The Official Guide To Almost Injury-Free Snowboarding

Despite the fact that you hate the cold, hate putting on piles of clothing and hate rocketing yourself off a mountain at the speed of sound because it could possibly kill you, you still have to look cool for your friends. Snowboarding is a great way to accomplish all that. So, if you must take up the sport, here are a few tips that may help you survive.

First you’ll need to get yourself a deathboar….uh snowboard. This is a layered fiberglass board that has been specially processed and curved to look super cool and get down a mountain super fast. One little known fact about snowboarding is that you do not really have to risk life and limb going downhill on it to be considered cool by your friends. Simply display your snowboard prominently in your living room where drinking buddies and girls can glance at it admiringly, oohing and aahing over its gnarliness.

For those of you who want to take the plunge so to speak and actually ride it downhill, here are some important tips:

(Note: If you don’t have the cash to buy a snowboard, your mom’s old ironing board will work. Just gnarly it up with spray paint and decals and no one will ever catch on, except maybe your pals who come by to “ooh” and “aah” over it. In that case, just get them drunk enough beforehand and you won’t have any problems.)

The bottom of the snowboard should normally be smooth. Some boarders rework the bottom removing gouges and holes to make it travel smoother and faster. This is suicide. As an experienced snowboarder, let me say you do not want this flying harbinger of death going any faster than it needs to. Most mountain trails are littered with trees and rocks placed there by ski officials who want to weed out the poorer skiers and purify the ski racing stock. These trees and rocks will work amazing transformations on your face and limbs if you give them a chance. I say take a chisel and put MORE gouges and pits in it! The more the merrier. The more friction you can create, the less chance you have of accidentally French kissing a birch.

Next, you’ll need bindings. Bindings were invented by sadistic snowboard engineers who get a perverse delight at the thought of having a person’s feet fastened tightly to a snowboard as it careens uncontrollably down a mountain at warp speed towards whatever gruesome fate awaits them while they try vainly to stop themselves from the horrible sudden death stop that lurks somewhere ahead. Bindings lock your feet to the board and thereby also lock the possessor of the feet to all manner of physical objects that the board will encounter in its mad flight, much in the same way kamikaze pilots were bolted into their airplanes before making their last and most dramatic flight.

Most importantly, you’re gonna need a helmet to protect the brain. In the case of most snowboarders, however, you’ll find that this is a trivial thing. Scientific evidence suggests that choosing this sport in the first place is a strong indicator that there isn’t much up there to protect in the first place.

Goggles also are another basic essential. However, I recommend blacking out the eye pieces to save you from the effects of the trauma you will experience as you see your karma rushing towards you. If you’re short on cash, a couple of kid’s pirate patches will do nicely.

Well, that’s it. You are set to go. Spend the remainder of your paycheck buying a lift ticket to get you to the top of the mountain. As you gaze in terror at the abyss below waiting for you to leave your own distinctive trail prints (which may or may not include bits of flesh and blood), it is always wise to say a prayer or conduct whatever religious ceremony you do in your head in times of extreme danger. If you aren’t religious already, I recommend converting to sect of your choosing immediately. In fact, to cover all your bases, you might want to say your prayers to several different supreme beings even if you haven’t been in a house of worship in your life.

If you do miraculously make it to the bottom alive while still possessing most of your bodily parts, you may just feel inspired to start your own religion.

Addendum- In the event of any injuries or difficulties resulting from the application of techniques described in this article resulting in court proceedings, please be informed that my real legal name is ‘P. Beckert.’