In a gently-conducted interview (surprisingly gentle!) on his home turf of MSNBC, Bill Clinton has actually admitted telling a lie.
Huh? Ya what? Yes, this is pretty much unprecedented in American history. See the following astonishing words from Clinton:
I actually never knew how to play the saxophone. I was more a steel guitar or Indonesian gamelan man.
I am kind of sorry, in a way; just a little bit. I mean, I’m sorry to have to tell you, anyway…
Well, sorry enough, if you know what I mean.
You know, this burden has been weighing on my mind a long time, and I assure you I have absolutely no ulterior motive whatsoever, for disclosing this information…
I mean not really, and no-one is trying to blackmail me; not much.
Well, not at all, actually. Well um… damn, words not coming out right… I mean, couldn’t you have got me a teleprompter?
I mean, teleprompters work pretty good for that President Obama guy. He’s a damn good President. If perhaps not quite the best of the past few decades, admittedly…
And it’s not like he had any serious competition for the ticket anyway…
Oh, shit… I’m in trouble now! I swear by all that’s good and holy (in the most non-perjurious way possible), that I’ve never done anything really bad in the past…
But this one time in my life, just this once, I’ve spoken out of turn. And about the previous Democratic ticket, no less? Hill is gonna kill me for this!
… Look, on the balance of probability, I’m probably a person that’s just too important to just randomly disappear for no apparent reason. (Psst…. remember darling, I just used our code word. Please be merciful to me).
Yes, someone as important, beloved, and historically significant as me can’t just vanish off the map under mysterious circumstances.
I mean, I’m not a stupid fake country like Yugoslavia!
And I’m not a nobody, like all the fictive, irrelevant non-entities that the stupid conspiracy theorists are making up stories about.
Still, I’m not saying anything bad or unbearably tragic’s gonna happen, like some gaping hole and wound in the emotional fabric of our nation, like JFK but a billion times bigger…
But still, I guess if you guys don’t hear from me in the near future, remember I’m a good man who always told the truth, and always did the right thing, especially when people’s eyes were fixed upon me, for whatever reason.
Anyway, that’s right: any fascinating and intriguing rumors you may hear in the future about a certain Costa Rican drug cartel kingpin threatening to disclose uncomfortable information about me may be…
Sorry, absolutely are, entirely false, malicious, and probably just made up on the spot.
Still, I just want to do the right thing, hold my hand up, and say I’m sorry; well, I mean sorry, yeah; like, you know, within reason.
Interestingly enough, Republicans are already scrambling to make a post-presidential impeachment.
For one, Michelle Bachmann suggests:
See, Indonesian gamelan… well, isn’t Barack Hussein Obama supposed to have spent every stupid day of his entire stupid life in Indonesia too? Are you thinking what I’m thinking?™
However, others are less sanguine on the prospects of nailing Bill to the Hill. Newt Gingrich murmurs:
This is bad news. So far, no-one has made any progress with this post-presidential impeachment…
Yeah, I’m pretty much a practical man, not an idealist… and I’m worried that if this turns out to be a wild goose chase, we may just end up wasting time with mutual mud-slinging and the politics of disagreement™.
Still… I mean, if we can’t even impeach Bill Clinton, after all these years, what hope have we of impeaching Obama? I mean, Obama is much cleverer than Clinton. He got to edit a major law journal, without even getting it on affirmative action!
Bill O’Reilly, agreeable as usual, concurs:
Just this once, I’m with that center-leaning socialist-extremist equivocator. Newt’s not far off the mark, this ONE time; but I guess every compromising, double-dealing RINO has his day.
Well, yeah… a corrupt, malingering, tyrannical, warmongering POTUS getting impeached? It’s probably too much to ask.
Um… by the way, just want all of you to remember that the guy we just quoted said that Obama DIDN’T get it on affirmative action; not that he DID.
Yes, please don’t put some malicious racist spin on those words, because the man we just played here was actually genuinely trying to be civil, and to say the right thing…
By emphasizing how the President actually DIDN’T require any special help or assistance to overcome any supposed shortfalls in his academic capabilities that wackjob racist fanatics might have unjustly, tragically and heart-breakingly attributed to this genuinely, genuinely inspirational and and articulate figure.
I mean, racism is something that far-out fanatics like David Duke do; it’s not an everyday phenomenon perpetrated by common, standard-issue average folks like you and me.
I would have brought a quote from Hillary Clinton too, but all I could hear was the grinding of teeth. Pity.