her latest trip to Africa with a new celeb ‘famine’ diet.

Always looking for a way to stay in shape Madonna, 53, has been following a new diet that will dramatically lower body fat, bone density and muscle. Friends of the Grammy award-winning singer said that she was inspired by how easily the children in the Mwingi district, Kenya, followed the diet in order to stay slim.

The diet consists of one small portion of cavassa root and as little as 100ml of water a day. One day a week you are allowed a bowl of ugali (water and maze porriage).

Members of the public who have tried the diet said that they had felt incredibly unwell, tired, weak and dizzy but Stacy from California said that “the diet really works. The weight has just dropped off”.

Other celebrities, such as Jennifer Aniston, have openly shunned this diet opting for the ‘Hospital IV’ drip diet.

 

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Bono and Geldof ask Africa to save Ireland


Soweto: Irish pop stars Bob Geldof and U2’s Bono have announced their latest African tour for October of this year. The tour, aptly named “DebtAid” is set to raise funds and prevent famine in the recession-stricken Irish Republic.

“This time we’ve changed things slightly and decided to tour Africa in an effort to eradicate poverty in Ireland,” explained Bono, whose nation is sitting on a sovereign debt disaster, IMF loans totalling 85 billion Euro, Read the full story

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Mitre Spins as Vatican Does Safety Dance U-Turn


The mother Church of Christendom was roiled this week by excerpts from a new book by Pope Benedict LVMCIII. The book, “Because I said So” has stirred controversy due to several passages wherein the Pontiff clarifies condom use.

Somewhere in chapter XVII of the lengthy tome, Benedict writes the following: Read the full story

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6-Year Old Somali Girl Given Permission to Sail Solo Around the World


MOGADISHU, Somalia (Glossy News) — A six-year old Somali girl has been given permission by the Somali government to sail solo around the world in a 46-foot yacht commandeered by her father in a pirate raid off the coast of Somali earlier this year. The father/ daughter pair have been training for this solo adventure since March in a less-luxurious home-made craft.

When Abdul Omar Khalid got word that American 16-year old Abby Sunderland was setting out early in 2010 to sail solo around the world, he became enraged. Read the full story

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Ugandan Child Soldiers Call “No tags-back” After Attack


Kampala, Uganda (GlossyNews) — Standing proud amidst the smoldering remains of fuel trucks and personnel carriers, 11-year old Ogwambi Sumwego, a commander in the Youth Corps of the Lord’s Resistance Army, screamed “no tags-back” to the fleeing government soldiers.

According to the small-statured Sumwego and his band of pre-teen freedom fighters, the proclamation was meant to assure there would be no retribution for the swift and brutal attack on Ugandan Army troops and supplies.

“I called it,” Sumwego announced while high-fiving his vicious but socially awkward preadolescent soldiers. Read the full story

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Rhode Island Announces Plans to Secede from Union, Align with Zanzibar


Providence, RI (GlossyNews) Finally fed up with being classified as the America’s smallest state and with the perceived lack of respect accompanying that classification, teeny, weeny Rhode Island announced plans today to sever ties with the other 49 states. With size in mind, Rhode Island officials specifically chose to merge with Zanzibar based primarily on the east African country’s physical dimensions.

“We wanted to chose someplace relatively small so that we would seem proportionately larger than we do in the U.S.,” explained Vito Gigante, spokesman for the Rhode Island General Assembly, to no one in particular. Read the full story

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Rodent Rodham Clinton Boosts US Neo-Imperialism in Africa


US Secretary of Sleaze Hilarious Rodent Clinton’s eleven-day tour of Darkest Africa took in seven AIDS-ravaged countries across the malfunctional continent. Read the full story

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Biden Real Hero of Somali Pirate Standoff


In an interview with the Washington Post today, Vice President Joe Biden took credit for resolving the USS Bainbridge-Somali pirate standoff last April. Read the full story

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