Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

Chicago, Illinois – As the 2015 NFL draft is set to begin tonight at 8pm (est), the scientific community added to the excitement with a groundbreaking announcement last night that the brains of current and former NFL players, Michael Vick and Terrell Owens, are donating their bodies for scientific research. The Brain Injury Association of America, based in Vienna, Virginia released the news during a charity event held annually as part of pre-draft traditions.

“This is a historic day for the National Football League and the Brain Injury Association!” The Association’s CEO, Susan H. Connors said. “Today, we have the brains of our players making the generous decision to donate their host bodies to science for the purpose of expanding our knowledge of how these erratic, yet affluent creatures work,” Connors added, while gently patting the cerebral hemispheres of Michael Vick’s cerebrum just after it removed itself from Michael Vick’s cranium.

According to the Association, the brains communicated their generous request to scientists through an electroencephalography (EEG) machine, a device that picks up brain activity via electrical pulses transmitted by means of magnetic head gear.

“Simply astounding!” Said Electroencephalogist, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper, while showing charts of the communication to the 300 combined players, coaches and sponsors in attendance Wednesday night. “The brains didn’t offer a reason for making their contribution, but said these bodies could go to better use than is being made in their current states,” Heimichschlopper added.

The 80th annual meeting of National Football League franchises selecting newly eligible football players will be held at the Auditorium Theatre on the campus of Roosevelt University and televised nationwide.

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One comment on “Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

  1. A depicting but honest article unfortunately. Thank you for still listing me as a current NFL qback mr. or mrs. cat

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