FORT WAYNE, IN – In an apparent emotional outburst Saturday, the angsty northern half of Indiana lamented that it “was no way near as pretty as The South.”
Assessing its many unsightly industrial towns, The North admitted it was jealous of places such as French Lick and West Baden Springs, insisting that it would “never in a million years be able to look as opulent and grand.”
“Southern Indiana is just so pretty at this time of year,” said the insecure 196-year-old, looking enviously at pastoral images of Brown County.
“I’ll never be able to have miles and miles of beautiful orange-brown leaves and winding hills. Instead, I’m stuck with Gary.”
Though the surrounding states of Illinois and Michigan have routinely encouraged it to see that “true beauty comes from the inside,” The North has hinted that it might as well just not show its face during the winter months, arguing that “all of that stupid snow makes me look freaking terrible.”
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to The North, Southern Indiana cried itself to sleep Friday, wishing it was good enough to command breathless views of Lake Michigan.