Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to join the Mormon Church.
Woods, who has been searching for meaning to his life like a bum searching for change, stumbled upon two Mormon missionaries over the Christmas holidays and has embraced the faith.
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However, the good news didn’t last long for the Church Officials, as only two hours after they announced Wood’s conversion, Woods appeared at the small Jamestown airport, just outside of Chautauqua in upstate New York. The purpose of Woods’ appearance became clear as a beautiful 6 foot blonde Russian hotel concierge, named Irinia Alexandrovna, stepped off the tiny plane.
Woods, who cheerfully opened up for an impromptu press conference, explained that he had turned his life around, or possibly upside down.
“The Mormons have brought me a kind of inner peace that I have been searching for, for some time now. I realize that I can be a successful billionaire and have legitimate access to as many wives as I can support.”
It was then that Tiger broke the shocking news of his impending marriage to Alexandrovna in the spring at Martha’s Vineyard.
Church officials, speaking off the record in Salt Lake City, stated that the LDS Church did not officially sanction polygamy or multiple marriages. They went on to say that they were not aware of Woods’ plans and could not offer an official opinion at the time. Although one elder was overheard saying that Woods was “a freaking stud.”
In related news, CNN talk show host Larry King—also a converted Mormon—was said to be in negotiations with Alexandrovna’s cousin Olga, while CNN analysts crunched the numbers on how polygamy may affect ratings. Meanwhile, Late Night talk show host and philanderer, David Letterman, was seen sneaking a copy of the Book of Mormon from a hotel room in Lincoln, Nebraska, late yesterday.
It never ceases to amaze me that people have so much time on their hands that they have to use that time to mock and criticize others! Isn’t there something else you can do with your time than waste it on things like this. Take the energy you use for this craziness and use it for good.!!!
“Reverend”, all of these people are right, this is extremely offensive to the LDS. You quoted the Doctrines and Covenants almost correctly, but also forgot to add the revelation that polygamy is no longer sanctioned.These jokes are not funny.
Have a happy holiday!
Tyra Mail!
You can not be a member of the LDS church and practice polygamy. Get your facts straight. In 1890, the president of the church officially ended the practice. It’s been well over 100 years. I get so sick of people making ridiculous assumptions that mormons practice plural marriage. I’m LDS, and I appreciate all of those comments from people that stood up for the the LDS faith, even if they aren’t members. As for you, Jamie, how dare you say that mormons are tricked by satan. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about.
Mormons need to have more than one wife. Otherwise they can’t become gods and make it to the highest level of heaven. Crazy Mormons, tricked by satan.
I always thought multiple husbands would be better. 7 husbands. I could be Wednesday husband. The rest of the week, don’t bother me. Have a little getaway apartment, a girlfriend, maybe…. you can only bug me for 24 hours a week….
Just a thought, but I am wondering why anyone in their right mind would want to have more than one wife anyways. I’m a wife and I can double damn guarantee you that I’ve pretty much spoiled the notion of marriage, happy or otherwise, for my husband. Multiple wives? I say the reason Mormon men don’t practice it anymore is that they finally realized that they were only asking for trouble by having not one, but several women telling them constantly to put their dirty socks in the hamper, take the garbage out, don’t burp when there’s company and quit going to Vegas to gamble.
Bob: I’ll be happy to step in as Tiger’s Spiritual Advisor, for my usual fee – 5,000 a month. Unless he wants me to keep it secret, in that case 10,000 a month. Oh wait, is that my usual fee or his?
Haha, this brought the religious bigots and elitist golfers out of the WOODS..
they never had a sense of humor,
Are you a’steppin’ up to help the Tiger Rev?
It’s a sad commentary that people are so insecure that they feel the need to defend an organized belief system. But no one feels the need to defend Tiger Woods. Lord knows with all those wives, he’s going to need some help…
~Rev Mike
Well, Brian, TECHNICALLY, polygamy IS STILL part of the religion. The “instruction” contained in the Doctrine and Covenants Section 132 sets up the doctrine of plural marriage and it was never removed. So while people may not openly practice it, I don’t think God ever withdrew the order…. (NOTE the word “everlasting” I’m not sure if people know what that word means…)
from the “The Official Scriptures of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints”
http://scriptures.lds.org/dc/132
Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Nauvoo, Illinois, recorded July 12, 1843, relating to the new and everlasting covenant, including the eternity of the marriage covenant, as also plurality of wives. HC 5: 501–507. Although the revelation was recorded in 1843, it is evident from the historical records that the doctrines and principles involved in this revelation had been known by the Prophet since 1831.
“61 (of 66 verses) And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse aanother, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.”
I know I’m offended….
I think Josephine is right, this probably is offensive to Mormons the same way Mormons are offensive to gays. Polygamy was an integral part of the religion for a long time, and there are still self-described Mormons continuing the practice. Is it offensive that these things happen, or that people have the nerve to say as much?
If I were you I’d be more offended to be called a Christian. Have you ever seen the horrible things our God did? Talk about a dick! Especially in the old testament he really did some crazy stuff to prove himself.
Paul,
And you don’t seem to have heard of Sarah Palin – the world’s only functioning, living stereotype.
Isn’t calling something a false negative attesting to its real truth?
Things do become much more complexer when you think. Don’t they?
This is very offensive to the Mormons. The jokes are not in good taste.
I like the video “Jesus Christ / Joseph Smith” by Eternal Productions best mormon production I have seen. Well done.
Paul they wouldn’t be stereotypes if they weren’t grounded in truth. I guess you never heard of Archie Bunker or All in the Family. An entire show based on ridiculing negative stereotypes. And, oh, I don’t think we need pretend they are false.
Humour must be rooted in truth to be funny, not in false negative stereotypes.
Tiger who?
Hey Sam, that’s Reverend Idiot to you. And Singer Guy, you are seriously misinformed…. Author and proprietor
Sorry Rev, Sam must be right. If you inflame Mormon sensibilities you must be an idiot… never mind that they think a pan-continental war took place in North America when no such thing did, or that their founding prophet was a known huckster… YOU are the jerkwad. How dare you scribble such drivel!
You’re an idiot. “Reverend” Mike? Maybe you should change the title of “reverend?”
Great article. Wonderful sense of humor I am passing it on to all my friends.
What a piece of tripe article this is! 1) No serious report refers to the senior leadership of the LDS Church as “elders.” 2) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has not authorized the practice of polygamy for more than a century. No one in the faith would talk about the subject in a positive way. 3) The phrase “did not officially sanction polygamy or multiple marriages” sounds like unofficially they do, which is totally untrue. 4) Larry King’s wife is LDS but he himself has not joined her faith.