Here are the rest of the commandments the Watchtower is graciously bestowing on the followers of Jehovah…
In order to facilitate any relatively ethical, accountable and non-abusive uses of the generally satanic and perniciously demonic spiritual technology known as “blood transfusions.”
But I’m also repeating commandments 1 to 5 from the previous instalments.
Well, I’ve been instructed that hammering this shit into people’s ears 24/7 is the most spiritually effective (not to mention materially lucrative!) strategy.
1. You’ve never eaten pork.
But if you’ve ever been specially instructed by God to do so, we may just let it slide. Make sure you check with us first though, because we can discern this s*** much better than you can. 😉
2. None of your ancestors (unto the 70-times-70-eth-yada-yada-yada generation, both past and future), have ever eaten or will ever eat pork.
Any questions, ask Jehovah, but make sure you don’t make a false prophecy that merely follows your own whims. You know the Bible says that the Jews used to stone false prophets for doing that s***!
3. You’ve never been married to a pork eater.
4. You’ve never fornicated with a pork eater.
5. You’ve never committed adultery with a pork eater.
6. You’ve never been baptised by a pork eater.
7. You’ve never attended a church where pork-eating or having unclean thoughts about pork-eaters is other than condemned in the harshest, most stringently threatening terms imaginable.
8.You’ve have never seen, heard, smelt, tasted, felt, or so much as even dreamed of a pig; in the flesh or otherwise.
Yet, heavenly visions that were compassionately granted by Jehovah for purely noble and spiritual purposes are OK.
Seek advice (of the appropriately remunerable kind, needless to say!) from the most enlightened authorities on this one.
I.e., us.
9. You have never lived with 500 miles of a pig farm.
To aid your feeble comprehension, I’m not putting in the proper Biblical measure here.
Ahhh, indeed. How deeply gracious is Jehovah unto you!… So DON’T YOU DARE disappoint him!
10. It’s maybe not so appropriate to write this one out explicitly. If any of you know Leviticus 18, you can probably see where I’m going with this one…
Wadasay? Well no, no no!
No, I wouldn’t have insinuated that. No, I merely meant the OTHER, you know, somewhat less grave and unnatural sexual perversion in Leviticus 18. You know, bestiality.
Well OK, yes, the even worse one you just mentioned, SODOMY WITH A PIG-EATER, is also out of bounds too. But surely that just GOES WITHOUT SAYING?!
***
Ohhh! Now, my blessed spiritual infants, isn’t your blessed Lord Jehovah GREAT! Giving you all these gifts, but also being generous enough to shield you with a permanently fixed, unquestionable instruction manual too!
Oo, oo, oo, my beloved ones, how ignorant and malicious are those who insult God. They trade legalism and power over others for true spiritual freedom and liberty.
Ahhh, how terrible and awesome a matter it is, to speak out of turn, on matters of such great and weighty importance.
Erm… sorry about the length. These guys tend to yammer on a bit.
Sad to say, I can’t evaluate the foregoing. Some mysterious, exaltedly divine force (not to say demonic!), is preventing me from writing any more.
I actually will bring you some responses to Jehovah’s latest not-so-infallible flip-flop in the near future…
But it may be in a slightly different format.
I’ll keep you informed and aware of what’s what.
…
And that’s more than can be said for some! 😛