Spectacular Creationist Breakthrough: World Much Older Than We All Thought

Entirely Non-Superfluous Disclaimer

Sorry to be reworking a previous piece from TheSpoof.com here. I mean, it’s not that I’m running out of ideas…

But I’ve already got so much tedious crapola in my hatebox from the “Labour Leak” article, that I’m playing it safe…

With a completely respectful, mainstream, non-edgy piece that is LITERALLY 100% INCAPABLE of offending anybody.

Having said that, I make this perfectly reasonable assumption every single time…

And every single time, I’m unpleasantly surprised. Or pleasantly. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

#PinkoRelativism

I mean, when half of your hate(mail)ers are fanatical disciples of Richard Dawkins, and half of them are pious devotees of Mehdi Hasan, you just KNOW you’ve got problems!!!

#Atheist/TheistDoubleBind

Whoops! Sorry, shouldn’t have said that…

The editor said he would hire a hit man if I made any more egregious hashtag abuses…

#Censorship

That said, here we go:

The booming pseudoscience industry in the USA has recently got a huge boost, as one Young Earth “Creation Science” Institute has made an earthshaking and absolutely unprecedented breakthrough that will irrevocably and fundamentally alter all science and our entire cosmic outlook.

Yes: apparently, contrary to previous Über-Legitimate-But-Perhaps-Marginally-Less-Empirically-Rigorous-Investigations [#CharitableReading] at the That Settles It Creation Science Institute…

Wait for it…

(Come on, it LITERALLY took 6,000 long and tedious years for this day to arrive, can’t you wait a little while longer?)

Well, the Earth may be actually be much older than we all us Solid-God-Fearing-Fundamentalist-Enough-But-Not-All-That-Dogmatic-(Within-Reason)-Folks once thought.

#PrettyModerateHuh

Lex Luther Galton Jeremiah Philippoussis is:

Amateur-Volunteer-Zero-Hours-Contract-Zero-Intelligence-Necessary-Professor of:

New Testament Particle Physics, Psalmist Microbiology, Mosaic Geology, Non-Mainstream Palaeozoology, Edgy Cryptometaphysics, Hipster Anatomy, and Quantum theology…

#SelfCongratulatoryFauxInterdisciplinaryWoo

At the aforementioned [#MoreLikeNoIntroductionNecessary] Highly-Respected-And-Totally-Not-Limited-To-Cyber-Circle-Jerks-For-Sub-Hovindesque-Charlatans-And-Wackjobs kind of institution.

#ALittleHarshMaybe

Oh dear… kinda insufficient gushing there.

#VenerationFail

Yes, I inexcusably and maliciously forgot to mention his utterly unquestionable [#MOTWYW] credentials in:

Totally-NON-Fascist-Deep-Ecology, as well as Postmodern-(AND-OBVIOUSLY-ENTIRELY-ANTI-POSTMODERN)-Critique-Of-Science…

Not to be confused with the profoundly erudite masterpieces of Michel Foucault, Sandra Harding, Val Plumwood.

… Nor indeed, their somewhat more prominent and respected colleagues and co-ideologues, Richard Dawkins and some random guy called Noam).

#Devil'sAdvocate

Oh, and also a minor in Apocryphal Electronics, but that bit is not so important.

Still, by no means unimportantly (or at least, by no means non-SELF-importantly), His Most Exalted Ideological Consistenciness proclaims:

Yes, the world may well be older than we thought; and not just by a few thousand years.

So… at first we thought it was an anomaly, but we’re increasingly convinced, as time goes on, that it’s not.

So, I mean, it’s here that we really run against the hard edge of the problematic of methodological naturalism.

#SoBrave

Yes, the evidence seems so clear.

But how to interpret it?

Well, if we had to hazard a somewhat educated guess at this stage, the origin of Our Common Humanity and of IntCom… sorry all human life…

On such an old planet, may be explicable by some kind of mutation or transition from one species to another…

With, or possibly (well, at a push!) WITHOUT some kind of divine guidance.

YouDon’tSay

Well, I guess [#RevealingLexicalChoiceHuh] that’s what we may be looking at.

Mildly surprised what I arrogantly and presumptuously assumed to be a blatant U-turn by the Institute, I made the highly presumptuous and otherwise absolutely inexcusable error of asking:

I see. So… I guess you mean some kind of evolutionary mechanism?

I didn’t realise how I had killed the our enlightening and intellectually stimulating scientific conversation [#EgregiousSycophancy] until Lex snapped:

WHAT?! Are you ACTUALLY SERIOUS?! Well… absolutely not, buddy! No… no, no, no, no, no, NO!!!…

I mean… that’s AGAINST LITERALLY EVERYTHING God’s word tells us!

#ConvenientlyEnough

Attempting to salvage the situation, I asked:

So what are the implications, if any; I mean ethically or religiously speaking, for example?

But Lex was not much mollified by my perhaps SLIGHTLY less disrespectful question and mumbled:

Ummm… well, we’re not sure… well, um, we’re working on it and hope to have something concrete…

Something concrete-ish, yeah… to show people soon.

#WellThankGodForThat

Oh… by the way… just… just, just go away, you impious bastard.

#OuchThatGrinds

You’re confusing me, and I’m DAMN SURE I’m not having some ignoble, unscientific, Euroweenie DARWINIANIST ideologue upsetting my train of godly meditation on the spiritual wonders of nature and creation…

And of the Free Market Of Ideas… but not ONLY that!

#SoSincerelyAndTerriblySorryPleaseForgiveMeMeinenLehrer

Well, as some folks out there say, (I’m a pretty inclusive guy, huh?): Mockers gonna mock, scoffers gonna scoff.

#SoOpenMinded

#PostRacialReligiousExtremism

Well! Say! It’s so DAMN hard defending the truth, when so many of you idle, ungodly, and superstitious folks out there keep questioning it with your pathetic semantic caveats and pettifogging logic-chopping.

#OhTheIrony

Still, I’m sure they will work something out soon. They generally do have way of squaring “the facts” (of King James 1611, no less) with “reality.”

#WorksInReverseToo

However, the bad news is that despite this startling scientific advancement, an undisciplined and mendacious horde of extremist intellectual terrorists and socialist vandals at our public schools are still filling our kid’s heads with ideological garbage…

That’s right: so-called vaccination “science,” “heliocentrism,” and being “nice” to gay people and other notorious sinners.

#BeyondParody

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So, I guess the struggle for single-handedly (and Oh-So-Commendably) defending the honor of The Absolute Truth never ends.

#It'sNotEasyBeingOnTheTop

#NoReallyForRealBuddyISwearIt'sSoSoF***in'Hard

Not-So-Non-Apologist’s Not-So-Apology (Or Should That Be Just-So?)