The Boston Marathon Bombers First Day In Jihadist Heaven

Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber killed by Boston police, was freshly arrived in the Heaven promised for Jihadist fighters. A guide was there to help him get established.

“Hello, Mr. Tsarnaev. I am here to help you find your place in this ‘heaven’ you earned.”

Tamerlan was still a little woozy from leaving his body so quickly after being shot and then run over by his own brother in the shoot out with the cops. “Oh….oh…. wait a minute….I am in heaven?”

RIGHT: Inspired by actual events. Click image to see full-size.

“Basically, sure. It’s the ‘heaven’ promised to all Jihadist fighters who die fighting the enemies of Islam. If you follow me I will lead you to your reward. 72 virgins await you.”

“72 virgins? Boom goes the dynamite! That is worth getting my guts blasted out for. Where are they?”

“Right this way.” The guide motions him to follow.

They go up to a door on a large, one story building and the guide holds it open for Tamerlan to enter. “Here they are my friend. 72 virgins, each in her own bed awaiting you.”

“Wow!” says Tamerlan. “What could be better than this?”

The guide mumbles something under his breath and Tamerlan demands he speak up. Reluctantly he says, “price and participation may vary. It’s just the fine print, nothing to worry about.” The guide starts to speak as they enter.

“What a minute…” starts Tamerlan puzzledly as he takes a couple step in. “What is wrong with them?”

“They’re in bed because they’re all women killed and maimed by Jihadist bombers throughout the world. Many are without limbs, some without faces or features. All in the horrific state and agony in which they left the world, but they are all virgins! They genuinely do await you, but as I said, participation may vary.” With that he pushes Tamerlan . “Here he is ladies, he’s all yours!” He then exits and locks the door.

“And by the way, Tamerlan, this is also their heaven of revenge as well as your heaven of 72 virgins.”

The horrendous sound of 72 female voices screaming in blood thirsty anger is followed shortly thereafter by Tamerlan’s horrible shrieks, which will surely subside shortly after the end of eternity.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at

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