Categorized | Human Interest, Music

Chamberlain’s Army (Parody of “Oliver’s Army”)

Chamberlain’s Army (Parody of “Oliver’s Army”)

Disclaimer:

I have tried to write an alternative to Elvis Costello’s “Oliver’s Army,” under parody and fair use, as a tribute to Costello’s song.

As someone from Northern Ireland, my reading of the original song is that in in times of armed conflict, practically no-one gains anything.

No disrespect to Elvis Costello and the Attractions, or any other form of presumption, is intended. I also do not anticipate or imply any endorsement, criticism, or other value judgment on the part of the original song writers and performers.

Similarly, I don’t intend my parody to be either uncritically pro-British or uncritically anti-British. The British government do not represent every British citizen, any more than Presidents Bush or Obama represent all US citizens, many of whom are tired of war.

It’s often said that a parody fair use comments on the original song; and not only on external factors (such as decades of foreign adventurism, with no end in sight). See the comments at the end.

Chamberlain’s Army

Don’t contradict me
I could talk all year

I’m freedom’s PM
But you needn’t fear

No cynical misinformation
We don’t deal in occupations

Chamberlain’s Army is far away
I sent our soldiers, who cares anyway?

Even if they’d rather be anywhere else
Than over there today

I’m full of jokes and banter
Famed for my genial PM’s smile

But it’s no laughing matter
When you’ve been sent two thousand miles HA HA!

Just send us some tinpot Führers
Or at least a gang of Westminster perverts

The world is up for grabs
White House says ‘Kill More Arabs’

They don’t like Africans too
London Gov’s not keen on Jews

Nor Chinese, Romanians or Polish, who knew?

Darling boy now, listen, when I say this
PMs never take the piss

If you lose an arm or leg
You won’t be sadly missed

As long as you’ve got functioning sight
Trust me, we’ll make sure you’re all right

But if you lose your feet
We’ll tenderly chuck you out on my golden little street

You act as though it’s prostitution
Why no! War’s the noblest, oldest institution

If you dare claim we pimps have ruined your life
Just see what we will do to your wife!

Chamberlain’s Army is far away
I sent your father, who cares anyway?

Even if Daddy’d rather be at home with you
Than over there today

Discharged? You say we should do more
Darling you are such a bore, you see?

You are only of interest to MY national interest
When you can fire a gun for me!

So what, now your spouse needs money?
Now LISTEN when I say this, honey!

There’s a weighty artillery of OBJECT-ive constraints
Resources stretched, now DON’T complain

Love, I’ve made a “STATE” of emergency
Now hush up good boy listen to MY plea

Suck it up and live MY imperial dream
In the desert NO-ONE in Downing Street can hear you scream

Chamberlain’s Army is far away
I sent your mother, who cares anyway?

Even if Mummy’d rather be at home with you
Than over there today

Oh, sweetheart, CEASE your wheeze
Sincerely, without a HINT of sleaze

You’ve done your duty now
So you can hold your beggy-bowl proud

The feisty bitch quibbles over QUIDS and quods
As though YOU knew the will of God!

But destiny lies in OUR handsome hands
Now kitty, hobble pretty with your merry little band

You say now your health is poor
Now darling, I am quite sure

If only you had played the MAN
You could have benefited our MASTER plan

Pray don’t pout that you’ve lost eight fingers
Why the lovely girl’s like a spoilt prima donna singer

So now you’re deaf? Sponging lady, listen to me, honey
How can THAT justify demanding all MY money?!

Now what, splendid luvvie, cat got your tongue?
Or is pains from the war-burns of one’s bum-bum?

Can’t bear silly girls who promiscuously plead
I can buy more shit like you for free!

Now at least it’s plain to me
That it’s no sinful purchase in a free economy

Enter my cavern, hungry furnace, do comply
I never knew they stacked pleb scum that high

Chamberlain’s Army is far away
King Richard’s the boss now, who cares anyway?

But we would rather be governed by
An honest PM today

DON’T HOLD THE LINE
DON’T SIT AND WHINE
IT’S NOT TOO HARD TO SEE

IF WE DON’T SPEAK UP
WHEN WE’VE THE CHANCE
NEXT TIME IT’S YOUR FAMILIES

THE GOV CAME FOR SOLDIERS FIRST YOU SEE
AND SOME DID NOT SPEAK UP

AND THEN IT’LL BE OTHER KINDS OF PEOPLE
AND STILL YOU DON’T SPEAK UP

HOW MANY MORE KINDS OF PEOPLE
MUST BE THE PREY OF OUR PMS

UNTIL THERE’S NO ONE LEFT TO CONDEMN
OUR POLITICOS FROM HELL

AND IF WHEN WE DIE THERE‘S ANY KIND OF DREADFUL JUDGMENT DAY
I’D RATHER BE ANYONE IN HISTORY OTHER THAN A WARMONGERING PM
!

Comments:

I would say that the commentary on the original song itself is manifest in two ways (at least):

1. The narrator of the original song, “Oliver’s Army,” is a haunted observer, shocked by his observations. But my narrator is a fictional British Prime Minister of the near future. Thus, I illustrate (rather than state) the fact that while an intimately involved observer can be a good judge, so can the person committing the atrocities in question.

2. Those same people who commit atrocities can have “enlightened false consciousness,” as the social critic Peter Sloterdijk would put it. Or as Jacques Lacan said: “I know, but all the same…”

This is a question arguably left unanswered in the original song; so I provide a different angle, which I hope contributes to the complexity of the themes under discussion. (The original song itself is pretty profound).

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- who has written 322 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Conspirator-in-Chief of the Peace Criminals Project: Neocon Surveillance& Satirical-Industrial Complex! Also published on a range of satire sites. Currently co-editing Glossy News (under the webmaster, Brian K. White). Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! David Cameron says I am a #TerroristSympathizer. Islamists say I am an #Islamophobe. New Atheists think I am a #CravenApologistForPrimitiveBronzeAgeSuperstitions. MRAs & Alt-Right think I'm a #MatriarchalCuck. Others say I'm a #StraightMiddleClassWhiteBoy. And still more think I'm a #FuckingPleb. Just another edgy day at the Satirist's office! I am the Mayor of the Zero Fucks Community ;) @w_runnymede (Twitter) wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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