Manning Joins Broncos, Tebow Converts to Paganism

DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”

The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.”

“Look at that,” Tebow added after Manning completed a 35-yard skinny post into quadruple-coverage with a flick of his wrist, “God could play cornerback – with Christ at free safety and the Holy Spirit at middle linebacker – and Manning would still throw for 400 yards.” The players gathered around the field grimaced and moaned after Manning’s 60th pass fell to the ground for His first incompletion; the 7th-string tight end was so well covered that he’d given up on the play, only to get hit between the numbers with the pigskin. Tebow shook his head; “He’d get 450 yards if the starting receivers were playing.”

All that the Broncos have to do is sign the football legend that is Peyton Manning to put an end to the most sought after free agent football has ever seen. Neither side in the negotiations have specified how much Manning will make, though sources close to the proceedings have rumored that the contract had to be re-formatted to include enough space for the extra digits. The Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, reported receiving a phone call from Governor Hickenlooper of Colorado, asking how much he wanted for the province of Saskatchewan. After expressing dismay at the amount, Hickenlooper reportedly asked if Harper would consider throwing Nova Scotia into the deal to “match what’s being demanded in tribute.”

With Manning on his way in, however, Tebow will either be traded or benched. When asked how he feels about spending the remaining 3 years of his contract without taking a snap, the Broncos’ pious left-hander responded, “I would be honored to watch Manning play from the sidelines. The more I watch Him play, the more certain I am that He is a God. Matthew 19:24 mentions the camel going through the eye of a needle. Well damn, man, I just saw Manning stick a football in that guy’s nostril from 20 yards. Through triple coverage. This is His temple. Unworthy I am to touch a football in it.”

Author: Sean Myers

Sean Myers is a professional writer and legal blogger. He lives in upstate New York.