With the 2012 Olympics well under way, we can only dream of the myriad sports that have been excluded. I’m not talking about Yoga or Calvinball, but some of the other unseen greats. Here are just a few of our yet-to-be-seen future favorites.
Wedding Cake Smashing
Not because I have been jilted or anything, just because there is something so elegant in breaking expensive things. Imagine the stadium, the crowds cheering and the exquisite slow motion replays. The athletes warming up and stretching. Each can choose a method of smashing; baseball bat, tennis racket, golf club or just bare hands, and points are awarded for style, execution and splatter radius.
For all those athletes who hated all the academic subjects at school, now is the time to vent that anger towards an Olympic gold medal. Competitors face each other in sets of two and choose a book to slap each other in the face with…
“Ed Millard is up next, 5 years on the circuit and no medal as yet. He came close last year at the commonwealth but just missed out to Henry Parks.
Closing in on his opponent Jerry Hansel, from Germany, 26, current world champ, he’s got a lot to lose but it looks like Millard wants it more, oh what’s this? The complete works of Shakespeare, my God, this is a game changing move here, he can just about hold it. If he can get the right momentum and swing he may just get the perfect score he wanted all these years, wait for it, he’s swaying heavily, getting ready to swing, oh my, and he’s done it, he’s hit the German down and out.
The red already there on Hansel’s cheek, he’s gotta respect that Millard takes Gold! Ed Millard 28 from Scotland is the Olympic champion.”
Or something like that. Awesome.
Walking on Marbles
Because it would simply be hysterical. I mean, just picture it.
Well I am not so sure we would wish to see this because I think most people would be sick before even swallowing, but athletes aren’t called athletes for nothing. They are called athletes because of their endurance and determination. Now I’m not saying that they would simply train for it and do it if they made it an Olympic game with a shiny medal at the end and a ton of sponsorship deals… but someone sure as hell would. I mean, have you ever even seen Fear Factor?
The fine art of running ones leg around a stick while you keep your forehead on the top, then being able to step away without falling over. I think we should all just go outside in the sun now and do this, gold medal or no gold medal I wish I could watch people doing this all day.
Let’s face it, the games are primarily American, so why not include a true, visceral sport like mud wrestling. Sure, there would be the butch types that threaten to ruin the sport, but to each his own, and even watching a hotty get pinned still carries a certain amount of cache.
Again, a strictly American sport, but since it’s a primarily American audience, why can’t we have it? Picture those cute Korean girls in their short-shorts and stockings. Picture those leggy Norwegians in sparkly knee-pads and yoga shorts. As the world of high-def starts to pick-up steam, nothing could sell more tv sets and subscriptions.
If ESPN has taught me anything, which it most certainly has not, it’s that Poker is a sport. Sure, it’s a sport where a 300-pound man can conquer anything but his desire for another Camel and Rum & Coke, but no less, it’s a sport. There is high stakes, serious competition and international appeal. We need poker.
These are real athletes performing in a real, professional sport. Sure, the question of who would be called in to script the victory would be a matter of hot debate, but it doesn’t mean we should let that be an obstacle to including it in the Olympics. Picture the Body Avalanches and Stinger Splashes once you get the Brazilians and Japanese in the ring. Oh man, it would be just epic.
Time Warp Tap Dancing
Take a time-honored cult classic and give it Olympic props and you’ve got yourself one of the best games to come along since hedge sculpting. Speaking of which…
It’s not just for Disney parks anymore. Nosireee. These athletes know their way around hedge trimmers. It goes without saying that the Japanese team will most likely run away with the gold medal on this one.
Reverse Leap Frog
Just like leap frog, only backwards. Confused? So were we until we saw our first match. It takes a real athlete to be able to throw their hind ends into the faces of their teammates and an even better one to do it ass backwards.
Most people don’t know it, but this sport came about due to the fact that sumo wrestling is not an Olympic sport. And in answer to your obvious question, no, the boppers do not wear diapers in the match. They wear ordinary, humungous gym shorts and cut off tees.
This is one of the more elegant Olympic sports due to the diminutive size of the participants. You think a regular-sized person has a hard time with the Lotus position? Just watch these little folks do it. Pure poetry in motion. And the high-pitched mantra chanting is simply that…enchanting.
You would think that a sport where you watch two people stare at each other would be boring. And you’d be right. While this is not one of the more popular Olympic events, it does, nevertheless, serve a purpose. It allows all the other athletes extra time to practice their skills.
Synchronized Beer Swilling
This was not going to be an Olympic event due to the ‘no-alcohol’ rule for athletes. However, it was decided at the last minute that you can only watch so many gymnasts, swimmers, and pole vaulters before you realize you aren’t getting your money’s worth. Watching athletes get drunk in unison, now that’s a sport.
What sports would you like to see? Explain them in the comments below.
This story also had contributions from Brian K. White