Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Read the full story

In yet another breaking story from an undisclosed source that the Palins are divorcing, a supposed cosmetic surgeon in Phoenix has neither confirmed nor denied that she performed a tattoo removal for Sarah Palin. But sources close to the sometimes on again, sometimes off again presidential candidate confirm that indeed, the ‘Todd’ tattoo Sarah got in college has been removed. Read the full story

Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. Read the full story

CHICAGO, IL (GlossyNews) — During an interview in a Chicago bus station on Wednesday, Mitt Romney said, “I think that one of the things that’s very important in running a successful presidential campaign is to make sure that voters can easily recognize what you are known for – those things that really motivate you.” He held up his new signature snow globe with WTF initials inside. Read the full story

Since learning of Phil Harris’ death a few weeks ago, sociologists from U.C. Berkeley have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life — and more importantly, death — in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings. Read the full story

Washington, D.C. – Susie (Suze) Ruze, an aide to President Obama, was reportedly relieved of her clerical duties early Monday morning and her White House e-mail account was suspended. These actions were taken after White House officials had learned that she had sent more than two dozen e-mails to Sarah Palin on matters that would have been classified information had they not been blatant lies. Ms. Ruze is believed to be a member of Women Against Sarah Palin. Read the full story

Where? Back to Alaska?

Little is known about the group calling itself “Paliens” but sources have indicated that they are a group of clairvoyants who are secretly infiltrating Sarah Palin events and using their supernatural powers to alter the intelligence of Palin herself to undermine the chances of the conservative party picking up any further senate seats in 2010. It is believed that the Paliens are part of a larger, more universal group that goes by the name “Libertaliens.” Read the full story

Following the heels of her famous mother, Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin has reportedly been offered a Jr. Political Correspondent position at Fox News for an undisclosed salary.

Fox News would not confirm or deny the news, but instead offered this statement, “until we can confirm or deny this news, we cannot confirm or deny that Bristol Palin will be joining our news team as a Jr. Political Correspondent for the sole purpose of reporting on her mother, Sarah Palin’s, unconfirmed run for President in 2012.”