Lawyers Clash in Gay Purity Case

Las Vegas, NV (GlossyGaySports) Legal scholars hint that far reaching precedent may be the outcome of Dan Steele vs. Gay Bowling League America, set for opening arguments next week. At issue is GBLA’s stripping Steele of his 2009 championship, but Columbia’s Lance Forestall is among many who speak of wider implications.

Professor Forestall said, “We’re all aware of the surface facts. A losing contestant protested Steele’s victory on grounds of non-gayness. Steele’s defense was bisexuality, but after a ninety minute grilling, the steering committee doubted even Steele’s bisexuality. The case may seem a novelty, but this thing is really, really far reaching.”

Forestall went on to explain that no one has ever sought to prove their gayness before. Politicians, athletes, and entertainers have long insisted on their straightness, stretching back to Martin Van Buren’s ‘He was only showing me his tattoo’ defense in 1830, but an assertion of one’s gayness is absent from the canon of American Jurisprudence.

“Apart from character witnesses, I don’t know how one would prove his bisexuality, short of video of course. And then there is the more interesting point, guaranteed to put this one in history books; a purity standard for minority status. If one’s intimate encounters are fifty percent same-sex, does he qualify for membership? What about thirty percent? Could be the days of unchallenged self-identification are over. How African-American must one be for affirmative action programs? How dyslexic must a student be to merit extra exam time? I foresee many lawsuits, dependent on the Steele vs. GBLA verdict. I know several attorneys who are already adding paralegals.”

Forestall, himself a former litigator, sketched out how he thinks the trial will proceed. “Steele gets his father to testify, GBLA concedes bisexuality, and then stresses free association rights of private Orgs. Steele will argue many GBLA members have children from former marriages. GBLA counters that was prior to coming out, Steele argues all formerly married GBLA members are bisexuals in denial; I say he wins.”

Professor Forestall agreed, it certainly is a lot of fuss over the GBLA eighteen inch tall ‘golden pin’ trophy, which looks a lot like something, but not a bowling pin.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.