Tag Archive | "afghanistan"

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 8 – The Top Dog Meeting

9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED – Part 8 (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7.

The atmosphere in the meeting room was the tensest of any since 911. It was also the most secretive. Cheney had watched closely the actions of his secret service men and had made a special section within them who would answer directly to him and not to their chief.

They had autonomy from the rest of the secret Service. They now guarded, under a form of secrecy never seen before in the White House, a ‘Green Zone’ within the periphery of the meeting. What was unusual was that other politicians were excluded and to be kept in the dark about the assembly.

The other unusuality was that the majority of those in the group were from outside the political sphere, CEO’s, industry representatives and other non-coms were ushered into a meeting that would prove to be as historic as The Yalta Conference- were historians ever to learn of it.

Cheney came in late. All rose in proper respect. But he would not be the main one speaking. He was not the top dog here. The top dog was not even there.

The honor of being the prime speaker would be Marshall Koheso, representative for the Unalgo Petroleum Consortium. He would be speaking on behalf of the President of the Corporation, Johnathon Meyers.

Mr. Meyers had deemed it wise not to be there himself. Even with the tight security he feared that a leak of his presence there would be disastrous both to him and to the company.

So, thereby, Mr. Koheso being little more than an intelligent mouthpiece, got to be King For A Day at the conference.

Mr. Koheso walked up to the podium. He wasted no time in getting to the point. “So, gentlemen, welcome! We have a lot to go over and it would be wise to keep our time here to a minimum and to get as much said in done in as few words as possible.

I am hoping that everyone has their cell phones turned off and, I most sincerely hope that no one is wearing a bug because we are monitoring for such. I don’t need to mention the embarrassment that would occur if we were to interrupt this meeting because someone was wearing one.”

He stopped for a moment and gave a sharp eyed look around the room for anyone looking uncomfortable with that announcement.

“We might as well jump into it. World oil production had reached its peak. The chance of finding more large oil deposits is diminishing. China and India are moving up in their energy usage.

My friends, the world is only so big. There is only so much oil. We need to grab our share while we can. Now we have our chance”

”Ten years ago we engaged in a war to free Kuwait from Saddam Hussein’s domination. We succeeded. And by succeeding we gained the trust and a good percentage of the oil reserves of Kuwait and Saudi Arabia. But we made a bad mistake. We should have taken Iraq as well.

We had them by the tail and we intentionally let go. With oil supplies dwindling it would have been logical to keep Iraq with a quarter of the world’s oil supplies under our thumb.”

“Now the advent of the Afghanistan war has given us another opportunity. Iraq is right next door. This is a golden chance. Everyone thinks the worst of Saddam Hussein. It wouldn’t take much to make it look like he was involved in 911.

Not much at all. If we were to prove convincingly that he was, then we would have an excuse to march back to Baghdad. And it would be the same cake walk that it was the last time.”

“We have been conferring confidentially with military and financial experts about the possibility of launching a strike on Iraq. Most agree that it is a feasible undertaking.

If it were to be done Blitzkrieg style with little announcement, rapid deployment and little interference from outside powers, we could have command of the Iraqi oilfields in a week.”

A murmur of comment sounded throughout the room.

“What would seal the initiative would be if we were to say that Hussein had the ability to launch weapons against us or Europe and make it stick. That would be the clincher.” He waited to let this sink in.

“If we could convince Americans that Iraq could blow them out of their pajamas in the dead of night, Iraq would be ours for the taking. If we could convince at least a good portion of Europeans the same, so much the sweeter.”

He stopped and looked around the room, gauging how they were taking this. He saw reflective, pensive and thoughtful faces, all mulling over what he had just introduced.

He sensed a hesitancy, an unwillingness to go this far. He would have to hammer the last nail in the coffin.

“It is only a matter of time before the oil starts to run short. Do we want the Chinese to get the majority of it? Think of how much they would squander if their 2 billion all got autos. India has one billion people. Between the two of them that is 9 times as many people as are in the United States.“

He let this sink in. “I will put it bluntly gentlemen- if we are to survive we need Iraq! If we take Iraq now, we will thrive at least through our generation.”

He let the hammer fall. “And lets be honest folks, all we really care about it our generation. What happens after we are gone is someone elses problem.”

He went on at length to explain the inaccuracies of the situation to a rapt audience.

Spirited discussion broke out all around him. Some of it was fearful, some aggressive.

While the chatter was going on and the attention was scattered, Koheso carefully worked his way to the edge of the podium, then engaged in some fake dialogue with a colleague at the end of it.

A couple of secret service men in plainclothes surrounded him appearing to engage in conversation, then, when no one was looking, spirited him away through a false panel out of sight of the audience.

Two of the normally garbed secret service agents escorted him up the hidden walkway and out an unmarked exit, making sure he made it to his car unmolested and out the gate.

