Tribute
This one’s for Charlie Hebdo. Nous sommes tous Charlie.
OK, we all know about the obviously malicious and unproven allegations of gratuitously gratifyingly enlightened fatwas on “I’m-a-sexin’ that damn fine chicken” that have been directed at Imam Love Doctor Friday Night Wonder AYATOLLAH Khomeini.
That said, a lot of people in the decadent and Hell-bound West have somehow tended to consider Ayatollah Khomeini a bit of a prude.
That’s right: a motley crew of people of the book and even downright standard-issue kafrs… those jerks again… well, what’s going on?
That’s right, they are constantly accusing Iran’s former spiritual leader and religion’s most buff black cloak porting fashionista (as opposed to black cloak porting fascist; but if the raincoat cap fits)…
Yes, the God of all flashy-assed handsomeness is maliciously and falsely accused of having a tendency to impose so-called “sexual repression” on the citizens of Iran…
Especially on notorious sinners like gay people and women and worst of all, gay women…
Which latter aren’t technically gay “persons,” as they are only females… surprisingly enough.
Admittedly, it is said that in Iran, being transgender is just A-OK; for, on account of a certain enlightened love-fatwa from Ayatollah A-2-the-K, clerics can pretty much jibe with people who have had sex changes…
Make of that what you will.
God Hates Tops
But the recent surfacing of a previously unknown fatwa from the late Ayatollah Khomeini will now dispel forever such ungrounded and wicked slanders.
The progressive policy suggestion, one of which any humane and progressive establishment Democratic Senator, or at least relatively enlightened Republican would be proud, appears in the missing 69th (oh, just quit it, Kafr!… not funny!) volume of “Banging in Tehran,” “Foucault and Horny K’s Good Sex Guide” “The Gayranian Knights” “The Mystical Science of Bathhouse Fucking” Tahrir al-Vasyleh…
The latter, of course, is a book around which much vigorous debate (vigorous up to the point of beheading) has centred…
I mean, no-one can really agree: how many volumes of this pretty damn sexual legislative classic are there?
Anyways, as a good, honest satirical journalist, I’m going to assume that the text is real, because it’s more fun this way.
But what’s pretty damn holy, and what’s just talking pony?
Well, the God of all K-liberalishness states that it is actually just A-OK for your wife to get on top, once in a while…
Well, as long as she makes you a nice meal afterwards…
Or at least, cooks up something tasty.
Hmm… perhaps this leader is even more favourable towards freedom of sexual expression than we all thought? Well, hard to say. (MOTWYW)…
So, I would need to bring a much more informed perspective to these enlightening revelations on MC A-2-the-K’s generous attitude towards sexual liberation.
I mean, “informed” in the sense of uncontaminated by the malicious lies of sinister, forgery-ridden people of the book, and of just plain downright dirty kafrs.
The Truth is Undeniable
Well, inexplicably, some Iranian clerics have denied the authenticity of this text: one pious man of god of a somewhat fundamentalist persuasion told me:
“WTF? Bitches on top! Why the hell would you let your wife do that to you? Who could even think of it? That’s downright abusive! It makes me sick to the stomach just to think about it…
“No, no, no, every man has his pride! No man would stand for that!”
On the other hand, others are more pleased. One somewhat left of centre cleric, who clearly wins today’s prize for “pretty damn worthy-ish of a full on-godly-block-quote,” told me:
I am no raging radical, I just want to tinker around the edges a bit. But, you know, my dear Elvis and little Elvis…
Sorry, music is haram and so are narcotics that confuse the words… I meant, my dear Boomy K and little Boomy K…
Shit, I meant, my dearly beloved Imam Khomeini… he was always more generous, receptive and open-hearted than
Fox Newsthe corrupt and devious Zionist media painted him (shit, that one is getting real old)…Yes, this is a great day for gender equality in Iran (sexy little bit of rhetoric there, huh?)…
And a great day (sorry, some great jimcrack-jumpy-nighties), for the preservation and protection of our women’s chastities, the greatest national and spiritual treasure we possess…
Yes, we must guard the virtue of our women closely, every moment of our lives…we must shed every drop of blood necessary/unnecessary to safeguard this most glorious and inestimable treasure of every pious father and husband.
Our entire female community must be beyond reproach…
Or at least the ones who are not shitty kafrs that you can fuck and then cleanly discard and stone for the error of their slutty ways.
This glorious fatwa certainly will certainly prevent our wives from straying and being ungrateful to us righteous and beady-eyed men of God.
We who are graciously appointed their ever-watchful and concerned benefactors and protectors… we thus preserve them from suffering the atrocious and unspeakable fate of getting down and dirty with the licentious kafrs and people of the book, Galloway forbid…
Yes, our good and valuable precious women, that is, our wives and daughters, must be compassionately delivered from harmful entanglement with the unfaithful and lascivious infidels… we will graciously save and deliver these pretty treasures from they who do so sorely afflict our nation and community. You got a precious jewel, baby? Box that shit up, chicken! Box it the FUCK UP!
Yes, we will watch over and protect our women, like God preserves the world 24/7 from all harm and disobedience. This fatwa will certainly be of assistance, towards this sacred and gender-egalitarian end.
For, is it not evident that every watchful father and husband stands in the stead of God?
Indeed: the only true gender equality is compassionate and watchful preservation of one’s females from unnecessary temptations and dangers, and absolute, unconditional obedience to those who clearly know what is best for them, and who are always ready able to conquer the natural ignorance and debility of the female community…
So just keep these disconcertingly sexy kafr bastards away from our women, alright!!!
100 million% Necessary Disclaimer
Well… some good shit there, huh?
Actually no… just shit. Just blazing bloody pigshit on a flaming-f***ing-crapstick. And if you think “YOUR WOMEN” (sic) are somehow not f***ing with non-Muslim men…
Well, you are even stupider, if that’s possible, than people who think it is literally possible (as opposed to kinda plausible-ish in a merely rhetorical and radically marginally less superstitious manner) to pimp an astral ride to Mecca on a winged piggybum called Pegasus Buraq Baggins Puff-The-Magic-Dragon whatever-the-fuck-down-on-me-rational-luck.
Still, as I have to jump through all these pointless hoops about “media balance,” I will have to provide you with another instalment; next time, one that, sadly and misleadingly, features some mendacious and tricksy wankers of the book.
… Sorry, I should have said “People of the Book;” but the latter term has always sounded incredibly condescending and patronising to me (sorry, George). I’d far rather be called a “standard-issue shitty hell-bound kafr…”
Well, it’s a bit less insincere and condescending, isn’t it?
