Who was the Illuminati’s PNAC stooge that got the US embroiled in two illegal foreign wars – solely to steal oil and opium – then a monster recession of Biblical proportions – ending up his two dodgy four-year terms with a terminal public approval rating of a toxic 2%? (In Texas.)
Why, George Dubya Bush, of course – for it was he – who since 2001 has inspired millions of people to commit suicide or smite thy good neighbour – and even vote Democrat — is now about to set out on a new career as a highly-paid ‘motivationalising’ speaker.
On Monday the former Republican Neo-Con’ President – a man who actually talks to God – will appear as the headline speaker on the popular Get Moronvated seminar programme, which describes itself as an “action-packed, inspiring business event that is world famous for its war criminal superstar speakers – like Tony Bliar – and now laugh-a-minute clots like Dubya Bush.
The Shrub is already booked to appear in San Antonio in December – supervising the Santa Claus grotto at Wal-Mart and ‘inspiring pre-schoolers to sign up to serve Uncle Sam as the next generation of cannon fodder’ – if they manage to survive their H1N1 Sneezy Pig flu shots.
Monday’s scheduled Forth Worthless event at the Homer Simpson Institute for Advanced Political Science will also feature a celebrity host of other practiced public liars including Co-lin Bowell, a failed Secretary of State; Rudy Lyingit, the former New York Mayor who told the city’s residents – post 9/11 to ‘Breath deep n feel the Force’- and Rick Bellendo, the one-time Microslop executive who claimed Vista was a ‘great system’.
The Get Moronvated programme has been a huge business success, but the appearance of the Shrub at a seminar about, among other things, “How to Master the Art of Effective Leadership” has produced guffaws and outsold world-class stand-up comedians in DVD sales.
“Only the top political scumsters appear on our stage!” declares the Get Moronvated website – further claiming Monday’s event will be a sensational “moronvationalising mega-show that packs more inspirational firepower than a stick of silly putty or a Mexican cattle prod!”
Yet Dubya will probably have the last laugh: he is being paid a reported $100,000 for each appearance. His wife, Laura, is also speaking for Get Moronvated at other events around US state prisons, meaning the former First Couple could have earned what accountants call ‘lots and lots of money’ by the end of the year.
Bush’s handlers are planning to commission a ghost-written book on his catastrophic presidency : The Year of the Goat – to be co-authored with Casper – which can also be read up-side-down – in addition to building a presidential library from tossed out knidergarten books and iconic super hero comics – and all that from a man who’s as literate as a Louisiana swap alligator and is in the Guinness Book of Idiotic Records for his myriads of grammatic faux pas.
Fellattia van der Gamm, the executive vice-president of Get Moronvated, informed a reporter from Fux News “It‘s the pits to bore people with a presentation so speakers need to add humour to their presentations by studying stand-up comedy – and who is a better natural than Dubya on that score, I ask you? – this is the man who put the ‘P in Prat’.”
George Dubya will also share his thoughts on decision-making and managing complex situations – like how to juggle two illegal foreign wars – with the publication of a series of “Ask Dick or Laura’ books – to ensue he and Casper’s best-selling political crime thriller ‘Scooter gets off Scot-Free’.
His new ‘Get Motivationalised’ DVD, released last week, now tops the world-wide comedy chart sales – and is reported to be so funny that several people have died from laughter while viewing it – especially the segment where the entire lecture hall audience of thousands stand up in unison and start throwing shoes at him.
The DVD has been greeted with abhorrence and duly castigated by Muslim viewers – especially so Bush’s numpty references to “Giving ‘Big Al’ Qaeda and his Islama-do-dang buddy Taliban Dan a dose of Uncle Sam’s special ‘Shock n Awe’ pie” – plus how Dubya’s good pal God would “knock six kinds of shit outa their Allah guy in a fair fight.”
However, after Dubya stated for the record while on the presidential election campaign trail in Michigan, September 2000, that – “I know human beings and fish can co-exist peacefully” – there’s hope for us all.