God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”

God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group.

“We prefer not to reveal who is in our control group, as to not contaminate our ongoing study, but at this point we felt we had to say something,” said lesser angel Ezekial Macias, who had thus far only sprouted a single mis-shapen wing.

“A solid 10% of our control group still calls themselves Christians, even though they’re incapable of receiving God’s grace… It’s just too bad they can’t go to heaven, for God’s sake.”

“The control group always ends up here, for Christ sake,” said Satan. “We have ample accommodations, all their friends and family are here, the best musicians and entertainers of all time, plus it’s nice and hot,” adding, “Don’t worry, it’s a dry heat.”

When asked about those not in the control group, he responded, “Yeah, they pretty much all end up here. It’s great business for us. The rules to get into heaven are literally impossible, so there’s like, what, six [or] seven people there? Besides, heaven is a total sausage fest and the few women they get are celibate.”

Dawkins was unavailable for comment, as his schedule was quite full. God agreed to an interview, but his connection was too unreliable to conduct it, as is often the problem with prophetic encounters.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

5 thoughts on “God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”

  1. That was probably the least intelligent thing I've read in 34 years of life. Stop trying to follow your leader you're definitely not on his level intellectually. Dawkins would be ashamed.

    1. My "leader"? Who is my leader? Is it Dawkins? Non-theists don't generally ascribe to hierarchical systems the way theists do. There's no atheist Pope, you know. We're just a variety of people around the world who have each independently come to the conclusion that there is sufficient flaw in what you believe as to make it evidently false.

      Least intelligent thing you've read in 34 years of life? Well now you're not just wrong, you're being dishonest. If you want to hurt my feelings you have to keep it believable.

    2. My "leader"? Who is my leader? Is it Dawkins? Non-theists don't generally ascribe to hierarchical systems the way theists do. There's no atheist Pope, you know. We're just a variety of people around the world who have each independently come to the conclusion that there is sufficient flaw in what you believe as to make it evidently false.

      Least intelligent thing you've read in 34 years of life? Well now you're not just wrong, you're being dishonest. If you want to hurt my feelings you have to keep it believable.

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