God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.
“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”
As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group.
“We prefer not to reveal who is in our control group, as to not contaminate our ongoing study, but at this point we felt we had to say something,” said lesser angel Ezekial Macias, who had thus far only sprouted a single mis-shapen wing.
“A solid 10% of our control group still calls themselves Christians, even though they’re incapable of receiving God’s grace… It’s just too bad they can’t go to heaven, for God’s sake.”
“The control group always ends up here, for Christ sake,” said Satan. “We have ample accommodations, all their friends and family are here, the best musicians and entertainers of all time, plus it’s nice and hot,” adding, “Don’t worry, it’s a dry heat.”
When asked about those not in the control group, he responded, “Yeah, they pretty much all end up here. It’s great business for us. The rules to get into heaven are literally impossible, so there’s like, what, six [or] seven people there? Besides, heaven is a total sausage fest and the few women they get are celibate.”
Dawkins was unavailable for comment, as his schedule was quite full. God agreed to an interview, but his connection was too unreliable to conduct it, as is often the problem with prophetic encounters.