His disappearance was a major psychological factor of the presentation. His partner Lance Jainson would be left to give a set of predetermined answers to whoever asked. And the answers were all oriented towards war in Iraq.

NEWS FLASH! – “The Pentagon maintains that Iraq has weapons that could cause massive destruction against the United States, Europe and Israel. Officials say that satellite photos have given officials enough evidence to support the theory that the country has missiles with the capability of reaching the United States.

“It is also believed that Saddam Hussein has received the instructions needed to build an atomic warhead from Palestinian agents within his country. Top military Generals are saying that we might need a greater troop buildup in Afghanistan in case things start to get difficult in Iraq.”

— – – – – – – –
To Be Continued…
— – – – – – – –

The complete book of ‘9/12/2001’ is available from lulu.com.


Posted in Politics, Serious CommentaryComments (1)

An Interview With Osama bin Laden (Yes, we know that he is already dead)

… but we aren’t going to let that stop us…

Glossynews has gained the unique opportunity to interview the infamous terrorist Osama bin Laden, the instigator of the 911 attacks on the U.S..

Reaching him at his present location in Purgatory, we were able to have the following conversation with him –

Glossy – Good day, Mr. bin Laden. How are you? Read the full story


Posted in Crime, Strange PeopleComments (1)

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

The Taliban has successfully destroyed every business and killed every non-conforming citizen and foreigner in Afghanistan. Left without an effective economy and without anyone who understands any technology beyond that of making heroin the entire land has fallen into a morass of chaos and starvation.

In light of these developments the Grand Mullah of the Taliban has issued a statement saying that it is allowable for his soldiers of Allah to cannibalize their fellow Afghans.

“It is permissible for those fighting in the name of Allah to partake of the flesh of other human beings. In fact, it is righteous before the Lord to so consume. Those fighting the Infidels must be strong and cannot be hindered by hunger. Those holy Believers who give their lives to feed our heroes should be proud and thankful that they can be martyrs in this way.”

The Mullah has further issued an edict listing the order in which ‘volunteers’ for the emergency food chain should be chosen:

Christians and Jews first. Originally the Mullah had placed them on a strict ‘Do Not Eat’ list because, as he said, they are the equivalent of swine, an Islamic no-no.

Buddhists, Hindus, Jains, Shintos, Satanists and all other religions that do not comply to Mohammedanism. Satanists do not taste particularly good and will perhaps be stricken from the list entirely.

White foreigners.

Paula Dean.

Non-white foreigners.

Non practicing Muslims.




The Chief Mullah has stated that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are clerics to be eaten! This cannot be strongly enough stated! Clerics and Mullahs are Holy men of Allah and were they to be killed the murderer would himself be immediately sent to Hell and made into shish-ka-bob, being turned over a hot fire and devoured by beasts for all eternity!!!

Many Christians have saved themselves from being eaten by declaring that they had just eaten pork, which theoretically would make their own hide unclean to eat, in which case they were merely immediately slaughtered by the Taliban and not consumed.

The lack of any modern conveniences has made it difficult for the Taliban in other ways. For instance Korans can no longer be printed. This leads to a shortage of them, which, in another way aids the clerics. Without so many to read it is easier to change the meanings of the verses to whatever purpose they want, much the way fundamentalist Christian preachers do.


Posted in War Zone, World NewsComments (6)

Osama bin Laden’s Post Mortem Bestsellers

It seems some of our most beloved Middle-eastern dictators penned a few novels before their untimely demises. Momar Khaddafi had written a romance novel before his beating by his own people and his buddy Saddam Hussein before his capture had written four romance (!) novels and had finished another in his prison cell before his execution. Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Strange PeopleComments (0)

Scientists Discover 21 Benefits to Burkas

Burkas are the head to toe traditional wear for adult females in the most fundamentalist of Islamic countries. They are designed to cover up all possibilities of erotic stimulation coming from even the oldest of women.

Standard wear in much of Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia, they are scorned as repressive by women throughout the rest of the world. It bears reexamining, however, as Western women might actually have much to gain from their use. Read the full story


Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (6)

Real Patriots Versus Pretentious Patriots

The term traitor has taken on new connotations in recent years. Once meant to determine someone who has with serious and direct intent caused damage to a nation or its inhabitants; the recent mutation of its meaning is to indicate anyone who says anything against the wishes of those in power, especially prevalent during the Cheney domination. Read the full story


Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (5)

‘Eat-A-Turd for the Taliban’ Big Success In Tribal Afghanistan

AFGHANISTAN (GlossyTribalNews) — In the remote tribal areas of Afghanistan, the Taliban declared today as the official “Eat A Turd For Muhammad Day.” Hundreds of armed Taliban fighters visited scores of remote tribal villages and forced village people at gunpoint to eat crap in order to show their true submission to Muhammad.

