Categorized | Religionism

God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”

God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”

God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group.

“We prefer not to reveal who is in our control group, as to not contaminate our ongoing study, but at this point we felt we had to say something,” said lesser angel Ezekial Macias, who had thus far only sprouted a single mis-shapen wing.

“A solid 10% of our control group still calls themselves Christians, even though they’re incapable of receiving God’s grace… It’s just too bad they can’t go to heaven, for God’s sake.”

“The control group always ends up here, for Christ sake,” said Satan. “We have ample accommodations, all their friends and family are here, the best musicians and entertainers of all time, plus it’s nice and hot,” adding, “Don’t worry, it’s a dry heat.”

When asked about those not in the control group, he responded, “Yeah, they pretty much all end up here. It’s great business for us. The rules to get into heaven are literally impossible, so there’s like, what, six [or] seven people there? Besides, heaven is a total sausage fest and the few women they get are celibate.”

Dawkins was unavailable for comment, as his schedule was quite full. God agreed to an interview, but his connection was too unreliable to conduct it, as is often the problem with prophetic encounters.

Share

This post was written by

- who has written 388 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

.

5 Responses to “God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group””

  1. That was probably the least intelligent thing I've read in 34 years of life. Stop trying to follow your leader you're definitely not on his level intellectually. Dawkins would be ashamed.

  2. Troy Cook II says:

    The athiests attack again

  3. Brian White says:

    My "leader"? Who is my leader? Is it Dawkins? Non-theists don't generally ascribe to hierarchical systems the way theists do. There's no atheist Pope, you know. We're just a variety of people around the world who have each independently come to the conclusion that there is sufficient flaw in what you believe as to make it evidently false.

    Least intelligent thing you've read in 34 years of life? Well now you're not just wrong, you're being dishonest. If you want to hurt my feelings you have to keep it believable.

  4. Brian White says:

    My "leader"? Who is my leader? Is it Dawkins? Non-theists don't generally ascribe to hierarchical systems the way theists do. There's no atheist Pope, you know. We're just a variety of people around the world who have each independently come to the conclusion that there is sufficient flaw in what you believe as to make it evidently false.

    Least intelligent thing you've read in 34 years of life? Well now you're not just wrong, you're being dishonest. If you want to hurt my feelings you have to keep it believable.

  5. Brian White says:

    Troy Cook II Do you honestly feel there is a trend of atheist attacks? Can you support that with some examples?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks


Leave a Reply


We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Fake Commercials!


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

10 posts
4 posts
2 posts
2 posts
1 post
1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial