Tag Archive | "affair"

Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair


WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read the full story

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Slime looks forward to joining cesspool in U.S. House


The gelled waste that once held office as South Carolina Governor has been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. The win marks a major political comeback for the slime, Mark Sanford, who resigned after an extramarital glop in 2009.

After disappearing for five days in the summer of 2009, the slime admitted in a news conference he had been in Argentina slushing with his mistress after having told his staff he was scuzzing in the Appalachian Trail. Read the full story

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NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter


WASHINGTON D.C. – National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR “ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest”, a spokesperson for CNN said that “it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years.” Read the full story

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Patraeus Regrets Affair, Mainly “Getting Found Out”


Former CIA director David Patraeus has confided that he deeply regrets much about his affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, but chief among his regrets is that the affair was discovered and made public.

“He regrets that affair on so many levels”, a close associate of his revealed, “but what he regrets the most is the fact that he got found out. For him that’s the part of it that really sucks.” Read the full story

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Leaked Diary from Obama’s Secret Girlfriend


“Obama was sexually warm, but emotionally cool, early girlfriend says”
– headline from The Globe & Mail – May 3, 2012

Entries from the diary of Genevieve Cook reveal the details of Barack Obama’s first serious romantic relationship back in the early 1980s. And now we’re also learning about Mr. Obama’s latest romantic entanglement from the diary entries of someone called the American People:

August 28, 2008
Dear Diary,
I think I’m in love. His name is Barack and he appears to be everything I want in a man. He says all the right things and – be still my heart – he actually listens to what I have to say. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I think he could be the one. Today I officially made him my number one candidate.

November 4, 2008
Well, dear diary, it finally happened. Barack and I went all the way. He’d been suggesting that we become intimate for months and I’d been resisting. After all, there were other suitors and I wasn’t sure if I wanted that serious a commitment. But he finally won me over with his sweet words and bold promises.

January 20, 2009
It’s been a crazy two months and my head’s just been spinning. First I dumped my old boyfriend George and now Barack and I have finally decided to live together. We’ve even made a four-year commitment. No need to rush into things but if Barack is as great a guy as I think he is, then there could be wedding bells in the future. How does eight years in a big white house sound, dear diary?

February 14, 2009
It was awfully sweet of Barack to get me a big present for our first Valentine’s Day but, dear diary, I’m a bit concerned. All through our first months, he kept telling me that he was financially responsible but now it turns out he’s a bit of a spendthrift. To the tune of one trillion dollars. When I confronted him, he just said you have to spend money to make money and not to worry my pretty little head about it.

March 23, 2010
Dear Diary,
When we first started dating, Barack and I talked about having a family. I expressed my concerns about hospital costs and he said not to worry, that he would make sure that we were secure and had full medical coverage. Well, it turns out he wasn’t being completely honest with me. That free healthcare we were going to get now seems to have a hefty price tag and he may not even provide it; we may have to buy it from some insurance company.

November 2, 2010
Dear Diary,
I guess the bloom is off the rose. Maybe in that first blush of romantic love I expected too much. Today I expressed my feelings in no uncertain terms. I told him I was disappointed and decided to take control of the house. I told him I wasn’t necessarily thinking of a divorce, that this was more like a trial separation and that we’d re-visit the situation in a couple of years.

May 3, 2011
Dear Diary,
It’s been a rough few months and I was continuing to have my doubts about us as a couple. For months Barack has seemed distant and withdrawn. He was letting people like John Boehner and Mitch McConnell push him around. He no longer seemed to be that strong man I fell in love with. But yesterday all that changed when I found out that he had given the orders to eliminate Osama bin Laden. I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat and I actually swooned.

May 5, 2012
Dear Diary,
OK, so maybe every romance is like this. After all, you can’t maintain that initial excitement forever. Sure, Barack has his faults and maybe he doesn’t follow through on all his promises. He said he’d get my family jobs and he hasn’t. But he’s really not that bad and can I really do better? There’s that rich, good looking guy Mitt who keeps calling but I don’t feel any magic between us. I think I’ll just wait until November and decide then.

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Top Ten Random Thoughts by Dave on Recent Sex Scandal


10. Work with me, sleep with me – comedy rules.
9. Scandal schmandal, it’s fun to flirt.
8. Robert J. “Joe” Halderman, one more GOP Joe wanting my pants.
7. Thought I could show Obama how to handle his nemesii Beck’n’Baugh. Read the full story

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