New York, NY – All eyes were focused on Roger Goodell Wednesday afternoon as the National Football League’s Commissioner was expected to address the media regarding his alleged awareness of the video featuring Ray Rice striking his future wife, Janay Palmer, prior to it being leaked by the celebrity news website, TMZ, late last week.
“I would like to start this conference by addressing a much more serious issue regarding an endangered species, the breadstick,” said Goodell, while holding a basket of warm, buttery breadsticks that he distributed to everyone in attendance.
“Let us forget about our own issues and focus our attention on the taste of these delicious creatures and away from all other perils. That is what the NFL really cares about, the environment and saving these mouth-watering creatures from extinction,” an emotional Goodell added.
The breadstick population has been diminishing ever since the restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, succumbed to extinction earlier this year.
Although many consider this a much less pressing issue than the NFL allegedly covering up the Ray Rice video, the majority of the media at the conference seemed satisfyingly relaxed after munching on the fresh baked goods.
“I noticed when I arrived that Roger had the breadstick basket and a large bowl of chicken-fried-rice behind the podium, so I was curious what direction he was going to take,” said Mitch Garbrani from Channel 10 Brooklyn. “However, breadsticks are my favorite food so I guess I can forgive him,” Garbrani added.
The conference lasted for about ten minutes following the Commissioner’s speech as breadstick-shaped napkins were handed out along with individual cups of marinara sauce for those that preferred it over the normal hot garlic butter.
For the time being, it appears that Goodell has successfully sidestepped the Ray Rice issue similar to previous NFL scandals such as “Ryegate” in 2007 and “Breadgate” in 2011.
Finally the breadsticks have their day.
I may be a wife beater, but deyeasting breadsticks is crossing the line. Where is TMZ when you need them?
I may be a wife beater, but I will not stand around and listen to you deyeast these endangered items. Where is TMZ when you need them?
A basket full of penises is bad, M’Kay?