Billionaire businessman David Koch, known for his political activism, entrepreneurial prowess and world-renowned collection of money has invited photographers and journalists in to see his private collection first hand.
David and his brother Charles both inherited a large, private collections of money from their father, Fred Koch, the chemical engineer responsible for building refineries which would eventually make their sons world-class businessmen* and even greater collectors in his footsteps.
“This collection,” said David Koch, “represents so much of… what are you doing? Stop recording, we’re off the record.”
Photographers were allowed to photograph vast piles of artistically displayed Euros, US Dollars, illegally smuggled Chinese Renmimbi, and a 50-foot statue made entirely of Krazy Glued solid gold embargo-era Krugerrands coins in the form of a minotaur with two torsos, which bear an uncanny resemblance to David and Charles Koch. As a side note, the statue had three penises, so I’m not sure what to make of that.
Journalists from the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and The Blaze were allowed in to snatch at money as quickly as they could. We didn’t see the New York Times writer after this point in the tour.
The next step of the tour was a brief wine tasting, which was oddly compulsory. Full disclosure, I and all other journalists and photographers in attendance drank free wine, which we were assured was very aged, bouquetish and expensive. One photographer had a tannin allergy, so he was only required to drink two glasses.
The final stop on the official tour was a swimming pool filled with silver nickels, non-circulating thousand dollar bills which had been simply destroyed by the churning coins, and the most beautiful women in the eyes of 80 year old men. They weren’t just geriatric, they were simply retched.
One journalist brought out some change to throw to them, then realized they’re already sitting atop well over $4 billion in cash, and there would be no way they’d take home his swiftly chucked nickels any more than a paycheck, or indeed, even their own freedom.
“This money just sits here doing nothing. It’s my personal collection,” said Koch. “It doesn’t add to the economy, it doesn’t trickle down, it’s just on display for my amusement, and I’m expanding it by the day.”
Koch added, “We’re going to ratchet up heating oil rates this winter. A lot of it is going to be covered by subsidies and grants, much of it by draining the savings from people with savings, but the as for the rest? Well, maybe you should invest in a sweater.”
One of Mr. Koch’s personal body guards, a nine-foot tall titanium robot named “Murder Machine” turned to us and held up what I suppose could be called a death-cannon-gun-hand.
“Oh, sorry,” said Koch, “This part is off the record. Also, don’t mention the 600-pound robot. Besides, the next generation is easily 30-pounds lighter and runs entirely on bunker oil.”
At the end of the tour, all of our notes and cameras were confiscated and destroyed, one by one, by David Koch himself, who had taken his pants off, greased himself heels to ears in Canadian Oil Sands Tar, screaming with rabid, childlike delight upon the destruction of each device.
Apparently the waiver we had signed coming in the door had permitted this in the tiny 300,000 acre parcel off the west side of the Kansas border prohibited from governing by US state or federal laws.
We were each given a $10,000 voucher for replacement of our gear and ushered into what was called the “Recovery Room” where complimentary drinks and snacks were offered. There was also an antidote for the poison in the wine on offer at the “low, introductory price” of $10,000 per dose, with no indication of how many doses it would require.
While our $10,000 vouchers couldn’t be applied to this balance, most outlets managed to wire the money in time. Huffington Post writer Jason Margbard succumbed when assured that out of the $315 million given on sale of the publication, only $482 was available for antidote, but that more might be sent next month if his article went viral.
The only other casualty was Mad Dog Davy “Dig Dog” Davis from WKRK in Tuscaloosa, who was only there to do a live zoo-crew morning broadcast. Plaza Hyundai, Hummer, SmartCar & Tesla extends their deepest sympathies.
David Koch is known both for founding the David H. Koch Institute for Integrative Cancer Research at MIT, as well as supplying a steady stream of study participants by giving cancer to many of those who slowly and eventually die there from groundwater and on-the-job contaminants.
David along with his brother Charles both personally drove down to the Cuyahoga River in Ohio, dumping trunk-load after trunk-load of benzine and other toxic contaminants, but then personally lit it aflame, then danced on the burning river piers until police arrived and joined them in ceremonial dance. But reps for the Koch brothers hasten to point out that this only happened in 1952, 1962, 1965 and 1968, “plus maybe a couple other, isolated times. I mean, come on.”
* CORRECTION: In the second paragraph we used the word “businessmen”, but the intended descriptor was “assholes”. We apologize for any confusion.
** CLARIFICATION: Residential stories, not commercial stories. We apologize if this made any late-breaking stories inaccurate.
