After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself.
Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists.
“I am very disturbed by what I’ve been reading,” president Obama admitted candidly. “We value freedom of the press and are committed to ensuring its protection. To prove it to you, I’ve tasked Chief Justice Holder with heading the investigation. No one is more familiar with the intricacies and complex machinations of Eric than Eric.”
According to an anonymous inside source, the mood at the Department of Justice during the 45 day review could only have been described as “tense”.
“Wow, right after the president authorized the investigation,” our source revealed, “the Chief screamed for himself to get into his office right away. Then, after slamming the door, we heard things like ‘I’m not messing around, Holder!’ and ‘Do you wanna be back fighting over scraps with the interns?!’ and even ‘You’re lying! I can tell when you’re lying, Chief Injustice!’ It was intense. We thought the Mr. Holder was going to fire himself for sure.”
“Right after Holder had left the Chief’s office, the Chief came over to me and said, ‘I want you to seize Mr. Holder’s phone and email records and put a tap at his home and workplace. I don’t trust that guy.’”
Apparently, these scare tactics went on for weeks and weeks at the DOJ, to the extent that it had a “chilling effect” on the entire department staff.
“We couldn’t do our jobs,” admitted one DOJ worker. “We knew that we were supposed to be targeting investigative reporters but we were afraid that we would be investigated for investigating the investigators.”
But, to the relief of Mr. Holder, the administration, and the entire country, after an unparalleled search and unquestionably rigorous review, Chief Justice Holder has exonerated the Justice department and all its workers of any and all wrongdoing, perceived or otherwise.