GlossyNews Finds Man Who’s Never Heard of Obama or Romney

(GlossyNews) — Deep in the swamps of Louisiana, reporters for GlossyNews have discovered a man who has never heard of either presidential candidate. He is believed to be the last of his kind.

Inviting the curious journalists inside his spacious hollowed out tree, Boudreaux Fipps III, age 80-something, stunned the expedition with his total ignorance of politics.

“I used to live in that cave over there but it had some plumbing problems,” he said in a dialect so thick, all the reporters could do was nod.

Under the strictest of scientific conditions, the reporters carefully opened a hermetically sealed manila envelope and showed the eccentric hermit a picture of candidate Mitt Romney. When asked if he knew who the man was, Fipps shook his head.

“No idea, but he looks like a good, God-fearing Southern-Baptist boy,” he remarked. But when informed Romney was, in fact, a Mormon, Fipps took immediate offense. “Ain’t no need to go calling people morons, now!” 10 minutes later after clarifying the Church of Later Day Saints, the concept of “wealth” and Mitt’s presidential candidacy, Fipps exclaimed, “Holy Tap-Dancing Jesus!!!! What’s this country come to?” This appeared to be the perfect time to unseal a photo of Barrack Obama. When asked who THIS man was, Fipps laughed and replied, “With a suit like that, the defendant in something!”

Things deteriorated rapidly. After informing Fipps that this was actually the President of the United States, Fipps first exclaimed, “Riiiiight! Next you’ll be trying to tell me southerners vote republican.” In hindsight, the reporters probably should have just let that go…but they didn’t…whereas Fipps flipped out, produced a shotgun and ordered the reporters to get off his lawn. As the crew sprinted away, Fipps could be overheard ordering an empty chair to “Get a message to General Lee!”

Scientists are planning another expedition to the bayou that Fipps calls home sometime early next year, in the hopes of gaining insight into his grasp of modern pop culture. GlossyNews reporter, “Kilroy,” declined to be identified but was anyway. He adamantly refused to return to the swamp but mused, “I just can’t wait for them to show Fipps an episode of Modern Family.”