Ziki Al-Ghabouni, a spokesman for the Taliban, claims nearly a 100% of villagers participated in the event and only two dozen or so were, ‘sent to meet Muhammad’ for failing to participate. Read the full story


Posted in Religionism, Strange PeopleComments (11)

Michael Steele calls Obama ‘Whitey’

PULASKI, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — Insiders predict RNC Chairman Michael Steele will soon decide to ‘spend more time with my family’ in the wake of his recent faux pas. It appears Steele has violated the most revered tenet of the DC code; don’t make political news in July.

First expressed by President Henry Clay in 1846, the full text of his letter to Senator Byrd reads as follows: “Our Founders were wise, they thought deep. They placed the seat of Federal power in a humid, fetid, hellish swamp because that was a way to keep we blood filled ticks away from the jugular vein of the American people, at least two months out of the year. Any craven blackguard who would draw us back to our desks in July merits the opprobrium of all opportunists.” Read the full story


Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments (2)

Al Qaeda Dusts Off the Usama Bin Laden Doll for Another Video

Cave Town, Pakistan (GlossyNews) — Al Queda has brought their ‘El Cid’ out into the fresh air again to renew belief in their cause and to yank the West’s chain. According to news sources Usama bin Laden has made a new video praising the Nigerian who tried to take down a US airplane with flaming underpants. The only problem with the whole schtick is that Usama is a has-bin Laden. He ain’t no more. Read the full story


Posted in War ZoneComments (1)

Obama Sends Sarah Palin on Secret Mission

Camp David (GlossyNews) — President Obama has promised to grant Sarah Palin her biggest wish ever -an inkling of credibility- if she can locate the most wanted man in the world, Osama bin Laden, and bring back his walking cane.

The ‘secret’ mission dubbed by Democrats as the ‘Bimbo in Limbo’ is a way to show that President Obama is willing to work with Palin, while allowing her to do something productive besides running her mouth. Palin, however, still plans to feed her fans inflammatory statements via Twitter during the entire process. Read the full story


Posted in War ZoneComments (1)

CIA Caught Spying on Afghan Rug – Part I of I

As related to Glossy News by a well informed cabbie in New York City.

Former CIA operative turned whistleblower, Frank Turner, shocked the nation this past Friday recounting his recent hardships in front of a live television audience. Turner, who had remained relatively anonymous after his estrangement, used the attention to direct harsh criticisms toward CIA officials and further expose the organization’s most recent intrusion into domestic affairs. Read the full story


Posted in War ZoneComments (0)

Is the US Losing its Patience with Canada?

Paris, TX — Canada, once one of America’s staunchest allies in North America and a bulwark against growing aboriginal unrest and encroachment of the Scandinavian powers, continues to befuddle the West.

In the 1950s, 60s, and 70s Canada, with the backing of the US and England, grew to prominence in North America. Canada became a ‘strongman’ and a policeman that the West could rely on in a sea of continuous turmoil in a region troubled by the growing influence of capitalism and rock and roll. Read the full story


Posted in World NewsComments (1)

Osama’s Cave Getting Too Crowded

(Information received by word of mouth via the north Pakistan grapevine)

Osama bin Laden’s cave has become crowded beyond capacity due to President Obama’s decision to send an additional 30,000 US troops to Afghanistan. Every Taliban member not busy committing suicide in a crowded place occupied by infidels is pushing to get into the cave as it is the only place where they are guaranteed not to be found by the military. Read the full story


Posted in War ZoneComments (0)

Wounded British Soldiers Ward Off Prime Minister’s Visit

The UK Office of the Prime Minister today announced and welcomed the Army’s 1,000th recruit of the year – sixteen-year-old Private Angus Munt from Glasgow’s Pikey Park Sink or Swim Council Estate.

Conversely the winner of the ‘First Century’ Squaddies-in-Bodybags competition – with the death of the 100th British soldier to ‘cop his’ and get snuffed by Taliban Dan and his gang of Jihadi scallies in Afghanistan – went unannounced. Read the full story


Posted in World NewsComments (0)

Taliban Announces 30,000 Jihadist Surge to Match US

President Obama today announced that in line with the Rothshite Zionist-dictated edict that the United States is not allowed a Middle East or foreign policy separate from – or in conflict with – Israel’s, he will be dispatching an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan to reinforce the ones those nasty Taliban keep snuffing. Read the full story


Posted in War ZoneComments (0)

Top Dog US General: Afghan War is FUBAR

The commanding US general in Afghanistan has called for a revised military strategy, suggesting the current one is totally Fubar.

In a top secret strategic assessment sent to the US Central Command – endorsed with a bright red “Eyes Only : Don’t show more than a Dozen” stamp, four star General Billy Bob McTwattie declared that while the Afghan military situation had been a calamitous screw-up since Day One, the conflict was winnable over the next twenty years – or so – Read the full story


Posted in War ZoneComments (0)

Page 1 of 212
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial